Well like every other family attempt at eating out in public, it ends with all of us drawing far too much attention to ourselves. Weather it’s Dad belching insanely loudly, Hennie giggling at the menu’s almond guy ding or Mom making up words or sentences and Ben trying to decipher it, we laugh so hysterically that we always cause a scene. I’m surprised we haven’t been banned from any place we have ever gone together. We swear, we laugh, we cry we are laughing so hard. Never a dull moment with the fam. Apologies to all restaurants we have ever gone to. 

Hennie and I were driving to Equator the other day for coffee when a big truck started riding our ass. There was someone in front of me, I was in a pre-coffee state and tired so my automatic reaction was to give him the finger. He returned the gesture. Ok, we were settled, he got my memo in the mail and I received the confirmation that he didn’t care. But like all good country boys in a giant ass truck he followed us. He couldn’t let it go. He followed us, drove like a dick and pulled into the equator parking lot right behind us. I was like, wow I have no anxiety and no thought process right now because I am still mentally asleep, I am going to fight this mother fucker. Why the fuck not. I’m ready! I’ve seen what throwing a punch looks like on tv. I’m going to do it! And it will feel right! Instead he waits until we get out so he can squeal his tires and peel out. Like, woaahhh you are so badass! You drove away…noisily! I know I shouldn’t be allowed out in public pre coffee when I easily show people my magic finger wand and then decide that a showdown in front of the organic, fair trade coffee cafe is a good idea. Noted. 

We saw “We are the Millers” this past weekend. It was pretty awesome. It was my kind of comedy. I never used to like Jennifer Aniston at all, in fact I despised her but ever since “Horrible Bosses” I have much more respect for her. Not to mention she is smoking hot in the movie. Although I hated her in every scene she showed major skin because I read somewhere that on the days she filmed the stripper scenes she only ate kale. Fuck off. You aren’t a rabbit. No but seriously, good times, I recommend it to anyone who likes swearing, has a dirty mind and likes penis jokes. Good stuff. Black cock down! (line from the movie). 

Well after watching a million hours of The Killing I’ve decided I would be an excellent police investigator. Not a regular police enforcer because seriously, what kind of person does that job, but real a real investigator. It will help me rid myself of my future plans of meth cooking and gang activity. I think this is all jabber coming from the fact that I just took some cough medicine. That shit hits me hard! I’m high on Benilyn right now. Last time I took cough medicine was before a job interview at a health food store. I was sick and really didn’t think it was appropriate to be sick at a health food store so I chugged half a bottle of Robitussum DM. Near the end of the interview the walls started melting behind the owners of the store that were interviewing me. I was trying to stay focused but they were melting like wax at an alarming rate. When I tried to exit the store I got tunnel vision and started bouncing off the shelves. So of course, in this condition, I started my car and drove home. I called Hennie yelling, saying it was like being on a roller coaster and Robitussum is my new favourite thing! It’s so fucking awesome! Hennie insisted I probably shouldn’t be driving but I told him it was ok, I was flying home. Weeee!! I felt like Miss Frizzle from the Magic School Bus and today we were learning about over the counter hallucinogens. Wahoo! 

So Miley Cyrus eh? Wow that performance at the VMA’s was like watching a really creepy train wreck. Is the going the way of the Lohan? Is someone planning an intervention? I wanted to look away the whole performance but couldn’t. My favourite part was when they would scan the audience and people were looking down, not watching or looking like they were shocked and appalled. Fun times. Miley, as someone who has been to Jamaica I find your skinny white girl ass twerking offensive. You have no booty or no game and therefore I think you should respect the dance move and let it be. Just kidding, do whatever you want. I will just try really hard to look away…

Well my worst fear has some true. Some lady in the US found a man staring up at her from inside a toilet in a park. I knew it was possible. I always think I will see eyes when I look into the bottom of a port-a-potty.

I wore my super spandex shorts walking this morning. I also forgot to wear underwear so apologies if I may have been camel toeing all over town. Not okay.

I may have just called all the video stores to see if they have Sons of Anarchy season 5, just so I know. Because Hennie hasn’t seen it yet and I have and I am DYING to watch it with him. I feel better just knowing it’s close 🙂 I can sleep now.

I had a massage tonight. SO GOOD!! Don’t care I can’t afford it, don’t care that my massage therapist knows I can’t afford it as I tend to have a handful of toonies in my payment that I have scraped off the bottom of my purse. I told my friend, who also goes to see her, that I think I would pay all that money just to hang out with her because she is so cool. I told her we both liked the same movies and then she said they both liked the same tv shows. I told her that just because she knew her first doesn’t mean she likes her better and that I would fight her for friendship rights. Just kidding, I didn’t say that last part, but I was thinking it…seriously…

I woke up with a cough syrup hangover this morning! Yikes! I guess I had too much of it, but I couldn’t tell because nothing fun happened like melting walls or anything. Lame cough syrup….

I just got an e-mail from Dealfind for $14 strapless push up bras. Not only is there no over the shoulder strap, there is no strap around either. Unless that thing comes with a bottle of super glue and hydraulic lifts there is no way it will contain, display or pushup Betty and Veronica. No effing way.  

Air France is having back to school specials. Which seems weird because what would people, who are going back to school, do with cheap flights to Europe? Unless of course they go to school there. UNLESS it is for people like me, whose husband is going back to school and they think I should save some money on a solo journey to France then I totally get it! Perhaps I would prefer a return to Germany to visit my beloved Berlin or what about the canals of Amsterdam that I have never seen, maybe even Austria to re-enact every last second of the Sound of Music!! This is what the OSAP money is for, right? I did tell Hennie I wouldn’t buy shoes with that money, but I do feel one pair is okay to celebrate, right?

Well I have nothing to write about because all I have been doing is working, watching “The Killing” and eating fudgesicles. I don’t think it’s healthy to watch that much crime drama in a day (or eat fudgesicles for meals). During my walk this morning, I wanted to stop and analyze a carpet that was in a garbage can because it totally could have evidence from a crime scene. A body most definitely could have fit in it. I swear part of the reason I am obsessed with the show is to see what type of winter-turtleneck- sweater the main lady will be wearing each episode. It’s a perma fashion nightmare. On the way back from my walk this morning I realized I was pretending to be the main character. I had my hair up unusually higher on my head, I had a hideous sweater on and I was chewing gum, all signature Linden moves. I have a tv problem I think. And this is precisely why I stopped watching Breaking Bad. I would probably watch it so much that cooking meth would eventually seem like a good idea. A great little money maker on the side. I did read an article saying that when something went really wrong in the show recently some viewers actually called 911. Classic! And as for Sons of Anarchy, well, I have big plans for getting a motorcycle and starting a gang, that shit is all in the works.

My purse is so heavy that if I put it on the seat next to me in the car, the seat belt sign beeps until I remove the bag. Yikes, as if Toyota registers my bag as weighing enough to be a small person! Maybe a small Japanese person dear Toyota but there is no way my bag’s weight is comparable to a North American person. No way. 

I needed some time out from watching my crime show because I was getting too involved so Hennie and I walked down to the big pussy (Giant Tiger) to wander around. I never go there but in the last couple weeks every time I had asked someone where they got their clothes they said GT Boutique and I was all like, whaaat? So we went to check it out. Ya, as I thought, pretty disappointing in the clothing department. I did buy socks though, how exciting. As we were leaving, in the parking out, some dude revved his two tone Mitsubishi, spun tires and peeled out of the parking lot. At GIANT TIGER! It was probably the most action the big pussy had ever seen! 

Argh the Magnum ice cream truck just drove by! Taunting me! Motherfuckers! I am trying to ween myself off Magnum with half calorie fudgesicles. So basically because I know they are half the calories I tend to just eat twice the amount. Perfect. Ice cream on a stick is the greatest invention known to man kind. It’s the ultimate in laziness. No need to clean dishes, no need to repetitively move a utensil from your dish to your mouth like a sucker. You can just sit there and eat without any of that. Fucking genius! My dream is to create veggie burger on a stick or tofu on a stick or perhaps even omelet on a stick, perfect for people on the go. This all sounds like money to me! I know my entrepreneurial juices are flowing, awww yeah. 

I just read a study that said kids drinking too much pop might make them aggressive! It’s like fucking duh! Who conducts these studies? Fucking idiots? Sugar and caffeine in a little person? Recipe for disaster y’all, plain and simple. Not rocket science. Let’s not waste science research money on shit like that anymore.

Well I certainly didn’t just stay up all night watching the rest of Season 2 of The Killing. That would be dumb. Well I did and it was amazing! I’m in morning withdrawal already. I have the tv shakes, I’m in the crime drama junkie limbo, where you don’t feel terrible yet but you know it’s in the mail. (I’d like to thank Trainspotting for teaching me all I need to know about drug addiction and withdrawal). I want to go face my day and get on it with but I just figured out there is a third season not on Netflix that I MUST FIND!

Hennie cooked dinner! Cooked!! Food!! The same man that once called me at work to ask how to boil pasta made a meal! Hennie attempted and conquered the Everest of vegan, gluten free lasagnas. With tofu, broccoli, sweet potato and so much more! It was massive! It was amazing! (I totally added cheese to it though, just sayin’. Take that vegans.)

I took the kid I work with mini putting. We were greeted by a Polish lady (and by greeted I mean totally ignored). She was on the phone and we were definitely ruining her conversation buzz. She got up to ring us through the cash and continued speaking in Polish. I imagine she was telling the person on the other line she wished we would go away, that we were morons for mini putting in the extreme heat, that I seemed too young to have adopted an Asian teen. While mini putting I couldn’t help but notice there were tons of plants and flowers on the course, especially the kind that attract bees. It was like probably the worst idea ever. There were bees everywhere, waiting to attack their next prey. I looked around again for the hidden just for laughs cameras. Then I wondered if the Polish lady was sitting in the club house, on the phone, smoking a cigarette and watching, waiting satanically for someone to get stung because she secretly hated children and this was her way of getting back at them. Luring them into the bee den of Satan. 

I just realized today that my walking buddy, who owns a weight loss clinic across the street from a shop I work at can see through the windows when I gorge on brownies! Dammit! 

So I think we are in the market for a new car! Like a smokin’ honey wagon that is going to rock your mother trucking socks off! We are looking at what could be considered the best car ever made…in Japan…in the 90’s. Ok we are looking at buying a ’91 Honda but gull darnet, I will make it my own! I will give it the classiest name, hit it up with some bumper sticker, maybe add some shag carpet to the ceiling with some tassles and we are ready to roll! Nobody be messin’ with my pimpin’ shaggin’ wagon. (God I hope it doesn’t die on the drive from Montreal).

I was just about to tuck into my third glass of wine when it occurred to me that in less then 5 hours it would be Hennie and myself’s anniversary and I had forgotten. I decided to walk to Shopper’s. I felt pretty cool strutting along in my South African dress, sporting a Canadian, vegan, designer satchel wearing leather probably made in China shoes. Ya I am one of THOSE people. I realized my polyester dress was not going to be forgiving in this heat. I got a bit stressed out by a weird hunch back following me until I realized it was my shadow and wow do I need to work on my posture. I was cruising along to music I hoped no one was picking up with their iPod radio transmitter. Nothing says classy like power walking at night to Whitney Houston’s best of, remixed and other equally embarrassing older music. I hoped no one could see me theatrically belting out The Greatest Love of All. I did nearly get killed by a car at one point while dramatically lip synching Moulin Rouge’s Lady Marmalade. When I got to Shopper’s all the anniversary cards were sappy and lame and did not suit Hennie. Then I found one that read “Marge was getting pretty tired of waking up at the crack of Don” and picture of a giant ass crack. PERFECTION! Happy Anniversary baby!

I get so easily distracted by the little details. I was watching a high drama tv show called the Killing (after burning through the show ‘Orange is the New Black’ in days). It’s an intense show but I am so easily sidetracked nonetheless. At one point the private investigator hands the man running for mayor a folder full of the information he wanted. But I’m like, wow, that’s a nice folder. Is he going to give it back? Is he going to remove the contents and then give back the folder? It looks expensive! Is that included in the price? I would want it back, it looks nice. And then the character closes it with an elastic and walks away and I realize, sweet, it has an elastic part and secondly, that I have missed all the important dialogue in the past five minutes because apparently I have a fetish for office supplies and a tiny little brain.  

Oh but I do have a thing for office supplies! We just found out Hennie got accepted at Algonquin College for the fall and my first reaction was, holy shit, I need to pull some money out of my butt-stat and then oh my god I get to go back to school shopping without actually having to go to school!! Eeeeee! I have been researching the best Academic day planners at Chapter’s all day, even sending pics of the best ones to Hennie, asking if I can PLEASE pick out an planner for him! So exciting! Don’t even get me started on notebooks and PENS oh my god PENS! 

So after Hennie found out he had been accepted he seemed pretty quiet, almost like he was in shock. He said he hadn’t been in school since 1994, 9 years ago! I was like dude, that’s 19 years ago. The look on his face went from confusion, to surprise to disbelief. It was hilarious!

I just realized that ad on the radio where that jingle gets stuck in my head all day is them not singing “black people” but actually singing “bath depot.” Awkward.

I was really excited to go to the wave pool with one of the kid’s I work with last night. It’s fun to go to a pool when you no longer give a shit what you look like in a bathing suit. Like when I used to convince myself that the sneaky skirt on my bathing suit was disguising my hips but I know now that it is a giant skirt hanging off my giant hips and it’s okay. I was trying to keep a lid on my OCD in the change room when I realized their was dirt and hairs on the ground and I was walking on it in bare feet. And then I went to the toilet and was still in bare feet. I literally was singing a song to myself in my head so I wouldn’t think about the diseases my feet were totally absorbing. I really attempted to keep the crazy at bay but every time I entered the change room to use the bathroom (because drinking a bottle of water right before going swimming is fucking stupid) I was reminded how disgusting public pools were. That’s not even mentioning how stressful it is to take a wet bathing suit off to use the can and then putting it back on. It turns me into the Hulk. Like an agro monster, like I never want to swim ever again. It feels like a million suction cups stuck to your body all working against you as you pull up the wet, weird material suit. I was on the verge of having an OCD anxiety attack and losing my mind trying to get my bathing suit back on when it happened. We went back into the pool and then we were quickly called back out. Like something had happened. All the lifeguards blew their whistles and looked intense and formed a plan. We rushed into the hot tub to watch the commotion in luxury comfort. I wondered the worst, of course, but everyone seemed too laid back for anything crazy serious. And then, there it was. The floating turds being scooped up by a big dude, apparently in charge of the shit skimming. Someone had shit in the pool. It was too much. I told my kid we were leaving immediately and would never, ever return to a public pool ever again. All this and when I realized I was in the age bracket to not need to hide in a stall while changing in the change room back into my clothes, it occurred to me it was the one day I was wearing the one beige pair of granny panties I own and putting them on in the public change room was the nail in the coffin. Never. Again. Wave Pool. Never. Again.

Rachelle and I decided that wearing our matching animal print slippers to the LCBO would greatly lessen our chances of being sold alcohol. We realized we probably could have got away with it when the 13 year old looking boy bought a mickey of vodka in front of us.

I don’t know how we got on the subject of threesomes but I am pretty sure it was just Rachelle saying, if I had a threesome it would be with two guys. I wanted to agree with her but, as I explained to someone before, I love Joan from Mad Men enough that I could see myself being in a Don Draper and Joan sandwich. They are very hot people. Then we tried to come up with the best threesome combinations, which ended in Opie and Jax from Sons of Anarchy. I would happily be the white stuff in the middle of an SOA oreo. I told Rachelle the only down side to that would be that you would walk away from that experience with full-body beard rash. Those biker’s have some intense facial hair. It would be a skin nightmare only calendula could save you from. 

I walked by a guy that I think was masturbating in his car today. I’m sure I killed whatever momentum he had going. I was sweating like a maniac and was wearing a sweater that resembled a grizzly bear. Unless he was into bears, then I may have helped him out.

I bought an expensive but totally worth it set of fine tip, german made markers. I have colour coded our “family calendar” (even though there is only two of us but trust me our schedules are stupid, well mine is, to be precise). Oh my god, it was a total organization orgasm!!! Everyone should colour code everything, it feels soooo gooood.

There is a new song out called Royals by Lordes. I really like it. Except every time I sing it I accidentally sing we will never be lawyers… 

I went to a little nub of a gas station yesterday. It was so busy and so badly crammed into a corner that you literally couldn’t move your car anywhere until everyone around you did. It was a 3 point turn, petrol anarchy nightmare. It was such a tight squeeze everywhere that I watched a VW bug drive over a curb. They were like yeah, fuck waiting, we are doing this. In a Bug! There were so many hysterical million point turns going on that I thought for a second we were on just for laughs and they were all recording us and laughing. It looked like that Austin Powers scene where they get caught in the tunnel and spend the next hour trying to get out with 45 point turns. I also nearly hit an elderly buddy but that is besides the point. Hey Greenbank, let’s not shove anymore gas stations into wee corners that make no sense. Unless of course you are recording it for tv, then carry on.

So I have OCD in the sense that my house isn’t clean but one certain thing will be cleaned over and over again. I also have a mild phobia of my hands being dirty and not in the sense of being full of germs or touching other things, I mean having food on them. So going to the movies always requires a little self crazy package of cleaning items I’m sure only I think of. It’s not just napkins, oh no. It’s napkins, tissues, wet wipes and a helmet. I’m sure everyone in the theatre is wondering what the fuck that smell is when I take out my health food store wet wipes that reek of oregano oil and ass. But my world is a better place when I wipe away all the shit popcorn has left on my hands. God bless the wet wipes. 

We went to see Pacific Rim tonight!! Hennie wanted to see Wolverine but I totally insisted on Pacific Rim because I have been DYING to see it. We get there, we have to pay the stupid extra 3D bullshit so we can become extreme geeks and where glasses over glasses. Within the first minute of the movie I realize I have no prior knowledge to what the movie is about. The only thing that matters is that Jax from Sons of Anarchy is in and as an added bonus so is the dude that plays Luther from a British cop show (AND Ron Perlman from SOA also makes a cameo!). Hennie has to practically shut me up when they show the first SHIRTLESS shot of Jax! And then I realize the movie is about aliens and robots?? I had NO idea! I have never seen a trailer for it and must have had helmet blinders on because I really had no idea that’s what the movie entailed. I was shocked actually when they started talking about aliens. I was like wtf?! But it turned out okay! Jax was stupid hot in it and the movie was actually pretty decent. Extreme Jax robot alien fighting! Woot! Hennie was like “was the only reason we went to see that movie was because Jax was in it?” I was like “what? No! Yes, completely.” Totally worth it. 

There is a sign outside of Shoppers Drug Mart that says something about giving a deal to ODB patients. The only knowledge of the acronym I know for ODB is Ol’ Dirty Bastard. So Shoppers, I am not totally sure that’s the best way to entice the elderly crowd into your store. Maybe not the best acronym for the raisin ranch crowd, you gettin’ me?

Air Freshener sprays in the bathroom are one way to kill a scent you like quickly. It’s like wow, I love this lemon scent. Then you walk by the bathroom and it’s like, ya someone just had a dump, smells like it, even though it’s lemon fresh. When I worked at Rainbow the bathroom always reeked of orange (organic) air spray because everyone I worked with was ALWAYS on a cleanse. Eventually I was so disgusted by the scent of orange I actually gave up eating oranges for quite a long time. All scents eventually become synonymous with shit if you utilize them in the can…

Omg he’s here! HE’S HERE! No this is not the second coming. But the busker I once decided I would marry is in Ottawa! I was 16 ish, I was in Winnipeg visiting my sister and there he was street performing…on his 12 foot pole, a tattooed Aussie juggling sharp things, making dirty jokes and being terribly charming. I knew immediately he would be mine, oh yes. Even though I was at my AWKWARD and WEIRD stage in life (maybe I still am actually) I still felt one day we would marry and travel the world juggling chainsaws and knives together…and I just read he was in Ottawa for the Buskers festival and I missed him again. Next time Alakazam, next time.

PS-I own a domain y’all! http://www.gracenic8.com is mine! Muwahahaha

Controversy! I feel like I’m relevant! Like people care so much about what I say that they react! Perhaps like a celebrity! I feel like Britney Spears with no underwear getting out of a car awkwardly! Alert! I have offended! For I have stirred up emotional reaction with my witty observations…I finally received hate mail. I have made it to the big time. I will be signing autographs in my living room, well, anytime.

I was called a socialist fascist! Wow, let me go dust off my political science degree to respond to that. I feel like I was just called Jack Layton and Hitler all in the same sentence which doesn’t work.  Are you calling me China? Obama as viewed by Republican Americans? I don’t know but I think this is a very serious political conversation I would like to have over some fair trade, organic coffee in a co-operative cafe somewhere that we could then take over as our own and reap the capital benefits from? Am I getting it yet? Probably not. Oh well. For whatever it’s worth I am not a socialist fascist…I’m assuming you maybe meant yuppy capitalist? Champagne socialist? All of which don’t apply because they mean you have money…which I don’t… 

Let me explain myself. If I am coming across as a judgmental asshole in all my blogs try reading them with Jerry Seinfeld’s voice and say “what’s that about?” after all my points. I am merely sharing my amusing observations and questions that I playfully enjoy on a daily basis. I’m trying to go for the David Sedaris thing. I don’t think by nature I’m angry or a “stuck up and pretentious piece of shit” but if I am I wish one of my many friends or  family members COULD HAVE TOLD ME! I feel like I’ve had a personality booger hanging out of one of my nostrils my whole life and no one told me! 

 I hope I am jokingly observing myself just as much as others! It sounds like I need to turn up the self deprecating a bit more and turn down the quirky observational humour. 

Or I could do whatever the hell I want because it’s my blog and no one, I repeat, no one is forced to read it. And if you are I suggest you talk to a law authority about that, that is fucked up.