I was standing in line at Wal-Mart (not my normal shopping place but I was working with a kid and it was the only place open). The lady in front of me was telling the dude cashier all about the cake she was making and that she was using flax instead of eggs! I was like, omg this should be good. The burly cashier asked what flax was. Well played sir, I was hoping he would have said, who gives a shit but what’s flax is also a response that signals he doesn’t give a shit. She explained about allergens in schools, especially to eggs. The cashier buddy was like people are allergic to eggs? I don’t think so. She tried to convey to him how amazing flax was and finally he said, I just would want eggs in my cake. What was the lady thinking starting a conversation about flax with a cashier at Wal-Mart? Know your audience people! He didn’t give a shit and he liked eggs, moving on.

Hennie had to get a tooth out today. I was in the room when they were telling him that they were giving him a crazy cocktail including fentanol. As soon as they said it my eyes popped and on cue, a lady walked through the door and handed me the bill that we had to pay $1100 for a 20 mins. tooth extraction! In my head I thought it would be a few hundred dollars but apparently I was unaware of what dentist’s make. I walked out of the office, called my mother and told her I was heading to dental school. I also came back in and told Hennie he was not allowed to take any of the narcotics because we needed to sell them on the street in order to pay for the surgery. The nurse looked at me with her eyebrows raised. I was just about to say I was just kidding when Hennie says that I would be a great dealer. Ah well. Dear nurse, we will not sell the percocets prescribed. I swear! Or will we…we might.

I have decided, after watching a million hours of The Voice, I want to be on the show. But I am missing something crucial. The ultimate sob story. There is a fine art to this. It should be sad enough to cry but not so tragic that you sob. You must be rising above an illness or doing it for someone that has died. Either way it has to be good. I was trying to figure out what my The Voice audition would look like. Carson Daly would sound concerned and say…Chubby girl, raised in small town to crippled and sarcastic parents and a sister that once broke her arm (or sprained it). She suffered from mathematical retardation and left the church choir as a teenager to become a freakish, emo goth. She suffered from a British form of alcoholism for a few years just before wasting four years on a degree that led to no career. Working 9 jobs at the same time she eventually had a nervous breakdown of massive proportions and turned to music as her inspiration. She was once in a band for 2 hours but they eventually broke up when the only other member moved out west. Let’s listen…

I have a habit of breaking into the song “Conga” randomly. I have explained it to Hennie as my Gloria Estefan tourettes. It’s the most fun problem to deal with ever. You never know when a conga party will start.  

I don’t know why, but I absolutely cannot work an Xbox. I get all excited because I am home by myself, I decide I am going to rent a movie from the magic Xbox and three hours later when Hennie get’s home he finds me huddled in a ball on the floor because I went back and forth between the same two screens for an hour and couldn’t figure out how to select the movie. I don’t know when I became technologically challenged, but it has happened. We never really watch movies off of the Xbox anyways. We watch a million trailers and always feel like we have watched the whole movie so we never end up renting anything. 

I finished the Sylvia Day Crossfire smut trilogy in a week. I feel a bit dirty, a bit tired, sexually inadequate and that I wish I was a millionaire. Well that’s it. Good times. Back to the real world “sigh”.  

Ok so can I return to The Voice again…has Christina had work done? Her face looks different, like weird different. I know she lost weight but even I know there is no way your nose can lose pounds, that’s been surgically helped my friends. And I know the show is all about product placement, excuse me while I sip my Starbucks million-words-later-frappucino, but driving the contestants to the studio in a Kia is pretty dumb. You mean they aren’t in the building during the show? Are they just hanging in the car waiting for the camera to tell them to go? Oh Kia, Starbucks is a tiny bit subtle but a car, it’s hard to just shove that into the frame.  

Jack fm graces the radio at my parent’s house more often then not. And that’s all good and fine because they play some rocking tunes but after 9am it turns into Jesus radio. Which is really stressful when you run upstairs for a snack and it’s dark and there is a voice from the corner telling me I am a sinner and going to hell. It’s terrifying actually. Come on Jack, what happened to Rod the bod and Aretha, angry Jesus man is much less fun to listen too, especially at night…in the dark. 

Ok so I guess everyone has heard the news. It’s devastating, upsetting and a real let down. I was shocked and inconsolable. Charlie Hunnam will not be playing Christian Grey in Fifty Shades. It’s so sad. I was already way too pumped to see Charlie bring it as an S&M sex fiend but now I think I have come to terms with it. He is too good for Christian Grey. Charlie Hunnam is such an amazing actor, I think he ran the risk of making this his Showgirls, a possible career killer. And that would have been worse. It would have killed Jax Teller’s legacy and would have turned Charlie into just a Hollywood penis making bad decisions. *Sigh* I guess it wasn’t meant to be. It would have blown too many people’s minds, mainly mine. But I’m over it. I mourned the loss by staying up way too late getting up to date with the new season of Sons of Anarchy. Did I mention I am going to a Halloween party as Gemma? I had a busy bee meltdown the other day when I couldn’t find my hooker boots but thank god, I found them. They are an integral part of the costume. I will be the most amazing Gemma ever! I will make Gemma proud! 

I just went to Spirit of Halloween with my kid and I forgot that the spirit of Halloween is to dress as slutty as possible in  any costume you wear! Slutty nurse, slutty cougar, slutty police. The costumes there were outrageous! But I have never been one to buy costumes, oh no. I have an eclectic enough cupboard full of clothes that I can usually whip together something pretty quickly. Slutty biker chick was easy for me to figure out. My favourite outfit I saw at the shop tonight was Robin Thicke’s outfit from the infamous Miley Cyrus VMA debacle and it was called the twerk suit. So awesome.  

I finally found cassettes in a second hand shop! There was about 10, most of which were terrible but I did manage to score 2 Tina Turner tapes and an REM one. I am pretty sure I will never listen to the REM one because, in my opinion, they were the most overly played band of the nineties but maybe on occasion I will be able to tolerate Shiny Happy People. I was so excited to find tapes, especially Tina! I was with my kid, who at 17, had only seen a cassette like once before. I felt like my car was turning into a museum for kids. Yes, there is no keychain that unlocks the car, I will do it manually. Yes that is a cassette player, for cassettes. Pass me the Tina Turner tape. You don’t know Tina Turner? Sacrilegious! The drink holder pops out from under the stereo, cool eh? I was shocked when my kid did not join in with me singing Proud Mary, Disco Inferno and What’s love got to do with it. Come on! I’m not that old, am I? On my way home I was seriously blasting the tunes only to be watched by a guy driving next to me as I did the dance moves for Rollin on a river, while driving of course. I’ve done a lot of stupid things while driving, but being watched while doing actual Tina moves to a Tina song, well that’s pretty fucking awesome. Ugh I just googled it and I found a video of kids doing the dance as a dance recital, gag. Not okay, that’s adult dancing honey pies.