The best thing about Springtime is that people start to clean there houses out. And the shit you can find at the end of people’s driveways is totally stellar. I am still upset with myself about clipping along and driving past what I thought to be a canoe shelf (looks like half a boat cut in half, stands vertical and is a shelf, for you non-Canadians). An item I have always wanted to own. I got back to the house and in emergency out of breathe-ness demanded Hennie go get it with me, he refused. Then I asked Dad, he also refused. I knew if my Mother had been home she would have been screaming, starting the alarm bells, jumped into the batmobile and peeled out of the driveway with an emergency flashing light she could have kept in the glove compartment to signify she was on the way to catch a good deal. She was very disappointed in me for not returning by myself because a canoe shelf is indeed an epic score. I drove by later that night and of course it was gone. DAMMIT!! How did I drive by a bloody canoe shelf?!?! NEVER again I vowed.
I have been job hunting like a crazy person because, well, moving day is around the corner and I had not got my shit together for work in the city yet. I would be endlessly amused by the random job postings though. I wondered how far I could get in the interview process for the company looking for a hot air balloon pilot. Oh sure, you just pull this cord, make some fire and off ya go. But finally, after months of stressing, discouragement and endless applications I landed myself the job I had been gunning for. Hazaa! Even though, apparently in my interview I said the words “I’m young” too many times and that really put them off. And I didn’t know the lady well enough to to tell her that those were obvious telltale signs I was having a mid-life crisis but instead explained to her that it meant I was excited to learn. I have one month left to say I am young and then it is all over, apparently that’s when one becomes an adult, sigh. Despite the hilarity that was my interview, because when I get nervous I resort to comedy and then it tends to go down hill, I got the job at Whole Foods. So yay! I will be scarily underemployed for the summer though so if anyone knows of any summer work I could do until September I am in! Except for berry picking, that was the shortest job I ever had. Worked 3 hours, handed in my basket of berries and never came back. That shit is hard yo!

I write notes in my phone of funny things as they happen so I can either enjoy them later or write about them. I just found the notes God bless Jesus and banjo earrings and I have no recollection as to what that pertains too but it sounds like it could have been super funny.

I had an impromptu night out the other night. After spending a wonderful day with my friend and her kids and a box of wine, I decided to keep the party going after I left and headed to the local bar. At this bar I ran into someone I probably hadn’t seen in a million years and then continued drinking with him and his wife until the wee hours of the morning. The evening ended in a blur but the next day I found a thesaurus in my bag and a video on my phone of us in Pizza Pizza where I am yelling a speech about how gluten free people were parias of society and should be shot, as I order a gf pizza. And then I swear a lot. Omg how embarrassing. Then they are like 5 short videos of me trying to take selfies of all of us but totally being on video mode instead. Priceless. A few days later I found a romance novel in my purse too which I had never seen. So that night out was the gift that kept on giving 🙂

There is a woodpecker that has been waking me up at 5 am for over a week now. He is beak hammering the fucking aluminum siding of the house closest to my head. I have opened my eyes and fantasized about murdering this bird many times. As a vegetarian I am generally not cool with killing animals but I have given my Dad full permission to utilize force as he sees fit. So he went and bought a plastic owl. Not totally what I had in mind. The lady at the shop told him that they peck on loud things as like a mating call. And this has been going on awhile so I assume the female woodpeckers have also decided that this woodpecker should probably ride the short bus and not peck into hard siding for hours at a time. They are not interested in Woody the Woodpecker meets the side of the house, it’s not natural, it’s kind of cheating. He is either incredibly clever or dumb as a post. But it’s weird to start everyday with happy visions of exploding woodpeckers, it really is.

In light of my milestone birthday coming up I have started to compile a list of things I would like to do in my early thirties, so far I have…

-learn to ride a motorcycle
-join a gang
-sing karaoke
-kill a woodpecker
-plant my own garden and not kill everything
-own a Muskoka chair
-start a comedy youtube channel with Rob
-start a band
-go to a country I have never been too
-create and star in a tv show about weird festivals all over the world

Whew I am exhausted already.