The best thing about Springtime is that people start to clean there houses out. And the shit you can find at the end of people’s driveways is totally stellar. I am still upset with myself about clipping along and driving past what I thought to be a canoe shelf (looks like half a boat cut in half, stands vertical and is a shelf, for you non-Canadians). An item I have always wanted to own. I got back to the house and in emergency out of breathe-ness demanded Hennie go get it with me, he refused. Then I asked Dad, he also refused. I knew if my Mother had been home she would have been screaming, starting the alarm bells, jumped into the batmobile and peeled out of the driveway with an emergency flashing light she could have kept in the glove compartment to signify she was on the way to catch a good deal. She was very disappointed in me for not returning by myself because a canoe shelf is indeed an epic score. I drove by later that night and of course it was gone. DAMMIT!! How did I drive by a bloody canoe shelf?!?! NEVER again I vowed.
I have been job hunting like a crazy person because, well, moving day is around the corner and I had not got my shit together for work in the city yet. I would be endlessly amused by the random job postings though. I wondered how far I could get in the interview process for the company looking for a hot air balloon pilot. Oh sure, you just pull this cord, make some fire and off ya go. But finally, after months of stressing, discouragement and endless applications I landed myself the job I had been gunning for. Hazaa! Even though, apparently in my interview I said the words “I’m young” too many times and that really put them off. And I didn’t know the lady well enough to to tell her that those were obvious telltale signs I was having a mid-life crisis but instead explained to her that it meant I was excited to learn. I have one month left to say I am young and then it is all over, apparently that’s when one becomes an adult, sigh. Despite the hilarity that was my interview, because when I get nervous I resort to comedy and then it tends to go down hill, I got the job at Whole Foods. So yay! I will be scarily underemployed for the summer though so if anyone knows of any summer work I could do until September I am in! Except for berry picking, that was the shortest job I ever had. Worked 3 hours, handed in my basket of berries and never came back. That shit is hard yo!

I write notes in my phone of funny things as they happen so I can either enjoy them later or write about them. I just found the notes God bless Jesus and banjo earrings and I have no recollection as to what that pertains too but it sounds like it could have been super funny.

I had an impromptu night out the other night. After spending a wonderful day with my friend and her kids and a box of wine, I decided to keep the party going after I left and headed to the local bar. At this bar I ran into someone I probably hadn’t seen in a million years and then continued drinking with him and his wife until the wee hours of the morning. The evening ended in a blur but the next day I found a thesaurus in my bag and a video on my phone of us in Pizza Pizza where I am yelling a speech about how gluten free people were parias of society and should be shot, as I order a gf pizza. And then I swear a lot. Omg how embarrassing. Then they are like 5 short videos of me trying to take selfies of all of us but totally being on video mode instead. Priceless. A few days later I found a romance novel in my purse too which I had never seen. So that night out was the gift that kept on giving 🙂

There is a woodpecker that has been waking me up at 5 am for over a week now. He is beak hammering the fucking aluminum siding of the house closest to my head. I have opened my eyes and fantasized about murdering this bird many times. As a vegetarian I am generally not cool with killing animals but I have given my Dad full permission to utilize force as he sees fit. So he went and bought a plastic owl. Not totally what I had in mind. The lady at the shop told him that they peck on loud things as like a mating call. And this has been going on awhile so I assume the female woodpeckers have also decided that this woodpecker should probably ride the short bus and not peck into hard siding for hours at a time. They are not interested in Woody the Woodpecker meets the side of the house, it’s not natural, it’s kind of cheating. He is either incredibly clever or dumb as a post. But it’s weird to start everyday with happy visions of exploding woodpeckers, it really is.

In light of my milestone birthday coming up I have started to compile a list of things I would like to do in my early thirties, so far I have…

-learn to ride a motorcycle
-join a gang
-sing karaoke
-kill a woodpecker
-plant my own garden and not kill everything
-own a Muskoka chair
-start a comedy youtube channel with Rob
-start a band
-go to a country I have never been too
-create and star in a tv show about weird festivals all over the world

Whew I am exhausted already.

I was at the gym watching CNN or whatever repetitive television network they show at the gym when I read on the subtitle thingies that during the Pistorius case they had read text messages sent from Oscar to Reeva to see how their relationship was. And I thought ya good idea and woah, what if at some point Hennie accidentally murdered me in the bathroom one night and then they looked at our text messages? They range from a lot of I Love You’s to you are stupid, then responded by well your face is stupid. Imagine if the media got ahold of your text messages? Ok I just looked through our texts to find something that could be incriminating but apparently we are boring as fuck…as FUCK! Example: Should I throw out the cabbage? Me: Is it brown? Hennie: Not really. Me: Then it’s fine! I will make cabbage steaks.

So I am started the grueling process of finding a job in the city. I have had some interviews. I have some interesting interviews coming up but I’m not getting excited about them because last time I got excited about a job interview and didn’t get the job I ended up ham showed in a dive bar on Bank street smoking cigarettes and eating poutine and cupcakes…we shall not repeat that this time. One night I was talking to Hennie about how different my interviews were. They were everything from small independent businesses to giant corporations. I looked at Hennie and said, I like small businesses, I’m not sure if I am ready to be just a number, just another cock in the wheel. Hennie looks at me and tells me he is not sure being a “cock in a wheel” is an actually saying. So what are the things in wheels called? Spokes. Apparently I wasn’t sure about being another spoke in the wheel…not cock.

I got stressed out the other day when I realized I don’t even own a pair of dress pants. What if I get a big girl job? I just have leggings. I thought, if I were actually an adult I would wear pants. I would also feel comfortable with a tucked in shirt. So I am currently sitting here, typing with a t-shirt tucked into my pajama pants just to see what adult hood is really like. And I would like to report, it’s pretty comfy…a little nerdy, but comfy.

I was listening to the traffic report from CBC the other day and I appreciate that the dude always tries to throw a bit of flair into the dull traffic update but sometimes it falls flat or leaves me wondering what the fuck he is on about. The other day was my favourite, he said that for today’s traffic there was a lot of tight rides in Ottawa. My immediate reaction was to yell what?? a la Lois from Family Guy, followed by a phone call to Hennie to tell him about the tight rides in Ottawa and then a note to my self to share this wonderful news tip with you all. Tight rides? How come an alarm didn’t sound in his head indicating he sounded like a broadcaster for porn, if there ever was such a thing. Oh my god, I better untuck my shirt now, I am apparently 8 years old. The same 8 year old that nearly died every time we went past a Rona “Do It Centre.” Untucked!

I pulled out onto the highway in Almonte the other day and realized after that there had been a car coming in the opposite direction but I hadn’t seen it. And then as it came closer I saw it was painted in full camouflage. I thought firstly, that I couldn’t believe the paint job had worked, I literally hadn’t seen the car and then I though, wait, that must be fucking illegal to paint your car camo. Like first and foremost it’s hideous but secondly it impairs my ability to see it on the roads apparently.

My Dad was talking to us about my parent’s upcoming trip to Newfoundland this summer and we started talking about our previous family trip there. I said, didn’t we camp in Dildo? Dad nodded as Hennie realized what we had just said. “Dildo??” Yes, Hennie, everyone knows Dildo, Newfoundland. He asked why it was called that and I googled it but totally forget what it said but more importantly, on the Wiki sight it says “The town’s unusual name has brought it a certain amount of noteriety in the same vein as Fucking, Austria; Nob End, England; Effin, Ireland; Twat, Scotland; Intercourse, Pennsylvania; Bald Nob, West Virginia and Wankum, Germany.” I told Hennie we had to save up for an around the world trip (sort of) to all of these places so we could get our picture taken at all of the signs. He was so in. When I went out with some gal friends the next night we googled how long it would take us to drive to Bald Nob, West Virginia just to say we went there. Anyways it’s 12 hours and 20 minutes. So if anyone has some spare time this summer I would totally be up for a road trip. Just sayin’.