Movie Review! Spoilers! (as if you hadn’t read the book)

Fifty Shades – A Tale of no Dick

Surrounded by my favourite ladies, some cheap chocolate and a water bottle sippy cup full of wine, I went to see Fifty Shades of Grey. I knew as soon as it started my heart would break knowing that it could have been Charlie Hunnam as Christian Grey. So when Jamie Dornan appeared I threw away my inner monologue the way my Dad does in all movies ever and in a tortured yelp cried oh god, it should have been Charlie! My ladies agreed, nods of approval came from those not suffering the same movie tourettes I have genetically inherited. And then the beautiful, but not quite Charlie, Jamie Dornan spoke. Why oh why had they made him do an American accent when he, so obviously, hails from the Irish Isle. It was so distracting, you are trying to focus on the forced, weird sexual tension but all you hear is Guiness…I mean you get over it because he is still gorgeous but they should have just let him be free and change Mr. Grey to the sexiest, dominant whip wielding leprechaun alive. It threw me for a loop, but nothing more so than the lack of male genitalia. I would say Fifty Shades, the book, had a primarily, if not entirely, vagina audience. So I assumed the movie would be a little bit more inclined to give the ladies what they came for. But it seemed Hollywood censored. Even the whips and chains felt a bit back room Disney. I guess I expected more than nipples and full grown bush (although that was a bit of a surprise). I thought, we are all adults here in this theatre (especially the single middle aged men sitting in the back, probably with no pants on) let’s see some genitalia as so described in the book. But alas, no such luck. I think my favourite part was reading an article the next day about a cinema in Glasgow finding soiled cucumbers in the seats after showing Fifty Shades. Or the woman that became so aroused in the theatre she crapped her pants and vomited at the same time (thank you Vice)?! It was no that crazy y’all! As soon as the credits ran I yelled, in my strongest Irish accent, that I couldn’t feckin’ believe there was no dick! No penis shot at all. Bottom line – it was actually better then I thought it would be, which isn’t saying a ton.

Montreal

We had a Montreal getaway! And nothing says romantic/work getaway then pulling up to your hotel only to realize the first floor is a sex shop. God bless you Montreal. Our hotel was nice. The toilet had it’s own room away from the shower and sink, so that was fucking weird but besides that it was great. Since New Years we have been pretending to eat vegan, minus all pizza break downs and me sneaking chocolate, pretty much daily. So we scouted out an awesome vegan restaurant to go to. I hate saying anything about veganism because the connotation that goes with it is so negative. Everyone knows a vegan they can’t stand just because they are a preachy herbivore. But the mix in this restaurant was fantastic. The lady that sat next to us looked homeless and was reading a philosophy book, ugh and the guy from the couple that sat on the other side of us wore a sweater that said I’d rather be hunting!! Amazing! We felt nourished and light and so full when we left, like our bodies were full of warm light and beans, so we did what all healthy people do, we then got trashed. We went to a few pubs then realized there were depanneurs everywhere so we might as well drink beers in our adorable, seedy hotel. And when we ran out of all our beers at 10:57 we raced down to the depanneur and secured enough beer to most definitely give us a hangover the next day. The next day we woke up early to get to the Canadian Health Food Show. I was, of course, hungover. I also realized I had not packed a brush and lost one of my earrings the night before, therefore would also look homeless for the remainder of the day. It was a fun day regardless, most of the reps at the show were terribly hungover too which made me feel I was definitely in the right industry, healthy by day, drunk by night! We could not leave the city without going back to the vegan restaurant and feeling pretend healthy, once again – high on on life, brown rice, veg and tempeh.

Bono Torture

I decided to put some new songs on my iphone. I never do this because it all seems complicated to me but once in awhile my mood changes drastically and I need different music to listen to. So I downloaded or uploaded or whatever all my new shit. And do you know what fucking happened? While looking at my purchased songs, a fucking U2 album appeared on my list! I freaked out, dropped my phone on the ground and then told Hennie I was going to flush it down the toilet. It was contaminated. It had been touched with Bono cancer and would now need to be destroyed. How had U2 infiltrated my phone? Did they know how much of a hater I was that they were trying to force themselves on me? Gawd. I still look at my phone like it is part enemy because I don’t even know how to get it off! I feel totally Bono violated.

House

So Hennie has gone home to be with his Mom who is sick in the hospital. Thus leaving me alone in a house I had arranged to look after, for the month. It was going to be a couple honeymoon but instead it is just me. And the house is the same house that I stayed at through most of Univeristy so I have hilarious memories of it. I messaged my friend saying I was here and didn’t he remember hanging out here drinking beers, eating a ton of Ben and Jerry’s while studying Chinese Politics? Ah Uni. I recall sitting in the living room all bundled up, watching tv and then a friend calling saying they were going out to the Whiskey Lounge that night and that I needed to join them and within 15 minutes I was out the door not to return for a day or two. So now it feels hilarious coming here with my supplements, ear plugs, books and warm sweaters while working every day at a job not even remotely related to my degree. Ah life.

Sushi

Dad, Ben and I went out for all you can eat sushi tonight. Our original sushi plan was foiled by a 30 minute wait so we went across the street to another smaller, more dodgy sushi place. As we walked in it became very clear everyone sitting in the centre of the restaurant knew each other and they were all very odd. What we decided was that it was either an impromptu trekkie parade, special bronies brigade or just an inbred science experiment that results from the family tree not branching out. We over ate, people watched and laughed until we choked on oddly oversized yam sushi rolls. I dared Ben to order this, mainly because of the name among other things…