I find the giant digital signs on the highway a bit curious. They are the most amazing “stating the obvious” signs I have ever seen. I drove home the other day and it was extremely foggy. Fog everywhere, so traffic was understandably slow. And through the fog, a beam of light from this traffic sign saying, slow traffic, fog. And you are like, fucking thanks tips. Wasn’t sure about that!? One night I drove home, it had been snowing mixed with ice for hours but I figured, being from the valley, I can comfortably drive through anything (in my tiny, light Yaris with no snow tires). As I fishtailed up a ramp and thought for one second I may not make it up, that perhaps a car would come up behind me a give me a little boost. It was a skating rink so I was just taking it slow. As I merged onto the Queensway, the bright lighted traffic sign warned me of ice, snow and possible slick conditions. I thought, if I’m that fucking stupid that I haven’t figured that out by now and I need a fucking sign to tell me this, I should not be allowed to operate a motor vehicle. I should just wear mittens in a padded room for the rest of my life. Why on earth do we need a giant sign warning us of the absolute obvious. I wonder who thought this was necessary. Let’s get a giant sign that warns the masses of drivers stuck in traffic that it’s raining! Because they are total morons and can’t see the drops on their windshield?! Yikes. That it all. Yikes.

On Christmas eve we, once again, continued the family ritual of going to church. Not one year has gone by that we have not made some sort of spectacle of ourselves during this service. Mainly because I drink a lot before going, just to get through it, and also because once someone in my family starts laughing, everyone does and it’s uncontrollable. But this year we had the added variable of my 97 year old Grandmother. She has always been there but lately she has become slightly more outspoken in her old age. There was a new minister this year that packed an uncomfortable amount of hymns into one service.

And on a side note, who creates the melody for these hymns, they are so awful and do not flow. They would never make it in the real world of music. That’s why the church is losing the younger generations. Get some catchy tunes, maybe get T Swift to nail out a Jesus break up ballad and all the membership problems will be solved.

Anyways, for every hymn you are expected to stand up. After the third time my Grandmother states, rather loudly, “NOT AGAIN!?” Thanks Grandma for stating what we are all thinking. Then two more hymns/carols down the line and we were asked to stand again and she yells out, in an annoyed voice, “JESUS!” We just about died laughing. A guy, whom I used to babysit, got up to read a passage. He has grown into quite a good looking young man. My Grandmother thought so as well and loudly commented on his nice hair, it looked so slick she said. Another woman got up to read a passage then awhile later got up to read another. My Grandma was shocked and stated “Is she up there again!?” with no concern of the volume of her voice. Then finally, at the end of the service when I congratulate myself for making it through another service without making the holy water boil and or just spontaneously bursting into flames, they hand out candles in little drinking glasses. I try to avoid this because I can’t handle myself with an open flame usually after having that many drinks. Someone handed my Grandma one. We started to get our things together to leave when Grandma yelled that she had almost tried to drink her candle. Thanks Grandma for being a one person comedy show. Your filter is fucked and I kind of like it.

Happy New Year!! We left plans of New Years until the last minute this year. I had a bottle of gin, we had a cheese tray and a hundred bags of chips so we figured we would just stay in. But last minute we realized that may be lame and decided to find a place we could go to that we wouldn’t have to pay a $200 cover. Bingo! Singles event happening in the market! No cover! Sounds pretty perfect. Anyways after drinking for a few hours we decided to head down there. When we walked in, the venue was packed. After a quick walk around we could smell the desperation and sadness of singletons being alone on New Years Eve. We decided it would be fun and great people watching, so we ordered drinks and stayed. I started chatting with a very good looking guy, because I was feeling ballzy and he had a table that I wanted to leave my drink at and on occasion sit down at. After a few minutes conversation, to which he was struggling at, I told him to take a second and form a succinct sentence and then get back to me when he was ready. He told me he hated me. Ha ha. I went outside and these two smoking hot girls asked me if I was with that hot guy I was just chatting too. I said oh no no, he’s hot, but a dummy. I don’t know if it was the booze, or the fact that sometimes I think hot people think they are amazing and need to be taken down a notch, but I went in and asked him to buy me a drink. I could tell he wasn’t interested in me at this point (because I was being a dick) nor was I in him. When we went to the bar, I told him these beautiful women outside were interested in him but don’t worry, I told them you were a dumb dumb. As soon as it came out of my mouth I was like, wtf is wrong with me. Just because this guy looks like he could be in a teen movie does not mean I need to crush his spirit?! Or does it.

Anyways, I was on a bit of a power trip high when I recognized a guy who had messaged me on Plenty of Fish. I went over to say hi and he said I was just as gorgeous and looked just like my pics online. He said we should go home together because he really liked me. I stopped and looked right at him and said, you don’t know shit about me. He said I know that I’m sexually attracted to you. I said ok, but that doesn’t mean shit. Then the super hot guy brought me my drink and the guy looked down and told me he couldn’t compete with that guy’s looks. Blah blah blah. I’m not going to build up your confidence with a pep talk on new years eve in a bar, hammered. Anyhoo, the hot guy left with an unattractive cougar, we left with no one but we had fun and I threw up a little. Weeee New Years!!