One thing about house sitting in this house in the country is that I always assume we are isolated and alone on the property. Which is why, while I waited for my laundry to dry in the sun, I carried on with my naked Sunday, until it became a bit cold and then I downgraded to no-pants-Sunday. I was standing at the stove, cooking lunch when I noticed a car coming up the driveway and saw a hunter in the front seat (bright orange, can’t miss those “camo” dudes). I freaked out because this house is all windows. As I raced to find a pair of pants I saw two hunters in the back walking across the yard. Omg. I was surrounded. I felt like a deer with no pants on, caught in the headlights. The house we look after allows hunters to hunt here which, as a vegetarian kind of destroys me. Like when I am having my cup of coffee, looking out the back window at the family of deer munching away peacefully and then one of them gets shot. It kinda ruins my day. But now I have been a peep show, of pant-less fun to the people that are murdering big Bambi’s in the back. Good times.  

I also decided it was drink-as-much-coffee-as-humanely-possible-Sunday. I told Hennie at around 4pm that if I died of a heart attack he had full permission to tour the world and tell people the evils of caffeine. But if I didn’t die, I would probably do it all over again tomorrow.  

I am part of a Facebook group called ‘Charlie Hunnam International’ and it basically just fills my newsfeed with pictures of this actor. I wake up and I’m thinking, what’s the news on FB today, woah shirtless picture of Charlie, good news! Then at lunch when I check to see what’s happenening, more Charlie Hunnam photos or maybe even a collage that someone has creepily made in their spare time. It was getting a bit much until something really odd started happening, people started turning to the group for support for their problems. So now it’s shirtless pic of Charlie Hunnam, followed my, “I had a nervous breakdown this week but I know I have support from Charlie’s Angels so I am back up and running” and a ton of people like it and wish her well! It’s actually kind of hilarious. I was telling Hennie it should be called “Charlie Hunnam International Support group for women.” It’s endlessly amusing with a side of dirty, hot man pictures.  

I was in line a Starbucks drive through a little while ago and the car’s license plate was RAPN JP. I wonder who thought that was an okay license plate. Like there was no way one could look at it and go, wow, raping JP, that’s not okay. I remember Bumper Stumpers, I was pretty good at it and that plate, my friends, could go either way. Ontario disallows so many peoples license plates like HUGEBTCH, NICENUTS, GOFKRSLF, KOOOOGAR, FECALMTR and my favourite, GODSQWAD. but no, Raping JP is totally fine.  

My Dad saw a truck with the bumper sticker “Sons of Lanarky” on it. I must know who these people are. That. Is. Amazing. I wonder if they have a secret gang of big trucks out there in Lanark Highlands. They probably don’t shoot people but deer and they probably do get their guns from people who think they are Irish (but actually fifth generation, once removed). I wonder if they have like nerdy re-creations of the show like all the civil war nerd fans do. I have a Gemma costume!! 

I just sat in the Carlingwood food court for half an hour listening to a woman tell her friend about how she married her cousin…true story…then I watched two people trying to find the bathroom but without looking up from their phones. They were confused, couldn’t take the time to look at the signs, instead asked someone which was hilarious because they were literally standing inside the washrooms. Tip-Carlingwood is the best place to people watch ever. 

I’m so paranoid about all the hunters in our backyard. I nervously run to the car wondering if I will get shot. I look both ways and try to look as little like a deer as I can while sprinting to my car. I am especially nervous if I am wearing all brown. No fancy head bands for me, they could look like antlers. I was so stressed out one day my Mother told me to get a bright orange vest for walking the 10 feet to the car. 

Three ladies over the age of 70 each got out their cell phones and compared them with one another at the coffee shop today. One lady asked the other if her phone got the news? It did, the other lady replied. Then she asked if it had the photo on it? And the video? It did! It was so funny to see these old ladies comparing their smart phones! And then it made me ashamed of my 95 year old Grandma who could bake a lemon loaf while standing on her head, but does not own a cell phone. Get with the times Grandma! You would LOVE Facebook. Well for the first bit, then it would get annoying and your news feed would get clogged with shirtless pictures of hot actors all the time and it would just be a stupid, mind numbing distraction from your lemon loaf which is probably burnt by now.  

Ben and I just road tripped down to Peterborough to the Retirement home he used to work at, to help with their Christmas Bazaar. On the way down, we pass a giant fishing lodge and Ben yells out, “Do you know what anglers are??” I reply that yes, they are fisherman. He yells, “holy shit I just figured that out a couple days ago, how come no one ever told me?! I was trying to figure out what they are angling, or what angle they were talking about!” Classic.  

I just realized what the worst thing is about the Christmas season. It’s Michael Buble. He is everywhere! Completely unavoidable. He follows you around while you are shopping, he finds you at work, he is on the radio, tv and the internet. I would skip Christmas this year, build a yurt, wear permanent ear plugs and maybe, just maybe I could avoid the Buble Christmas trauma.  

Tip- cassette tape cases make excellent scrapers when stuck in a winter snow before you had any forethought to buy a real scraper for the car. Thanks Tina. Life skill. 

I have turned into a pyromaniac and I completely blame the wood stove in our house we are staying at. I want to burn everything. I look forward to finding non-glossy magazines so I can burn them. I have started hoarding newspapers from my work. I burn every receipt and piece of junk mail I ever get. I have even started removing things from their cardboard package so I can burn then. I wonder if Hennie realizes where his cereal boxes keep going. 

Um Carrie Underwood plays Maria on the NBC version of Sound of Music?? That is wrong. That is so wrong. NO ONE CAN PLAY MARIA LIKE JULIE ANDREWS. Except me of course and I am shocked they didn’t ask and instead went with a country singer?! Fuck that. Table flip. 

Uh hey The Voice. Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley? Umm I’m pretty sure that song is written by my good friend Leonard Cohen. Just sayin’