So because I have technically been separated since early spring and after hitting rock bottom this summer, I decided the best thing to do was to distract myself completely by going on some dates. Because what can possibly go wrong by meeting random strangers you have found online…

I know what you are all thinking…too soon! And yep, probably right! Some hilarious events have occurred because of this mild oversight…

Firstly, and for those who know me, are aware I am not a public crier normally. I tend to have my shit together. Not anymore. I now have these out of control tear ducts that can spontaneously combust at any given point. Which makes a great first impression on strangers. Nothing says this fine young lady has her shit together like a casual first date cry! Lucky for me, most people have found it endearing or like they were special because I was opening up to the them. Which is sweet because that is simply not true. I cried at Chapters while buying a journal and told the sales associate, while I was on the phone with my doctor, that I was on a mental health call. Like I would basically cry on the shoulder of a homeless stranger so it’s hilarious guys think they are special because you are endearingly opening up to them. And man, if someone cried with me on a first date I would think they were an emotionally unstable nutcase and never return their text messages ever again. So anyways, that has made these dates an epic comedy in themselves.

Secondly, I don’t really realize how ridiculous and inappropriate I am until you can see a stranger trying to measure you up with their eyes and they are nothing but baffled. And it seems my normal talk is shocking for some people. I try to explain by saying I may have undiagnosed tourettes and definitely a problem with uncontrollable inappropriate hand gestures. I would love to hear the inner monologue of these people as I blabber away about stupid things, cry a bit, order another beer and then laugh. Ha ha! My favourite date thus far, because of the comedic value of it, has been with someone who was basically an arms dealer. It started off as international business development, then moved to the promotion of Canadian manufacturing. Then he named some places where he had lived and travelled to for work. And I am not a dumb dumb. So I asked what companies he promoted specifically. He named a few that could have been harmless but then said Lockheed Martin. My eyes widened as I yelled YOU ARE LORD OF WAR AREN’T YOU?! (And for those of you haven’t seen this movie, you must and obviously it is about an arms dealer). He laughed and said that is what most people called him. Ahhh! I couldn’t stop laughing about it in a maniacal, I think I am on a date with satan, kind of way. But he was actually very fun. We texted on and off for the next few days following the date but after about my third missile selling baby killer joke, he never wrote back. Which was disappointing because I wanted a second date just to say that I dated an arms dealer for 100% comedic purposes.

I was at a friend’s place the other night and we were picking a Songza playlist. I always find picking playlists stressful because Songza truly has a life of it’s own and you never know what it will offer. Explained perfectly when our host chose the playlist “90’s bachelor pad” and the first song that come on was Madonna. We looked around wondering which bachelor in the nineties hung out by themselves listening to Madonna. Then the next song came on which was Paula Adbul, whom I kind of love, but no big deal. Then we realized this was just not a 90’s Bachelor Pad playlist, it just couldn’t be. It was definitely a gay 90’s bachelor pad playlist. Mariah Carey confirmed it right after.

My roommate, Rachelle and I went out to mod night again. Because on a long weekend that place is fun packed. We danced our faces off, I drank cider like juice, we played spot the man bun (so many!) and then we decided to walk to Elgin street for dirty poutine. On the way we came across a guy passed out in the grass. As Rachelle went into Nurse mode checking his pulse and poking him, I grabbed his phone, lied down next to him and started taking selfies. (Obviously after Rachelle confirmed he wasn’t dead). Rachelle continued to try and wake him up as I took more photos of him to enjoy at a later time. When he woke up I was lying beside him in hysterics. I said morning lil’ pip. You ok little honey? I ruffled his hair and Rachelle patted his back and we both said, new student, bless and then left. It was hilarious. This morning when Rachelle drove me back to get my car it smelled like pee on the inside and there were tiny paw prints all over it…wtf?

I think I was propositioned while biking to the library today to return a book. A guy with an 80’s Will Smith fro biked past and I think asked if I wanted to hook up. Or maybe he asked if I had a hookah? Or maybe he was asking if I needed a hook up, like for drugs? I guess, while biking and sweating out buckets of alcohol, I looked like I could use some drugs? I don’t know but it was random. Last week on the bike path I passed a guy on way back from biking to the civic to visit a new baby. I was going up a hill so I got off my seat and really pumped to make it and he yelled you go girl! I nearly fell over laughing.

I’ve made this amazing discovery that packages of organic mango slices do not scan at Loblaws. Therefore if you get an adult at the cash they ask you how much you want to pay for them and I casually say $4.99 knowing full well they are a $10 product, but if you get a student? That’s when you really score. Because they don’t give a shit. Doesn’t scan? They just throw it in your bag and I leave the store yelling start the car because I just got a free package of dried, organic mango slices for like the 4th time that week…