Well it has started happening. The beer belly has started creeping back. I hadn’t been to a gym in over a month. I also have done what new University students do when they move out, I think we called it putting on the Freshman 10. All freshman gain 10lbs the first year of school due to mainly eating mac and cheese and drinking a lot of beer. Well, I have done this…again…I moved into a place with roommates and I have spent the last month drinking beer, munching on social nibblies and eating everything else barbecued. I put on the just-turned-30 5 lbs. So today when I thought it was a good idea to do a Body Pump class at Good Life, I absolutely should have known better. It is one full hour of non-stop weight lifting. It was the scariest workout I have ever done. It makes those Jane Fonda tapes I used to work out to as a kid look like a fucking walk in the park (with giant hair and leg warmers). The Good LIfe I went to for this class is situated in a Loblaws, the second level but still in the Loblaws. My legs had become such piles of jelly that I was terrified I wouldn’t be able to make it down the stairs and that I would end up head first in the little enclave where Asian ladies make sushi all day. Anyways I did it. My whole body has the shakes but I bloody well did it. This first Good Life we went to was another one off of Pinecrest. We went for a class called Bodyflow which they say is Yoga, Tai Chi and Pilates. But it is most definitely none of those things. Blasting pop music at you and yelling your next move is definitely not yoga and I am sure anyone who has ever done Tai Chi would be totally disgusted. I forgot a mat so I grabbed one and it was so dirty the blue had turned black. I spent most of the class barefoot on a matt that I was sure would give me a disease. Even, when previous to the class, they were showing us around the gym I didn’t see anyone actively cleaning the machines as you would at the other gyms I am used to. I was trying to not think about how much sweat had seeped into my mat to make is black during cool down (which many people leave before which is crazy to me because Savasana is the best part!) when panic overtook me and my eyes darted open only to see 2 giant ceiling fans above me that were absolutely black with dust! Ewww!!

Has anyone else discovered the joys of the free stuff section on Kijiji? What an amazing thing! I can browse it for hours thinking, wow what can I do with those free cement blocks they look intriguing or free biblical signs. I shit you not…

Date Listed
18-Jul-14
Price
Free
Address
Courtright, ON N0N 1H0

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Extraordinary displays of God’s glory, or ‘biblical signs’ if you will, are now being seen over many nations. You are not going to hear about this on the news.

Take a look at the photos in this ad and then visit http://www.revelation12.ca for more images, video, and prophecy about what is going on! You are going to be blown away….

Be sure to read the wedding invitation that Jesus spoke about in the Matthew 22 parable, His return for the wedding guests could happen at any time!

Because I tend to believe what people say about the Universe when I read it in the free section of Kijiji. But anyways, we decided to “shop” for a free tv. The first one I scored was in Almonte and the heaviest television known to mankind! Ben and I could not lift it. It was a stressful episode and one that resulted in failure. By the time I got this beast home (it took up the whole back of the Yaris) it had broken. Total fail. But, as I was telling Hennie, the key to free stuff on Kijiji is you have to act fast. So while we were out at a diner I took a quick look and saw a free, not 10000lbs tv in Kanata. I messaged them immediately and said we could be there in half an hour. I’m sure she must have wondered, why were they not as work? But then, we are shopping for free stuff online so the general conclusion was probably that we are totally unemployed, sitting on our free couch looking for other free scores from the magical world of the interweb. But anyways, we made it there in 20 minutes and got an awesome thousand year old Sony tv, wooot! Other amazing things that can be found on free kijiji….used cooking oil, toilet, assassin snails and weird baby staff like empty sacks for breast milk storage.

Oh boy do we have a colourful neighborhood! There is a pizza place on the corner that always has a million dudes out front hanging in their Hondas or Toyotas. Our roomate went down to get a slice of pizza and they didn’t have any. My suspicions were correct, it is in fact not a pizza place but a drug front. Which makes me worry because across the street there is a dude with dreads hanging out all day in front of his complex and people come to see him and then leave so I assumed he was also selling drugs. And I don’t think these people are working together. But judging by the amount of police presence in the neighborhood, I’m also wondering if the old couple that sit out front of their house all day waving at all the cars passing might also be selling drugs. Maybe a more socially acceptable kind. Prescriptions perhaps? Anyways, I haven’t seen them in days so we think the pizza guys might have offed them in the gang wars. Agnes and Herbert might have become casualties to the pizza mafia.

So I am going to blame my lack of writing to a) the fact that I do not have a desk or proper place for my comic genius to flow and b) my Mac laptop needs to be plugged in at all times for it can no longer hold a charge. So if I am casually snuggling up to a plug socket in the wall and someone walks by and trips on my cord, all is lost. A truly annoying problem. So I decided to make the damned appointment and take it to the doctor’s (genius bar at Apple store). My biggest fear has always been taking my computer to have a hispter hat and glasses wearing Apple employee look at my computer only for random porn to show up on the screen. Hennie explained to me that random porn will not just show up on your screen because you are in the store, you would have to have been actively watching it and not shut down your computer in order for that to even possibly be a problem. So a few days earlier before taking it to the shop I had been watching Mad Men through a dodgy streaming site when I had accidentally pulled on the cord and lost power and therefore swore violently and gave up. I put the computer in it’s sack and the next time I opened it was to show Mr. tight jeans and cool lingo guy at Apple. And to my absolute fucking horror as my computer screen lights up it has gone back to my Mad Men screen, which because I am watching it off a dodgy streaming site, there are two simultaneous ads on either side of Don Draper of a girl having wayyyy too much fun with herself…naked. I started tourettes yelling Mad Men! Mad Men! I was watching Mad Men! Mad Men! It’s an ad! I didn’t choose it! Oh god, oh god, close the screen! Even the hispter guy was like woah! can you exit out of this for me please Ma’am? I was like NOOOO I was watching Mad Men and those are ads. Can’t you see DOn Draper? And Joan? Dammit!!! Oh fucking forget it. I could NOT believe that it had actually happened. What. Are. The. Chances.

So I spent a week house sitting in Clayton a week ago. I know I know. I was done with the house sitting stuff but said yes to some friends that absolutely could not find anyone. Plus it was the week of our 5th wedding anniversary and I thought it might be fun to pretend to be able to afford a vacation…in Clayton. Too bad Hennie ended up not being there most of the time due to his work schedule (fail!) but he was there on our actual anniversary so huzzah! Clayton! I told Hennie for our anniversary week I would go get the oil changed on the car, something he had been asking me to do in Carleton Place for months and months. I told him I even did it like an old school viking or a pioneer. I had no internet or cell reception so I had used a phone book and a landline to call. Yay me! I had no idea how often I would google stupid things until I was in a house with no interweb. During my stay in Clayton I decided to have a fun day trip to Perth to look for the perfect anniversary gift as well as check out the Perth Brewery. The first shop I went to in Perth had the most perfect gift for Hennie. I got him a beach towel that was a kilt. Because nothing says 5 years of love and devotion like a Scottish beach towel, am I right? No seriously, we met in Scotland and he inexplicably wore a kilt at our wedding, so I thought the beach towel was fucking amazing. Then I went to the Perth Brewery! What an exciting place! A very good looking guy was almost as excited as I was to be standing in a brewery, with a list of different types of beer that were all gluten free! I think I cried a little after the third sample. I started naming off all the terrible gluten free beer I had had over the years and I felt like all the worlds problems were no longer relevant as I found a tasty gluten free beer. He even gave me a free beer for our anniversary celebration! And after having a couple samples I was able to just walk behind the brewery to the gluten free bakery and eat a sandwich! A fucking sandwich!!! These things were all foreign to me! Beer and a sandwich?! I realized that between Foodsmiths, the Perth Brewery and the Purest Bakery, Perth was turning into the Mecca for sad bowels! The holy grail for lazy intestined people! A very exciting day indeed!