I was on another date the other night (this is now what I do for kicks now kids). We ended up at the Carleton Tavern which I had only discovered the week before. It is a dive bar in every classic sense of the phrase. You can go there and with a beer, get a free turkey dinner. It is dodgy adorable and the greatest place to people watch ever. After we got our beer we heard this extremely loud group in the corner. I, of course, cannot be in a conversation if there is something interesting going on in the room because I have the attention span of a squirrel. So when I turned around, I saw a bunch of plastic penises on a table and a few bed pans. They started singing a song that I recognized but the words had been slightly altered “roll back, roll back, oh roll back my foreskin for me, for me…” I asked the server what the fuck kind of group this was. A group that was singing dirty songs, loudly in a dive bar, with choreographed hand actions to match. She said it was a running group. I asked if it was a swingers running group. She said she didn’t know but they were shitty tippers. I sat there trying to be present on this date but then another song would start and plastic dildos would be waving in the air “well it’s 1, 2, covered in goo at the old ball game..” I looked at my date and said I was very sorry that I could not even remotely concentrate with this kind of magic happening. Then when it started to die down they gave the remote to a yokel in the corner. He changed the tv from football (which I can totally ignore) to wilderness fights (which I totally cannot). So after totally ignoring my date for dildos and dirty sing-songs I was now unable to look at him because there were puffins fighting on the television. PUFFINS FIGHTING!!! How can one not look at it! Anyhoo, I apologized and got a second date so I obvs didn’t come off as a total fucking moron.
I was walking back from the store last night, fairly late, when a car pulls up in front of me and drops a guy off. He starts walking to the student housing across the street and lets out a maniacal, evil laugh. Then he says, out loud, “just two more” and then evil laughs two more times. It was the weirdest thing ever. Our neighborhood is awesome. I am going to practice my evil laugh around this neighborhood, late at night too.
It’s Christmas eve!! No it’s not, but it is on my advent calendar!! Weeee #chocolateaddiction (I don’t know what a hash tag is but I like using it.) I almost went and bought another calendar but instead had a mini intervention with myself and put it back.
I had a guy message me on Plenty of Fish (dating site) asking if Poli Sci was a type of psychology. Ha ha ha!!! These are the winners you find with online dating. Other priceless messages include…”nice melons!!” “I have a big penis,” ”You are hot as hell!!!!” “You seem like a bit of a pig” (I think that’s what it said, it was in French), “You should smile more” (you should fuck off more), “Ever date a hung firefighter?” (yes actually, many) and my personal favourite, “Hey babe, wanna come piss on me?” Where the fuck has chivalry gone? What has happened to intelligent conversation, laughs, what one might even call courting. What I want to know is if these approaches have actually worked on the ladies and if they have, we need an intervention here. RAISE YOUR STANDARDS LADIES! There are lot’s of great sized penises out there that have cool people attached to them. Don’t go for the firefighter that advertises it?! When that message comes to me I think, if you can’t even attempt to intrigue me with conversation you are a bloody dummy…with a big penis. I almost feel like I could teach a course at Algonquin called Online Dating 101. Where we go over how to refer to something in their profile when you first send a message. Seem interested. Strike up a conversation. Keep it light. Try not to talk about your penis, I know this is a tough one. Get to know each other. Maybe ask to text. Talk a bit more. Feel like there is a connection, go out for a drink. This is basic kids. Basic. I’m disappointed at those that make no effort and just throw out a 100 general message and hope that one sticks. Raise your game. Ok that’s all…rant done.
Well I think I have surpassed putting on my winter 10 and have put on more like 15 lbs. Ahhh! But now is not the time to care. Not a week before Christmas?! Like now is the time to eat chocolate for lunch and beer for dinner only to be like every other loser when January hits and start some insane health binge that will only last a month. That’s my plan anyways. I had a bag of chips for dinner last week. Like when does that ever happen. THE (2) WEEK(s) BEFORE CHRISTMAS EATING AMNESTY! When baking and eating all of it feels right. When chocolate for stockings never, ever makes it to the stocking. When expired gluten free biscotti at works gets stolen and ends up in my desk drawer. When going to the LCBO and deciding a regular bottle of wine just won’t do, you are upgrading to the 1.5 litres. And then biking back with it in your backpack while you have a bad back is worth the sacrifice. When rewarding yourself after the gym with a chocolate bar twice the amount of calories you burned feels like balance. Don’t worry body, January is just around the corner. When clothes will fit comfortable again and getting dressed in the morning won’t take an hour because I look fat in everything. So hold tight little beer gut, you will be gone soon;)
Online dating…not for the faint at heart…this guy is nailing it jk
gracenic8 - Vulgar Sincerity 