Hennie passed is his Citizenship test!! With absolutely no help from me. One night his friend was over and a few of us were in the living room drinking beer. We decided now was a great time to start quizzing Hennie on his knowledge. What’s the capital of Saskatchewan? It’s Saskatoon I yelled. My roommate tells us it’s Regina. What’s the capital of BC? Vancouver I yelled! His friend says Victoria. Capital of Alberta? Someone yells Calgary. Turns out it’s Edmonton. Who is our Governor General? His friend says, it’s a woman and I say, please tell me you are not talking about Adrienne Clarkson. He says no the Haitian lady, oh yes Michaelle Jean. Nope not her. No one in the room knew. It’s David Johnston in case you were wondering. So we decided we were in no way qualified to help Hennie study for his test, that night or ever. Even last week, Hennie would ask me, as I walked past his studying nook, Do you know who Laura Secord is? Dr. Penfield? Bombardier? I, with confidence, would impart my Canadian knowledge graciously…Laura Secord=ice cream, chocolate, take me to Fitzgibbons, she had some info or something. Dr. Penfield? I smell burnt toast!! Something, something brain something. Bombarder, snowmobiles – is that really on the test? Despite my failure as a Canadian citizen, my husband aced his test.

We went to see Gone Girl. And honestly, how does that movie become marketed as a date movie?! It’s stressful. I had read the book and knew what was coming but apparently no one else did. I will NEVER go see a psychological thriller, if you can even call it that, in a theatre ever again. I was surrounded by people that weren’t sure what was going on in the movie and needed to talk it out with their neighbours. In a theatre! I kept passive aggressively turning around at the ladies behind me who had to have a meeting every time the movie took a turn. The old couple beside me probably couldn’t hear anything and therefore kept asking each other if possibly the other person had heard the line. And the lady a few rows up from me got bored somewhere in the middle, takes out her phone and starts texting everyone she knows that she is watching a movie. Good God. At the end of the movie I grabbed my purse, stood up and said rather loudly that I couldn’t believe all the fucktards in that theatre that had to discuss the movie out loud. Had no one read the book?? Does no one read anymore?? It was a bestseller for like ever!! And if you are so stressed by movies like this, you should have never come! No one needs the loud comments by the Housewives of Nepean sitting behind me “This is intense!” “Do you think he knew that this was happening” or “This is crazy, I can’t believe this.” How about, shut the fuck up this is a movie and you are killing the theatre buzz for me. I guess I’m the opposite of my Dad in this way. He yells out whatever he feels like during a movie, whenever he feels like it. Possibly, having gone to many movies with him, I have now turned into a silence nazi because of it.

Karaoke! So much fun. First time, I believe, I have ever done karaoke. Can you believe it? We walked into the upstairs of a dodgy Korean Bar where there were many numbered doors, leading to private karaoke rooms. As soon as I saw all the numbered rooms I told Rob that I felt like this bar had definitely been a sex club at some point. He agreed. We shuffled into the numbered door reserved for us and made ourselves comfortable. What a difference it made to have everyone comfortably sitting and facing the screen with the words on it while you sang. Everyone sang every song. Or yelled it depending on how awesome it was. We picked a lot of amazing songs and some shitty ones. Here are some of my favourite songs that did not translate well into a karaoke atmosphere. Born Slippy by Underworld. One of my favourite songs of all time. Rachelle and I were massively excited to see it on the list of mainly Korean and other obscure English songs. So we chose it. Any of you that know this song will think, we should have known better. But we tried it anyways. It was terrible. It’s mainly just one guy saying as many words as monotonously as possible as fast as he could in a row. We were quickly kicked off. Songs that were a hit were anything by Oasis, Queen, Spice Girls, I can’t remember any other songs but we were there for hours and I was drinking steadily. Another favourite song of mine that was fucking terrible in karaoke was Sound of Music. Nothing says Buzz Kill like operatic Julie Andrews attempts in the middle of a swinging party. We tried, we failed, they skipped the song and moved along. We also ran into someone from Almonte in the same karaoke bar which was hilarious. I have very little memory of how amazing the rest of the night was until we sat down at 3 am in a diner and ate a poutine. The Canadian way to end any evening of drinking and celebrating. Happy 30th Rob!!! xo

Someone the recently told me that I was funny and I should have a comedy blog!! What a weirdly accurate thing to say! I winked and gave them this web address;)

My Mom the other day was showing me these really nice leggings she got at Costco. I told her I never buy clothes there because I have to try everything on because I have no idea what my size is. So when I was over at her house today I asked her if maybe I could try the pair on that she got so I could at least get an idea of what size I am. Unless of course she was wearing them, then never mind. She told me she would go get them. She looked and looked and looked and I told her it was not important and to forget it. Don’t worry about it. She kept looking but I insisted she would find them. When we got home my phone was ringing. I answered it. My Mom says, funny story, I was wearing those damned pants from Costco the whole time.

My roommate and I decided today was the day. It was the day we decided to do something about our lawn or how I’m sure others refer to it, the neighborhood eyesore. During the summer we managed to keep up with the grass cutting but since the decline of the temperature and no one else volunteering for the job, it became a wasteland. We decided to take matters into our own hands. My friend, who had actually grew up in the country, had never used a lawn mower and was too scared to try it. I, on the other hand, grew up seriously back woods so I had no issue starting it and rocking it around. Cars were starting to slow down as they were rounding the bend in front of our house. I started to wonder what we must look like to the people who live across the street, with their perfectly manicured lawn and gardens. Our lawn had not been cut in over a month and a weed that looked like small trees had infested itself almost everywhere. We were literally living in a weeded forest in the middle of suburbia. It wasn’t just that our lawn looked like though, I realized people might have been looking at us too. Two girls doing yard work from the house that seems like a potential middle aged frat house with cats and a shed, full to the brim, with beer empties. But on top of that, I was cold so I had put on a skull/biker sweater hoodie, with a toque and couldn’t find mittens so I had put bright blue thermal socks on my hands. My roommate was wearing a leather jacket and leopard print pants. At point we took a break from yard work to try and put up a Sons of Anarchy flag but the wind got the better of us. We gave the neighborhood a good show I think. We even did a running high five when I actually figured out how to start the lawn mower, but that involved me letting go of the handle which turned it off immediately but whatever. We give the neighbours something to talk about…

Nothing is more hilarious then nervously going to a Nurse Practioner for a full lady physical only to find out there is a student there doing their placement and will be there for the whole exam! I congratulated her on getting to learn on my lady parts. I wish it had been twice the fun but there were some pretty hilarious hiccups I will not go into detail about but boy, is it a funny story…

Honestly, I’m not sure how it happened. I was sitting at home in my living room playing on my phone when some lads from Arnprior came to pick up my roommate Rachelle to watch my other roommate in a fighting competition in Gatineau. We were chatting and making small talk as they waited and then all of a sudden as they were leaving we put together that there was an extra ticket. I finished my drink, put on eyeliner and bolted into the car full of people I had just met and went to the fight! What a crazy riot. I haven’t been out of the Valley that long but it’s hilarious how you slip back into the accent being surrounded by people who say “perk the cer, fer sure. Giver!” I also forget how serious a sport drinking is for Valley boys. Trying to keep up with Arnprior lads who had a trunk full of coolers full of beer was a mistake on my part. After shot gunning (more chugging then shot gunning) a couple beers before the fight started I had to explain to them that I was too bloated to partake in the next drink. Nothing says party Debbie Downer like me complaining about bloated belly and munching on antacids for my heartburn. After some ridiculing (and belching) I decided to have another beer. Spontaneously throughout the night we would go back to the car to crack a few more. I tried my best to keep up I really did. The night was so much fun. We watched a whole lot of fighting, we screamed a lot of profanities, they made a million crude jokes that I eye rolled at, I threatened to fight one of them multiple times and I because I could not remember their names I gave them names. So while we watched my roommate fight I sat with my other roomie Rachelle, Ben Affleck, Matt Damon and “that guy” at the end. I also kept referencing Fubar because I felt, for most of the evening, that I was a character in that movie. I felt like Terry and Deaner could have absolutely have been from the ‘Prior. At one point, “that guy” tried to use the pick up line “Do you want to touch my mullet,” as he twirled the part of his hair cut that was the party at the back. (Mullet-business in the front, party in the back). He was dead serious and I laughed so hard. When we got back to the car, Ben Affleck was asleep in the car with the car alarm going off. Fun times were had by all.