The kid I work with asked if we could go hiking in Gatineau Park. I didn’t think much of it, it was like nature walk, totally. When I picked her up I started to worry. She is wearing layers, a hat and proper hiking shoes. Where I, on the other hand, have showed up in cute and casual shoes, regular clothes and a leopard print cardigan. When we got to the trail I confirmed that I had misunderstood exactly what she meant by hiking. She actually meant REAL HIKING. It was a 45 minute, sweat drenching, humid, disgusting march of a helmet wearing a cute sweater. Will know for next time to pretend what she says is real and go with it. The trip did have an upside as we went to the mall after and she found leopard print leggings for me that she demanded I buy because they were so cool. My kid was also wearing leopard print pants so we are secret soul sisters. I bought them, we match! And now I own leopard leggings. And you know what? It feels right, it feels really right.

My kid and I like to tour around T&T while she tells me all about the stuff there. That place is crazy amazing and I have really grown to love it. Plus I can find amazing sprouted, organic tofu that I have never seen anywhere else! Buying fresh bean sprouts, a million different shreds, flavours and textures of tofu and my kid always getting a treat of something I have never heard of nor could pronounce. We were standing at the cash and I was just saying how much I love coming here when the person right behind us threw a giant bag of fresh chicken feet onto the conveyor belt. Fucking chicken feet!! I stopped mid sentence and looked stunned. I was pretending to be cool but I could feel my eww face happening and I couldn’t stop it. My kid looked at me to see if I was okay and I just nodded and then felt myself go green. T&T, I still love you, there are just some things I will never understand about you. Including the expiry dates on my stringed tofu. I, unfortunately, do not understand Chinese symbols 😦

So I took a full weekend Shaman course this weekend. I’m still baffled as to why I think I have the attention span for a 2 full day course where I should act serious and not like a moron. These things are hard for me. I was already frazzled arriving because it said to dress comfy/casual which turned out to be mission impossible for me. All my clothes seemed too ridiculous to wear to a shaman course. It took me longer to dress then a night out clubbing. Dressing down is hard. Then when I finally finished I noticed I was wearing navy blue socks with blacks pants and my OCD head exploded and I needed to start again. First of all, at the course, my name badge I had to wear for the whole weekend read Buttram. Argh. There is nothing worse then having my actual last name printed on my shirt for a whole weekend but Buttram? Dear god. Ya ramming of the butt, that’s just great. Then, we had to stand in a circle and shake rattles or beat drums and were encouraged to let out whatever sounds you felt like making. I of course found this very difficult and eventually starting sing Hey-ya which I then realized was all too reminiscent of Outkast’s version. I’m glad I caught on before I started singing “shake it like a polaroid picture.” I was trying to not be a goofy tool in the spirit circle but all I could think was, I will never be an accomplished shaman, this rattling is totally flaring my carpel tunnel. Drumming would have been worse. I’m not Shaman material at all. This was totally confirmed to me when we started journeying. All it is is lying down, listening to drums and visualizing. I had to visualize myself traveling to the lower world but for some reason all my journey’s started off with Sailor Moon doing a trip flip and yelling “let’s go!” When we were told to meet animal spirit guides, people saw wolves, turtles, whales and so much more. I saw cartoon lizards having a beach party and a frog that stood on two legs and smoked cigarettes. At one point my turtle spirit guides sat down to a game of poker. I thought, I am the fucking worst journeyer ever! EVER! Why is my frog smoking a cigarette and talking to me like Yosemite Sam? Wtf! We then did a journey to meet our teacher. Some people saw Monks, some saw Grandmothers, one lady saw Jesus, but no, I saw a lumberjack that had the ability to turn into Thor. From axe to hammer in seconds! Yep. I even shared it with the class. Just to let everyone know that my answers would be considered retarded for the rest of the workshop. On the last journey we were to visit with our power animal. I was so tired. My back was in SO much pain from sitting cross legged on a wood floor for two days and I was STARVING because I hadn’t eaten any of the snacks because I am on super diet 2013. My journey was so bad. I couldn’t focus, my power animal turtle seemed lazy and therefore I starting planning dinner in my head to the point where I felt my power animal might have actually been tofu. It was a good weekend. I’m glad I did it. It was just a real lesson that my guidance or whatever, on any spiritual level, will never be serious, solemn or stern. It may always involve Sailor Moon doing karate, gambling turtles and smoking frogs.

My Grandma has been looking to find an umbrella repair man for her favourite umbrella. We didn’t want to break it to her that we live in the age of, when it’s broken throw it out and buy a new one so my Mom googled it. She came up with a name and his title was indeed umbrella repairman. See!! They exist, she insisted. When I clicked onto the name it took me into an archived edition of the Ottawa Gazette from 1957. So close Mom, but so far.  

So I want to make an announcement. We have added an addition to the family! No not a baby or a dog, even better…a Honda. I am very honoured and proud to be the current driver of an heirloom that has been passed through generations in my family. My new stereo is a tape deck! I think I own 2 cassettes, one of me getting a psychic reading and one of my “radio show” I used to record myself doing as a kid. I will definitely be listening to the latter with my new cassette playing car. I would have listened to cassettes the whole way home from Montreal but the only one that my Aunt could find was a Roger Whittaker tape which was the most depressing thing I had ever heard, despite the “intense whistling” as my Aunt described it. She showed me that the two rubber bands around the visor were my Uncle’s “hands free” cell phone system. I looked in shock. That is so fucking genius!! I put my cell phone up there and put my itunes and had it on the rest of the trip. So genius!! Who are these idiots spending money on a hands free set or music systems? Two elastic bands will suffice. Amazing! I called people “hands free” the whole way home. Thank you elastic band visor, you have changed my life. Ok Val, I will never mention the car again…promise.

My Mom volunteered to follow me in her car in case something happened. Just to be safe. As soon as we got onto the highway my Mom gunned it and left me miles behind, nervous in the new car in crazy Montreal traffic. She called me twenty minutes later wondering where I was. Wayyyy behind you my friend, you are the worst safety convoy person ever. 

I went to the hospital to visit my Grandmother who is doing very well! I accidentally got shuffled into a twenty minute family meeting with the doctor about my Granny’s stool. I should have never been invited into discussing such serious fecal matters. The only thing I added to the conversation was the idea of a poop chart with gold stars. Then I tried really hard not to laugh. Not cool.

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Omg omg omg omg omg OMG! Jax from Sons of Anarchy will be Christian Grey for the Fifty Shades movie!!! Eeeee!! I may have teared up a little when I heard, that’s how excited I am. Apparently I have a problem. Charlie Hunnam in a smut movie!! Eeeeee!! I am going to go on opening night, camp out even! My Mom said she wanted to go too…a good old fashion porn night…those were her exact words. I am not sure what is old fashioned about a porn night. But she said it like it was a real thing. Porn nights these days sonny are nothing like they used to be, back in the day they were good ol’ fashioned porn nights. It was like a good old fashioned corn roast, or a good old fashioned murder. I dunno. Whatever. NAKED CHARLIE HUNNAM!! (with my Mom…) Bazziiiiingggg! Eeeeeee! I can’t even believe there is controversy. I read all the books (shut up) and he will be crazy good, so whatever haters, wait and see the inhumanely hot Hunnam magic. I feel like it’s Christmas and I just opened up a big bag of eye candy (and whips and chains). I may have even joined the new Facebook page 50 Shades of Charlie Hunnam group. All they do is post hot pics all day and it is soooo distracting.  Sigh. Ok I am done, for real. I have collected myself and mopped up my drool. 

Did anyone else know that the couple from those “Body Break-participACTION” commercials were still around? They are so still around that I just read they were kicked off the show Amazing Race Canada!! I know none of you knew that because no one watches that show. I watched the original Amazing Race once, it was on hour of quick changing shots, people under stress and constant arguments. It gave me heart palpitations and anxiety that I realized there was no need to ever watch it again. So the body break couple still exists and they are back in the media. They said that during the show they felt they were totally targeted by other teams, because they were already well known and famous. Famous? Ummm I guess? That might be a bit of a stretch Hal and Joanne?! Ok. I know their names. They are obviously famous…Just in Canada though! Body breeaak! 

So back to school shopping was a total fail. Hennie bought a computer from China, that was all. Fuck! No pens, no notebooks, no planners, no clothes, no bells, no whistles. Argh! I’ll get myself shoes for Hennie’s back to school and that will make it all better. I fancy a pair of red boots for back to school.

The original ‘The Voice’ judges have all reunited! Yay! Although I will still watch the show, I never get to the end because it gets stupid and stupid people win because stupid people vote and the judges become stupid. Stupid show. But it’s starting soon, yay!

Holy shit! I just read that Harper told a group of non-profit volunteers that he likes twerking, but only does it with close friends and every now and then with Obama! He totally meant tweeting! Omg, please SNL do a skit of Harper twerking with Obama, please. Or just hire me as a writer, I have many more ideas SNL, many, many more ideas.  

Isn’t it exhausting keeping up the lady maintenance or shescaping? I feel like I finally got my hair, that grows like a weed, cut, got my Karl Marx unibrow waxed, shaved my legs where it always ends in me looking like I kneeled in a bowl of glass, shaved the pits and then today, I am in the bathroom at Chapters when I look into the mirror and see a full on lady mustache. I looked like Stalin. Come on! When did my face become a communist? It’s exhausting! Dammit! How did I not notice this she caterpillar on my face before? Fucking lighting. Hey Chapters, dim down the neon intense lighting and turn up the mood lighting. I want to think I look amazing while shopping in the clearance bin at Chapters, near the back of the store, full of weird stuff like notepads, magnets, salt spoons and pen cases with no pens in them. Hennie has intense facial hair too. He once said if we ever had kids they would be wolverines…I think he’s right.

Tip for making your Thai food outing more enjoyable. If ordering pad thai or something like it, ask for extra penis sauce! No one will flinch. It sounds exactly like peanut sauce. But it will make your day, because you feel awesome and cheeky. I’ve tried it, it’s a good time.

Omg Fifty Shades is going to be filmed in Vancouver…eeeeee! Road trip! Omg when did I get so creepy? I’m like borderline stalker. Maybe it’s his beard? I have always had a weird and creepy thing for beards…especially ginger beards. I once had a dream about them. Ok, we are stopping here. 

 I had a dream the other night that I was involved with Frankenfurter from Rocky Horror Picture Show. Which is weird on it’s own but in my dream, Frankenfurter was not Tim Curry, it was Hugh Laurie (House)! He would be an amazing Frankie! I really think I’m on to something here! Ignore the fact that I have odd dreams about being involved with singing sweet transvestites from Transexual, Transylvania hu huh.

Sound of Music is coming to the NAC! Well, it’s just a song-a-long where I think there is live music and they play the movie, but that would be totally fun! Last time I dressed up for a movie and sang along was Rocky Horror actually. I’m assuming Sound of Music reaches a much less smutty and colourful crowd. Instead of wearing a french maid costume, hooker boots and crimping my hair (for Magenta obviously) I just need some curtains and perhaps braids? Ah it’ll be fun. God wouldn’t that be awesome to show up as Magenta for Sound of Music? No but seriously, I really want to go. For if anyone truly knows me, I can just fly into full on ‘how do you solve a problem like Maria’ anywhere in full operatic tone. It’s another form of my tourettes.  

In case you were wondering who I was talking about…Eeeeeee!