I was so excited to come home right in time to enjoy an amazing Canadian summer! And then I got here…what the hell Canada?? I hate people that complain about the weather but wtf. This heat is disgusting. It’s sticky, humid and uncomfortable. The first hot day I couldn’t understand why my eyes were burning until I looked in the mirror and could see my makeup was melting into them. It’s so hot, I sweat like a 300 pound man in a sauna, just walking to the car. I walked up a small hill the other day and needed to sit and rest at the top for awhile, like a 90 year old asthmatic. I mean I know I am out of shape right now but really. The heat sucks.

I lost 10 lbs before leaving for our trip and promptly drank enough cream soda and beer to put every bit of it back on. I couldn’t even wear half of my clothing I brought with me by the end of the trip because I had packed on so much, specifically around my belly. I knew it was bad. But the other day, I took the kid I work with out to see Iron Man 3 and we got some popcorn. I always make a mess with popcorn because apparently I don’t know exactly where my mouth is, but it doesn’t matter because I take 800 napkins with me to obsessively use throughout the movie. I also always get home and find half my popcorn is in my bra (snack for later) but this time there was a new low. A piece of popcorn was transported from the theatre to my home in my belly fat roll. I shit you not. I lied down, felt something at the top of my pants and dislodged it from my chub. Needless to say I went to the gym the next day and kicked my ass. 

You know what else I forgot about Canadian summers? The MOSQUITOS!! They are fucking insane! They aren’t quite as bad as Scottish midgies which I refer to as satan’s army, the worst insect I have ever come in contact with, but they are still so bad! As soon as the heat dies down in the evening you literally can not plan anything outside, if you live rurally, without the devil’s soldiers raining on your parade. There was one mosquito in South Africa, that was it. Sure, it bit me like 8 times because I taste ridiculously good, but there was only one. When I lived in Scotland a few years ago you couldn’t even see 3 feet in front of you, that’s how evil their midgies are. I was bitten so much one time that I had scratched enough to make my legs look like a horror movie. I went to work with blood seeping through my hose for the rest of the day. Nothing says “It’s a great day at the Loch Achray restaurant” like a waitress who looks like she was stabbed in the legs a few times before getting to work. But I think the reason they were so satanic in Scotland is because of the damp. That constant Scottish rain. Every season is rain, maybe warm rain, maybe cold rain but rain. We once managed to have a camp fire in Scotland though. And by campfire I am referring to someone holding a lighter and the other person spraying their aerosol Axe deodorant at it. Yes, a cozy Scottish campfire. Good times. I suppose our disgusting heat is better then perma rain and satan’s army. 

I hit up the Farmer’s Market today, confirming I am back to my exciting self! Wooo fresh veggies! I then came home and aggressively cooked vegetables, made spreads and even stewed rhubarb. Only to sit back, look at all my wonderful, natural and healthy creations and eat a piece of toast with cheese on it. I am so my Father’s daughter. My Dad believes every meal of the day can be served on toast, or can just be toast. It’s kind of hilarious. Breakfast = toast, Lunch = toast with ham, Snack = toast with peanut butter and dinner quite often reverts back to breakfast. It’s a perma carb party but we have learned to accept it. 

I realized yesterday that I am the best friend to have, ever. I went out with a good friend, who is pregnant with her second child. I was like, are you stressed? Are you scared? Isn’t one bad enough? Now there will be two?? You will have two small children!! Did you choose this? Why did you do this?? 

Umm…I mean…two! Hurrah! Aren’t you excited? Ya…ya that’s what I meant. 

I have been feverishly trying to get all caught up with The Voice (shut up, it’s awesome). Hennie worked a 5 hour shift today. When he left I was watching it and when he returned I hadn’t moved. I hate when America gets to vote because they vote out the colour immediately. Have you noticed that? The top 5 are always white….Americans are racist. The best singer the show had was Asian/Black but everyone knew America would vote her out when they got the chance – dammit!

I just watched one where Adam Levine and Usher did a duet. It was okay to watch, but it just would have been way better if they both had had their shirts off, right? It would have made it SO MUCH BETTER! In fact the whole show would be better if they didn’t wear shirts. Ok, they should just be naked, the show would be epic.