I went to see the new Bond movie on a date. Nothing says fun times like hot Daniel Craig looking suave while killing and banging everything that moves. But unfortunately the best part of the movie was the pre-game. There is this weird interactive quiz that you can participate in by texting the answers. I couldn’t be bothered because I was too busy throwing popcorn at my face hoping at least a few would hit my mouth. Then after the quiz they announced the winners names or what they registered as. So as regular names popped up from ten it seemed totally benign until the winner came up and flashed in really big letters SHIT RAM. It was so awesome. Clever pips. The whole theatre was in hysterics. God bless those cheeky kids. For a brief moment I was no longer worried about the future. The kids were going to be alright. Then after the thousand hours of adds came the intro to the Bond film which was sexy, sultry and a bit slutty with an amazing song. At the end of the song I looked over at my date and said, I feel like we have seen the best part of the movie. And he agreed and asked if we should leave. Ha! (we didn’t) We broke up the next day. The end. Fuck you amazing and messed up boys 😉

I was really nauseous at work the next day (probably from the large popcorn) but instead told my Boss that Band was so hot he had impregnated me. She told me I was outrageous…correct.

I was giving a wonderful account of how hilarious and wild my weekend had been to co-workers until one of them, the most honest and genuine out of the bunch looked at me and said “you are a little touch of the fucked…but in a good way.” I am hoping to get this tattooed on me at some point. Ha! Just kidding…maybe…

I got an epic pinch in my neck yesterday. Probably due to what I like to refer to as my “confused spine” which goes the wrong way when it obviously was meant to go only one damned way. My roommate gave me something very special to take to make me not look like Mr. Burns at work. It was pretty fun. I lost depth perception, knocking over signs and product and then when someone asked about what to take for hangovers I started referring to hangovers as hashbrowns because I saw a bag of them in someone’s cart who is walking by. Good times.

The next day I felt fine and then the day after…my NECK WAS BROKEN. Man I am an old lady. I dragged myself into work in pain and decided after many people commenting on my robot awesome moves that I needed professional help. I called a chiropractor because my massage lady was booked. I have not been to a chiro in one thousand years but it was an emergency. Man has chiropractoring changed a lot?! The table stood up to meet me and then moved to lull me into lying down position. I told the chiro this was the most fun I’ve had in forever. It was like a roller coaster! Who needs roller coaters when you have this massage table robot! She asked me tons of questions about my health and I told her normally my back was fine because I attend the gym regularly but I had ben slacking the last month because it was getting cold and I was working on putting on my hibernation 10. She laughed. Then she told me how crazy swollen my neck was and asked if I had a cold pack at home. I told her I just had the hard kind that I use in my cooler to keep my beers cold. She got me a a nice soft one from a random door that apparently contained a room with a freezer. Weee free ice bag after a $150 appointment. God bless you benefits.

I needed some relief so I decided a vintage percocet was the way to go. My roommate knows full well I can’t handle meds. I literally become a helmet. After about half an hour I decided to knew all the words to a Drake song and sang it…while grinding the door. I then did interpretive dance to the new Bond song which she told me to never do again. Then I yelled at my phone for 10 minutes becauseI couldn’t watch a video where apparently Gwen Stefani cries while singing…she does not…it was a ploy and made me angry. I also went onto my online dating site and decided to reply to everyone despite how obviously mismatched they were to me. You are a gamer and into hip hop? Fuck ya! I think I know one Drake song, is that even Hip Hop? You are 23 and a landscaping catholic? This is going to totally work between us! I’m a jerk. I knew I really couldn’t handle my meds when I decided we should make hummus popsicles and as I talked about it, I was taken out by a wall. I popped a Pizza in the oven then walked away, came back into the kitchen and wondered what I should have for dinner. I started making pasta when I realized I had a pizza in the oven weeeee.

I do not know how kids do it?! I was convinced by a lovely, ancient Shoppers worker, who saw my eye balling the half price Lindt advent calendars. She said they are half price and then winked at me and told me I was worth it. Fuck she had me. I am fucking worth it. This is a great sales technique. Not one I use, I am more of the arm toucher or friendly swearer to show that we are friends and I wouldn’t bullshit them. But with men, nothing sells shaving cream or vitamin D then a nonchalant light touch on the arm. I shit you not. I am evil. But anyways, I do not know how kids handle themselves around these calendars! I’m already done the first week and it’s Dec. 3rd!! I will totally have this done before the last day of Hannukah. Oy vey.

So I think that online dating has taught me that I have a knack for making connections with the unavailable guys…whether they are going through a weird life breakdown, slippery divorces, are sociopaths, cereal daters, ghosters or are from out of town…I will find them and like them. Wow has online dating enriched my life;)