My favourite place to people watch is now the gym. Which makes me look creepy because I go to the gym the size of a large cupboard so it’s hard to casually creep people.

I went in today and there was a large lady sitting on one of the machines, not moving but texting on her phone. I was like, woah, when did that get added to the circuit? Does that burn calories? I would totally be skinny if that burned calories… 

My favourite people to watch at the gym are the retired teachers. I don’t know what it is about teachers, but they are a different breed of people. I should know. They come into the gym and greet everyone enthusiastically, because as a teacher, they know everyone in town. In the circuit part of the gym you do a machine and then jump on a board and do whatever cardio you want. When the retired teachers jump on the cardio board they think they are stepping onto the raised platform on Saturday Night Fever. The hips come out, the finger points up, some clapping happens and they groove. (I know if my Mother, a retired teacher, came to the gym she would be doing the exact same thing.) They do not crack a sweat ever but I imagine it’s because they are wearing make-up and trying to always look fabulous…

Today I had to hold myself together because a lady jumped onto the cardio board and I-swear-to-god started doing the Lollipop Kids moves from the Wizard of Oz. It was the best cardio move I have ever seen. I wished the teachers could have seen it and incorporated that move into their regime.

I have decided the best time to go to the gym is during the day when all the old ladies are there. It makes one feel like a fucking professional athlete exercising next to 70 year olds.

I was playing with my niece Chloe yesterday. Well…playing is a bit of a stretch. I was drinking a daiquiri while I threw stuffed animals at a box she was wearing on her head. She loved it. I looked at Hennie and I told him he was watching the future. If we ever had kids I would sit around drinking while throwing stuff at them, pretending to play. Maybe kids is a bad idea. He agreed thoroughly.  

Also, after feeling my friend’s very pregnant belly and freaking out in weirded-out-ness I realized how far away I am from even thinking of it. It’s supposed to be magical, a new life, a miracle and there I am feeling a kick, screaming and sticking my tongue out and shaking the cooties off my hand like a I just touched a snake. Apparently I haven’t quite hit adulthood. Maybe that’s what 30 will be about. But tomorrow, it’s 29 baby!!! I’m still, apparently, at the age where only my direct peers think it’s old, the rest of the world thinks I’m surprisingly young. I’ll take it! People have been thinking I was 30 years old since I was 18 so I am finally catching up with my oldness. I am growing into my old lady-ness. It feels right. I wear cougar print, I hold my handbag like a granny and I say things like, young people these days…

My Mom texted me the other day asking if I had any bug repellent safe for Chloe to use. I wrote back that I had some safe incest repellent in my room…creepy type-o!

I went to Costco with my Mom today to buy 800 pound bags of chips and a gallon of hummus for my birthday do. Nothing quiet makes me want to hurt people or blow things up more than a trip to Costco. From the herding in of the consumer cattle to the mind numbing cart pushing of people in a capitalist daze…I lose my fucking mind. People just stop in the middle of the aisle not realizing there are a million people behind them. There is no traffic order just cart chaos. It’s shopping anarchy. My Mom fits in, she walks wherever she wants without realizing she is cutting people off or in people’s way (although when she did it in the parking lot I was concerned for her life). It’s like ya I want deals and mass amounts of food to feed my probably drunken friends but do I need the biggest wheel of brie with a side of angry fists, losing my mind and heart palpitations to go with it? I told my Mom I was glad I didn’t have a second cup of coffee or I would have been raging. And then a lady handed me a fresh brewed espresso and I knew we had to leave immediately before I cart stomped someone. And no one actually saves money when the grocery bill is $200 right? Like what the fuck did I buy? 

I saw an Asian couple today taking pictures of a gas pump at an Esso…that is all…that is funny on it’s own.

House sitting is a pretty funny business to be in. We have been in many different types of places. But I swear to god, some of these houses should come with manuals, especially for the kitchen. I feel like there should be some sort of Feng shui for kitchens, a universal outline so one can walk into any kitchen anywhere and know where to find anything. So ya, I just spent 20 minutes looking for a cheese grater and went through every drawer trying to find a pan only to find it hanging from the ceiling…There must be some sort of psychological conclusions one can make about people because of the layout of their kitchen. I will write a manual one day about what poorly organized kitchen mean to your brain titled “If your colander is not located in this cupboard, you are fucked up.”

I went to get some dvds from my favourite video store in Almonte (ok the only video store in Almonte). They love me there, as I am pretty sure I pay their rent on my late fees alone. But this time when I went in the lady working behind the desk was on the phone and she didn’t seemed phased there were about three customers in the shop the size of shoe box, listening to her conversation. I started looking for a movie and of course, eavesdropping at the same time. She was talking to a guy who had just got out of jail (I think, or maybe rehab). She said if he came around here there would be lot’s of heat on him (cops?). He hadn’t come to visit her family because they were enablers (drugs? drinking?). The girl didn’t do something anymore, except just before bed (smoking pot?). I picked a movie but was so interested in the conversation I decided to look for another one. It was so hilarious! Small town soap opera exposed! I wished she had popped some popcorn so I could have just sat there listening to her, creepily staring at her and getting all caught up on her life’s gossip. I ended up with the movies Mental and Seven Psychopaths…just sayin’

Isn’t everyone done with hockey yet? It’s summer! Hockey should be over. I have no patience for it anyways when it’s two big American teams fighting for the cup. Especially when one has a ridiculously racist emblem that makes me cringe every time I see it. How does this happen? Who just thought, hey let’s take the most stereotypical picture of an Aboriginal we can think of, add some feathers and call the team the Blackhawks. It would be like taking a picture of Jackie Chan doing kung fu while holding chopsticks and calling the team the Yellow Samurais. Not ok right?! Right… 

And when Hennie is watching hockey and I get really bored I just repeat what the announcers say in a smutty voice… how can you not when they say things like “he just slipped that through the crease” or “he had a good grip on the shaft of his stick”? Ok I am not sure I have heard the last one…but you get my point.

I saw a guy drive by in a old Cavalier car with the words Cavalier painted right onto the car! Like he was advertising he owned the cheapest car known to mankind! I wish I had thought of that. Our last car we named Golden Leprosy because of the rust problem, we should have written it right on there so people knew how special it really was. We should celebrate crappy cars just as much as the fancy expensive ones…they have so much more character. 

I tried a dress on Ardene’s this week (because apparently they make clothes now and not just headbands). I knew when I walked in that I wouldn’t fit into anything but I tried anyhow. The dress looked like a shirt attached to a skirt but when I put it on the shirt part only covered about half of “the girls” so it didn’t work. The pre-pubescent thirteen year old girl running the change rooms asked me if it was a size issue. It most definitely was. They did not make clothes in Ardene big enough to cover my chest. She looked confused and I walked away. When did clothes stop getting made for women with chests and possibly football player shoulders? I tried on a summer dress earlier this year with the fun crinkle material around the chest that many summer dresses have. When I looked in the mirror my chest resembled what smuggling weapons of mass destruction in a dress would look like.

I bought a Shticky. Probably because I am a total whore to marketing. But it is soooo awesome! There will never be one piece of lint or cat hair on me ever again. It’s like finding the perfect gadget to live in OCD paradise for the rest of your life. I have used it an uncomfortable amount of times since purchasing it. I recommend everyone owns one and comes to the compulsive dark side. It is also reusable and much more environmental then tape lint rollers. Ok, I swear, that’s all I will ever say about it ever again! Excuse me while I so Shticky myself…

I went to see Fast and the Furious #83. I feel silly with myself for even wanting to watch it let alone thinking it would be good. But then how do you screw up a movie about cute boys in fast cars? Omg but they did! There was not enough fast cars scenes and no cute boys!! Vin Diesal looks like a penis in a wife beater and sounds like he’s chewing on paper and choking on tinsel all at the same time. And the younger guy, whatever-his-name-is, I remember him being cute in the first movie but now, he just seemed kind of sad! Like in between movies he just sits at home, drinks beer and watches tv (not a lifestyle I’m judging just so not celebrity). It was so hokey, that during an attempted serious moment in the movie, the people in the theatre were laughing! Laughing out loud. 

I rounded out my masochistic movie tendencies and took my kid I work with to see Hangover #3 too many. I don’t know why. I didn’t make it through the first Hangover and I certainly didn’t see the second one, so I have no idea why I went to the third one….needless to say, it was pretty terrible…

I haven’t seen my Mom and Dad for days…and we are living with them right now. They started watching Mad Men and no longer leave their room. I come home from work late at night sometimes and they are still awake…watching Mad Men. My parents are as obsessive about tv shows as I am. When I introduced them to Damages on Netflix they actually watched enough to get a call from their internet provider saying they were close to maxing their bandwidth. That is serious dedication people!

I did a little bit of clothes shopping this week…in my friend Rachelle’s laundry room in her apartment building. It’s the coolest thing! People just leave shit they don’t want in a pile and then when I come visit we tour down and I always find something amazing! Last time I got a purple scarf and mitts and this time I got two H&M sweaters! Sure they are men’s but that’s really the only way I am ever going to fit into H&M clothing so it’s awesome.

I got stabbed in a night club last night!!! Stabbed in the foot!! With a stiletto!! We were dancing in Caliente, a latin night club in Ottawa, when out of nowhere some out of control salsa dancer stabbed me! Well she stepped on my foot, but with heels and it fucking hurt! It was all a blur at the time and I couldn’t comprehend exactly why my foot was in so much pain. But it all came back to me this morning when I looked down at my foot to see a dent in my foot, skin missing, bruises and my large toe nail cracked. Fucking latin night clubs! I never thought the club scene was dangerous in Ottawa, BUT IT IS!

I was thinking last night, while on the toilet at the club, that someone should create a yoga class for practical everyday stretches. Like forget warrior, mountain and downard dog pose. I propose ‘trying to paint your toenails while standing up pose’ or ‘trying to grab something in the back seat while driving pose’ or what made me think of this ‘trying to hold the stall door closed while I pee because I have picked the only one without a working lock pose’. You would connect with the pose so much more because it would be real…like ‘lifting up my foot to see if I just stepped on lego pose.’ I think I’m onto something here…

Nothing like settling in from a big trip only to go on a mini work road trip to Toronto!

Sara (my boss) and I have this down to a fine art. We both bring kale chips and coolers full of fruits, veggies and water, with the best intentions…only to stop at the first chip stand we see for fries or pass by it saying we are healthy and get fries later at A&W instead.

We got off to a late start so when we finally got to Toronto, it was a mad dash to see the three stores we had planned. At one point we were in such a rush to get to one store that I was sure we could beat Siri’s time. “Siri says 8 minutes but I am sure we can make it in 5! Siri is being overly cautious. Forget her. Pedal to the metal girl, Pedal to the metal! DRIVE FASTER!” Of course we made it to the store, only to find out the buyer we were trying to catch was there for another few hours and we didn’t need to rush at all.

We had free styled booking a hotel (and by free styled I mean we hadn’t booked one at all). Sara was sure it wouldn’t be an issue, as it was Tuesday night…well Toronto must be a very happening place because the first 2 hotels we tried were full?! Finally the guy at reception of the last place called another hotel, just down the street, to see if they had room. They had one left so we needed to be quick. The receptionist told us the parking could be tricky but he would help us by pointing it out on a map. He rips this giant Toronto map from a pad on his desk and draws a line to where we are going. Perfect! We get into the car, turn left out of the parking lot, drive 10 feet and there was the hotel. There we are staring at a giant map, getting all technical with the directions and the hotel was RIGHT THERE! He could have walked out from behind his desk, walked to the window and pointed at it. We laughed so hard Sara almost crashed through the parking gate that did not quite raise fast enough. The rest of the trip was just as hilarious.

I have been going through such Sons of Anarchy withdrawal that I have decided to re-watch all of them under the guise that my friend Erin should see them and I would watch them with her. I think Erin was onto my addiction enabling plan when as soon as the DVD started I just kept yelling HOT….SO HOT every time Jax was on the screen. I swear it’s the best show I have ever seen…EVER! I once told Hennie I was going to get the full Sons of Anarchy reaper tattoo on my whole back, he shook his head and walked away. 

I discovered the best summer ice cream treat ever yesterday! It’s dairy free and is made with coconut milk and is covered in almonds and some magical dairy free chocolate. It’s so good. I knew while I was eating it that Gwyneth Paltrow would approve. I’ve noticed, while faced with a food decisions recently, in my head I hear “what would Gwyneth do?” Maybe I should make bracelets that say WWGD. I know everyone hates her and here is why I empathize with her. If I wrote a blog about all the stupid, ridiculous shit I eat and all my many food intolerances, y’all would hate me too. If I gabbed on and on about natural cures for everything and moronic environmental crusades I go on, you would think I’m annoying as fuck. I try to keep it myself! I know sometimes it leaks out but I try to keep a lid on it! I am a gluten intolerant, vegetarian who can only eat some dairy and random foods can give me headaches for Gods sakes! I know! I’m fucking annoying! It was after my Dad called me a food fascist once that I knew I should just keep my food ridiculousness to myself. Which is why I try not to dwell on it when out or travelling. I try to fit in and then quietly suffer later alone at home. Gwyneth didn’t get the memo that people generally find that shit annoying but I don’t care…I like her. And her kid’s name is Apple which is awesome! My kid’s names will be Banana, Kale and Chia seeds…just because. Just kidding, am not having kids, I fed my uterus to the lion, remember?

My birthday is coming up. I’m calling it my ‘Holy Shit Birthday’ as I am going to be 29 which, in theory, means I have one year to get my shit together. I’m not sure it’s enough time! One year until I am thirty! Holy shit! Not cool! When did this happen! I still refer to things I did when I was 19 as ‘a few years ago’. Do I have to refer to myself as an adult soon?? Not cool.

P.S-I am so excited that people actually read this blog btw. Thanks to my loyal and wonderful readers. When I got back from my trip there had been 750 views on my blog! Which my brother Ben quickly told me, “ya but 595 of those views were Mom…you know that right?” Thanks everyone! xo

I was so excited to come home right in time to enjoy an amazing Canadian summer! And then I got here…what the hell Canada?? I hate people that complain about the weather but wtf. This heat is disgusting. It’s sticky, humid and uncomfortable. The first hot day I couldn’t understand why my eyes were burning until I looked in the mirror and could see my makeup was melting into them. It’s so hot, I sweat like a 300 pound man in a sauna, just walking to the car. I walked up a small hill the other day and needed to sit and rest at the top for awhile, like a 90 year old asthmatic. I mean I know I am out of shape right now but really. The heat sucks.

I lost 10 lbs before leaving for our trip and promptly drank enough cream soda and beer to put every bit of it back on. I couldn’t even wear half of my clothing I brought with me by the end of the trip because I had packed on so much, specifically around my belly. I knew it was bad. But the other day, I took the kid I work with out to see Iron Man 3 and we got some popcorn. I always make a mess with popcorn because apparently I don’t know exactly where my mouth is, but it doesn’t matter because I take 800 napkins with me to obsessively use throughout the movie. I also always get home and find half my popcorn is in my bra (snack for later) but this time there was a new low. A piece of popcorn was transported from the theatre to my home in my belly fat roll. I shit you not. I lied down, felt something at the top of my pants and dislodged it from my chub. Needless to say I went to the gym the next day and kicked my ass. 

You know what else I forgot about Canadian summers? The MOSQUITOS!! They are fucking insane! They aren’t quite as bad as Scottish midgies which I refer to as satan’s army, the worst insect I have ever come in contact with, but they are still so bad! As soon as the heat dies down in the evening you literally can not plan anything outside, if you live rurally, without the devil’s soldiers raining on your parade. There was one mosquito in South Africa, that was it. Sure, it bit me like 8 times because I taste ridiculously good, but there was only one. When I lived in Scotland a few years ago you couldn’t even see 3 feet in front of you, that’s how evil their midgies are. I was bitten so much one time that I had scratched enough to make my legs look like a horror movie. I went to work with blood seeping through my hose for the rest of the day. Nothing says “It’s a great day at the Loch Achray restaurant” like a waitress who looks like she was stabbed in the legs a few times before getting to work. But I think the reason they were so satanic in Scotland is because of the damp. That constant Scottish rain. Every season is rain, maybe warm rain, maybe cold rain but rain. We once managed to have a camp fire in Scotland though. And by campfire I am referring to someone holding a lighter and the other person spraying their aerosol Axe deodorant at it. Yes, a cozy Scottish campfire. Good times. I suppose our disgusting heat is better then perma rain and satan’s army. 

I hit up the Farmer’s Market today, confirming I am back to my exciting self! Wooo fresh veggies! I then came home and aggressively cooked vegetables, made spreads and even stewed rhubarb. Only to sit back, look at all my wonderful, natural and healthy creations and eat a piece of toast with cheese on it. I am so my Father’s daughter. My Dad believes every meal of the day can be served on toast, or can just be toast. It’s kind of hilarious. Breakfast = toast, Lunch = toast with ham, Snack = toast with peanut butter and dinner quite often reverts back to breakfast. It’s a perma carb party but we have learned to accept it. 

I realized yesterday that I am the best friend to have, ever. I went out with a good friend, who is pregnant with her second child. I was like, are you stressed? Are you scared? Isn’t one bad enough? Now there will be two?? You will have two small children!! Did you choose this? Why did you do this?? 

Umm…I mean…two! Hurrah! Aren’t you excited? Ya…ya that’s what I meant. 

I have been feverishly trying to get all caught up with The Voice (shut up, it’s awesome). Hennie worked a 5 hour shift today. When he left I was watching it and when he returned I hadn’t moved. I hate when America gets to vote because they vote out the colour immediately. Have you noticed that? The top 5 are always white….Americans are racist. The best singer the show had was Asian/Black but everyone knew America would vote her out when they got the chance – dammit!

I just watched one where Adam Levine and Usher did a duet. It was okay to watch, but it just would have been way better if they both had had their shirts off, right? It would have made it SO MUCH BETTER! In fact the whole show would be better if they didn’t wear shirts. Ok, they should just be naked, the show would be epic.