Well I just went snowshoeing for the first time. Let’s discuss the misadventure that was this. First of all I could not figure out how to put the snowshoes on. There were no instructions, just many knobs and strappy things that all outdoor sporting stores are full to the brim with. Then after figuring it out on my first foot by sitting down and really tightening every strap I could find I decided it was on right. I stood up to put the second one one but just as I was finishing I fell over. I felt turtled. I couldn’t understand how to get up with two snowshoes on. After some serious beached whale action I managed to scoot over to an outdoor tap I could use as something to grab onto while I pulled myself up. I was up! I was excited! I had finally managed to put on two snowshoes and was ready to be the Canadian Jesus of snow, angelicly floating on the cold white stuff. The first step I took felt powerful, almost surreal. Then with my second step my foot sank down a bit into the snow. With my third step I sank even farther until, with my fourth step, I sank so low into the snow that it started going into my boot. I made it to the bird feeder to fill it and then disappointingly trudged back to the front door. What a let down! My snowshoes were obviously broken and my Jesus experience ruined. I am over snowshoeing, we are done.

Sorry another music rant. I know I will never be a true hipster because I absolutely do not get Arcade Fire. The first time I ever heard the whole reflector song was when they were on SNL. I felt like anyone pretentious enough to sing mainly one word for 10 minutes on a comedy sketch show should be more aware of their audience. Comedy is an ADD cornucopia of quick wit and lightning fast zings and then these dudes dressed like eighties hipster trekkies came out and almost danced and sang the word reflector over and over again. It ground my gears so much. It felt like a form of torture sent right from Quebec. Quebec was providing me with emotions, just like their slogan. But they were negative emotions. Anyways, the point is I just found out the name of the album is “Reflektor” as is the name of the tour. I swear to god, If I hear that word one more freakin time…They are probably an amazing band but I can’t think of any of their other songs and this one makes me lose my mind. The end.

I keep sending house rental links to my friend Rachelle who we are moving in with in Ottawa this summer. I love the banter that goes on. Love the house but did you know that it’s in Barrhaven? Me-NOOO Barfhaven, no way, we are not living in the burbs. Then I sent another one and she thought it was nice on the inside but from the outside looked like it was in the slums. I thought that the slummy character would be excellent for people watching and may be exciting enough to maybe have to call the cops on occasion. It would be an “exciting” place to live. I would put slums in my pro category.

You know when you walk out into a parking lot and have that moment of panic because you have absolutely no idea where you parked your car? But at least if you don’t have an ancient car (like I do) you can remotely flash the lights or something to help you guide the way? I now have this problem at the gym. I walk into the locker room after a workout and panic as I look at all the lockers and realize I have no idea where I put my stuff. But there is no beeping or flashing lights option. I have to look like a creeper and open a million other lockers before coming to my own. Yikes. Total gym amnesia. Maybe all my rippling muscles are sucking energy from my brain…is that a thing? Does that happen? Oh wait…what rippling muscles…

There is a house for sale in CP and there is a little sign above the sale sign that reads “Bigger than it looks!” and every time I drive by I plan out doing some late night guerilla comedy and making a big sign beside it that says “That’s what he said.” Because it would be awesome. The last time I got ballsy enough to do some good ol’ vandalism, as I am sure I mentioned in other blogs, my friend Rob and I spray painted the sign that announced the new Wal-Mart coming in CP. We dressed all in black, made a plan and then spray painted “Consumer Whore” on the sign. Well, Rob had a little mess-up with the paint can and might have actually wrote “Consumer Whobe” but I imagine it still got our point across. So badass!

I think I’m the only gal in town that when I run into ex-boyfriends I get their life progress reports. You know like how rehab is or was and what they are doing to better their lives. Because I guess I was THAT girlfriend. I’m serious, there is more then one guy that I used to date that every time I see them I get the list of habits they have kicked and the ones they have not. I must have been the naggiest biatch alive for them to still feel they have to explain. Yikes.

I had a crazy dream last night. I dreamt I was being chased by bad guys, the exact bad guys from White House Down to be precise and there was intense fear and running and chasing but also an extreme sense of security. Because in this dream, Sofia Vergara was married to Bruce Willis but he was having an affair with me. And for some reason Sofia knew about it and it was cool but he was protecting us and seriously, there is no fear when Bruce Willis is on your side. None.