Omg I just saw an ad basically for baby wipes for adults. I was assuming my reaction would be how un-environmental that was, probably full of chemicals and so unnecessary but instead I was like yeah, I love that idea, wet butt wipes. When can I get some of those?  How clean would my ass be? But seriously, if people really wanted to use wipes wouldn’t they already be using them? If people were that OCD about their poop shoot they would just be buying baby wipes, right? And why stop there? How about arm pit wipes, feet wipes, chin wipes or knee wipes. You could skips showers and just wipe in the morning. I can’t stop thinking about the industry they are trying to create here and how easy it might be fall into wet butt wipe camp. And then I came across this http://gawker.com/update-do-you-use-butt-wipes-and-if-so-what-the-fuc-511428757 and I was left even more confused but much more amused then when I started.  

I went to Montreal this weekend. Took my lil’ weekend suitcase and drove down with my Ma. I guess I had opened up my bag sometime during the trip to get a sweater or something because when I got to my Grandma’s I created a scene right out of a rom com. I lifted my suitcase out of the trunk and everything fell out of it. My Mother, in true Buttrum fashion, just stood there pointing and laughing. If I didn’t know I had an addiction to earplugs before, I knew now. It looked like ear plug Hiroshima. They were everywhere. I hoped the neighbours hadn’t seen my episode. I quickly collected all my little orange heroes and took them inside where they would be safe.

We went to Montreal to visit my Grandma in the hospital. As we walked into the building I ran to use the can (long car ride). In the bathroom I realized that I had an insane sunburn from being outside all day. I ran out of the bathroom and yelled at my Mom that she could have told me I looked like a cancer tomato! Not the best thing to yell in a hospital. But I had no other words, I did look like a cancer tomato. It runs in the family though, yelling stupid inappropriate shit (have you met my Dad?). Nothing beats when we went to visit the same Grandma in the hospital after her heart attack many years ago. Ben was much younger. As we walked into the shared room, with at least four other patients there and a few nurses Ben told everyone he had come to visit his Grandma who had had a heart attack and then he VIOLENTLY ACTED IT OUT. My mother nearly died. It was the funniest thing I had ever seen. Ben grabbing his heart, making loud noises dramatically, rolling his eyes back and then falling to the floor. Most awkward hospital moment ever. I have always felt challenged when in a particular situations that requires some form of sensitivity to not yell out something to upset everyone. Perhaps this is a form of tourettes. I think it is because it feels like it’s out of my hands. I worked a Kosher Jewish tournament once and got so mad at my co-worker I yelled at her and called her a nazi. Like there were a million other words but instead I went there. It’s a problem I should probably bring to my Doctor’s attention at some point. 

My Grandma and her hospital roomie were trying to find a deck of cards to play with. Her roommate Celine (yup, it’s Quebec) thought she could play solitaire. I told them they should start hospital gambling. Celine suggested strip poker…but she quickly realized it would have been the shortest game ever as they were both just wearing gowns… We told them about the time that Dad was in the hospital (yes my family spends a retarded amount of time in hospitals) and there were four to his room. Three of the men decided the fourth roommate was so annoying that they would form a protest. All three of the older gentlemen, including my Dad, staged the protest by walking down the hall, pushing their IV hangers with them and let their bare arses hang out their gowns. Not a sight I would have appreciated but a story I did enjoy hearing. They did not win their battle, but their gang earned respect on the floor.

I never put stuff on the roof of the car the sole purpose I have driven away with it still on there. We were driving Maggie and Chloe home the other day and I saw something in the side mirror and I wondered what the hell it was, then a few feet later I knew I saw something fly through the air. Maggie had left her books on the roof. When we drove back our neighbour had already picked up the book and was excited about reading it. Sorry, dibs. When we were at the hospital a family, piled into the car with a brand new baby and drove away with a glass vase full of flowers on the top. It smashed and shattered everywhere. Ben and I drove by yelling OPA! 

Ben and I were sitting in the parking lot when we noticed a car behind us with a bumper sticker that said “Hooning is not a crime.” We were like, what the fuck is hooning? After some quick on the fly google research we realized that hooning is totally a crime! It’s driving recklessly, aggressively, doing donuts, street racing etc. A car drove by us quickly and we yelled at them to stop hooning. Ben found some black electrical tape in the glove compartment because he was going to perform some serious guerilla anarchy and change the sticker to tell people hooning is a crime. We are so badass. 

So I went to the Almonte Fair this week, mainly to accompany my niece. But man does that fair suck! I admit, I went last year, purely to see the Outhouse races because it sounded like something that couldn’t be missed. I have also had the good fortune, in past years, to see tractor line dancing which is a weird and wonderful thing that reminds you that you do indeed live in a small farming town and that some people have the weirdest hobbies. How do people come up with that? But this year it was really lame. Some rides, some animals, some chip stands and it cost $10 to get in. Lame. The only highlight was seeing my niece, Chloe, in a moment of courage when she decided to go on a ride! We couldn’t believe it! She went on the airplanes. We asked where she was going and she told us “Souf Africa”. After the third go around on the ride she looked at us and mouthed “I would like to get off now.” It was so bloody cute. She lasted the ride and was a really good sport about the whole thing. God dammit she’s awesome.

I’m trying to end my affair with Magnum. It’s affecting my life negatively…mainly my hips and bank account. They are so expensive I think they financially rival a cocaine habit. At least that habit would make me skinny. No just kidding, I’m not thinking of giving up Magnum for cocaine…or am I…

Royal baby watch update! Who gives a fuck. George? Really?

Beyonce’s hair getting stuck in a fan made international headlines. That is all.

I am so tired I just tried to pay for my groceries with my cell phone. They held my groceries as I rushed home to get my wallet. When I got back I told her I got my helmet and was all ready to finish the transaction.