The kid I work with asked if we could go hiking in Gatineau Park. I didn’t think much of it, it was like nature walk, totally. When I picked her up I started to worry. She is wearing layers, a hat and proper hiking shoes. Where I, on the other hand, have showed up in cute and casual shoes, regular clothes and a leopard print cardigan. When we got to the trail I confirmed that I had misunderstood exactly what she meant by hiking. She actually meant REAL HIKING. It was a 45 minute, sweat drenching, humid, disgusting march of a helmet wearing a cute sweater. Will know for next time to pretend what she says is real and go with it. The trip did have an upside as we went to the mall after and she found leopard print leggings for me that she demanded I buy because they were so cool. My kid was also wearing leopard print pants so we are secret soul sisters. I bought them, we match! And now I own leopard leggings. And you know what? It feels right, it feels really right.

My kid and I like to tour around T&T while she tells me all about the stuff there. That place is crazy amazing and I have really grown to love it. Plus I can find amazing sprouted, organic tofu that I have never seen anywhere else! Buying fresh bean sprouts, a million different shreds, flavours and textures of tofu and my kid always getting a treat of something I have never heard of nor could pronounce. We were standing at the cash and I was just saying how much I love coming here when the person right behind us threw a giant bag of fresh chicken feet onto the conveyor belt. Fucking chicken feet!! I stopped mid sentence and looked stunned. I was pretending to be cool but I could feel my eww face happening and I couldn’t stop it. My kid looked at me to see if I was okay and I just nodded and then felt myself go green. T&T, I still love you, there are just some things I will never understand about you. Including the expiry dates on my stringed tofu. I, unfortunately, do not understand Chinese symbols 😦

So I took a full weekend Shaman course this weekend. I’m still baffled as to why I think I have the attention span for a 2 full day course where I should act serious and not like a moron. These things are hard for me. I was already frazzled arriving because it said to dress comfy/casual which turned out to be mission impossible for me. All my clothes seemed too ridiculous to wear to a shaman course. It took me longer to dress then a night out clubbing. Dressing down is hard. Then when I finally finished I noticed I was wearing navy blue socks with blacks pants and my OCD head exploded and I needed to start again. First of all, at the course, my name badge I had to wear for the whole weekend read Buttram. Argh. There is nothing worse then having my actual last name printed on my shirt for a whole weekend but Buttram? Dear god. Ya ramming of the butt, that’s just great. Then, we had to stand in a circle and shake rattles or beat drums and were encouraged to let out whatever sounds you felt like making. I of course found this very difficult and eventually starting sing Hey-ya which I then realized was all too reminiscent of Outkast’s version. I’m glad I caught on before I started singing “shake it like a polaroid picture.” I was trying to not be a goofy tool in the spirit circle but all I could think was, I will never be an accomplished shaman, this rattling is totally flaring my carpel tunnel. Drumming would have been worse. I’m not Shaman material at all. This was totally confirmed to me when we started journeying. All it is is lying down, listening to drums and visualizing. I had to visualize myself traveling to the lower world but for some reason all my journey’s started off with Sailor Moon doing a trip flip and yelling “let’s go!” When we were told to meet animal spirit guides, people saw wolves, turtles, whales and so much more. I saw cartoon lizards having a beach party and a frog that stood on two legs and smoked cigarettes. At one point my turtle spirit guides sat down to a game of poker. I thought, I am the fucking worst journeyer ever! EVER! Why is my frog smoking a cigarette and talking to me like Yosemite Sam? Wtf! We then did a journey to meet our teacher. Some people saw Monks, some saw Grandmothers, one lady saw Jesus, but no, I saw a lumberjack that had the ability to turn into Thor. From axe to hammer in seconds! Yep. I even shared it with the class. Just to let everyone know that my answers would be considered retarded for the rest of the workshop. On the last journey we were to visit with our power animal. I was so tired. My back was in SO much pain from sitting cross legged on a wood floor for two days and I was STARVING because I hadn’t eaten any of the snacks because I am on super diet 2013. My journey was so bad. I couldn’t focus, my power animal turtle seemed lazy and therefore I starting planning dinner in my head to the point where I felt my power animal might have actually been tofu. It was a good weekend. I’m glad I did it. It was just a real lesson that my guidance or whatever, on any spiritual level, will never be serious, solemn or stern. It may always involve Sailor Moon doing karate, gambling turtles and smoking frogs.

My Grandma has been looking to find an umbrella repair man for her favourite umbrella. We didn’t want to break it to her that we live in the age of, when it’s broken throw it out and buy a new one so my Mom googled it. She came up with a name and his title was indeed umbrella repairman. See!! They exist, she insisted. When I clicked onto the name it took me into an archived edition of the Ottawa Gazette from 1957. So close Mom, but so far.  

So I want to make an announcement. We have added an addition to the family! No not a baby or a dog, even better…a Honda. I am very honoured and proud to be the current driver of an heirloom that has been passed through generations in my family. My new stereo is a tape deck! I think I own 2 cassettes, one of me getting a psychic reading and one of my “radio show” I used to record myself doing as a kid. I will definitely be listening to the latter with my new cassette playing car. I would have listened to cassettes the whole way home from Montreal but the only one that my Aunt could find was a Roger Whittaker tape which was the most depressing thing I had ever heard, despite the “intense whistling” as my Aunt described it. She showed me that the two rubber bands around the visor were my Uncle’s “hands free” cell phone system. I looked in shock. That is so fucking genius!! I put my cell phone up there and put my itunes and had it on the rest of the trip. So genius!! Who are these idiots spending money on a hands free set or music systems? Two elastic bands will suffice. Amazing! I called people “hands free” the whole way home. Thank you elastic band visor, you have changed my life. Ok Val, I will never mention the car again…promise.

My Mom volunteered to follow me in her car in case something happened. Just to be safe. As soon as we got onto the highway my Mom gunned it and left me miles behind, nervous in the new car in crazy Montreal traffic. She called me twenty minutes later wondering where I was. Wayyyy behind you my friend, you are the worst safety convoy person ever. 

I went to the hospital to visit my Grandmother who is doing very well! I accidentally got shuffled into a twenty minute family meeting with the doctor about my Granny’s stool. I should have never been invited into discussing such serious fecal matters. The only thing I added to the conversation was the idea of a poop chart with gold stars. Then I tried really hard not to laugh. Not cool.

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