Well like every other family attempt at eating out in public, it ends with all of us drawing far too much attention to ourselves. Weather it’s Dad belching insanely loudly, Hennie giggling at the menu’s almond guy ding or Mom making up words or sentences and Ben trying to decipher it, we laugh so hysterically that we always cause a scene. I’m surprised we haven’t been banned from any place we have ever gone together. We swear, we laugh, we cry we are laughing so hard. Never a dull moment with the fam. Apologies to all restaurants we have ever gone to. 

Hennie and I were driving to Equator the other day for coffee when a big truck started riding our ass. There was someone in front of me, I was in a pre-coffee state and tired so my automatic reaction was to give him the finger. He returned the gesture. Ok, we were settled, he got my memo in the mail and I received the confirmation that he didn’t care. But like all good country boys in a giant ass truck he followed us. He couldn’t let it go. He followed us, drove like a dick and pulled into the equator parking lot right behind us. I was like, wow I have no anxiety and no thought process right now because I am still mentally asleep, I am going to fight this mother fucker. Why the fuck not. I’m ready! I’ve seen what throwing a punch looks like on tv. I’m going to do it! And it will feel right! Instead he waits until we get out so he can squeal his tires and peel out. Like, woaahhh you are so badass! You drove away…noisily! I know I shouldn’t be allowed out in public pre coffee when I easily show people my magic finger wand and then decide that a showdown in front of the organic, fair trade coffee cafe is a good idea. Noted. 

We saw “We are the Millers” this past weekend. It was pretty awesome. It was my kind of comedy. I never used to like Jennifer Aniston at all, in fact I despised her but ever since “Horrible Bosses” I have much more respect for her. Not to mention she is smoking hot in the movie. Although I hated her in every scene she showed major skin because I read somewhere that on the days she filmed the stripper scenes she only ate kale. Fuck off. You aren’t a rabbit. No but seriously, good times, I recommend it to anyone who likes swearing, has a dirty mind and likes penis jokes. Good stuff. Black cock down! (line from the movie). 

Well after watching a million hours of The Killing I’ve decided I would be an excellent police investigator. Not a regular police enforcer because seriously, what kind of person does that job, but real a real investigator. It will help me rid myself of my future plans of meth cooking and gang activity. I think this is all jabber coming from the fact that I just took some cough medicine. That shit hits me hard! I’m high on Benilyn right now. Last time I took cough medicine was before a job interview at a health food store. I was sick and really didn’t think it was appropriate to be sick at a health food store so I chugged half a bottle of Robitussum DM. Near the end of the interview the walls started melting behind the owners of the store that were interviewing me. I was trying to stay focused but they were melting like wax at an alarming rate. When I tried to exit the store I got tunnel vision and started bouncing off the shelves. So of course, in this condition, I started my car and drove home. I called Hennie yelling, saying it was like being on a roller coaster and Robitussum is my new favourite thing! It’s so fucking awesome! Hennie insisted I probably shouldn’t be driving but I told him it was ok, I was flying home. Weeee!! I felt like Miss Frizzle from the Magic School Bus and today we were learning about over the counter hallucinogens. Wahoo! 

So Miley Cyrus eh? Wow that performance at the VMA’s was like watching a really creepy train wreck. Is the going the way of the Lohan? Is someone planning an intervention? I wanted to look away the whole performance but couldn’t. My favourite part was when they would scan the audience and people were looking down, not watching or looking like they were shocked and appalled. Fun times. Miley, as someone who has been to Jamaica I find your skinny white girl ass twerking offensive. You have no booty or no game and therefore I think you should respect the dance move and let it be. Just kidding, do whatever you want. I will just try really hard to look away…

Well my worst fear has some true. Some lady in the US found a man staring up at her from inside a toilet in a park. I knew it was possible. I always think I will see eyes when I look into the bottom of a port-a-potty.

I wore my super spandex shorts walking this morning. I also forgot to wear underwear so apologies if I may have been camel toeing all over town. Not okay.

I may have just called all the video stores to see if they have Sons of Anarchy season 5, just so I know. Because Hennie hasn’t seen it yet and I have and I am DYING to watch it with him. I feel better just knowing it’s close 🙂 I can sleep now.

I had a massage tonight. SO GOOD!! Don’t care I can’t afford it, don’t care that my massage therapist knows I can’t afford it as I tend to have a handful of toonies in my payment that I have scraped off the bottom of my purse. I told my friend, who also goes to see her, that I think I would pay all that money just to hang out with her because she is so cool. I told her we both liked the same movies and then she said they both liked the same tv shows. I told her that just because she knew her first doesn’t mean she likes her better and that I would fight her for friendship rights. Just kidding, I didn’t say that last part, but I was thinking it…seriously…

I woke up with a cough syrup hangover this morning! Yikes! I guess I had too much of it, but I couldn’t tell because nothing fun happened like melting walls or anything. Lame cough syrup….

I just got an e-mail from Dealfind for $14 strapless push up bras. Not only is there no over the shoulder strap, there is no strap around either. Unless that thing comes with a bottle of super glue and hydraulic lifts there is no way it will contain, display or pushup Betty and Veronica. No effing way.  

Air France is having back to school specials. Which seems weird because what would people, who are going back to school, do with cheap flights to Europe? Unless of course they go to school there. UNLESS it is for people like me, whose husband is going back to school and they think I should save some money on a solo journey to France then I totally get it! Perhaps I would prefer a return to Germany to visit my beloved Berlin or what about the canals of Amsterdam that I have never seen, maybe even Austria to re-enact every last second of the Sound of Music!! This is what the OSAP money is for, right? I did tell Hennie I wouldn’t buy shoes with that money, but I do feel one pair is okay to celebrate, right?