Hey, remember when I was all excited to be an adult and get the hydro bill. Well I got a hydro bill and I am no longer excited. It went from excitement to depression rather quickly after opening it. So fuck you hydro. I am renouncing my adult excitement over paying you.

We spent the first month in this beautiful Glebe apartment waiting for something to go wrong. Trying to find issues that could be future problems. I realized I have seen The Money Pit so many times in my life I always have that minor worry that the floor will give way and I will be sucked into the carpet (in a charming and cute Tom Hanks way, not a heroine induced Trainspotting way). Perhaps I will run up the stairs one day and they will just crumble underneath my feet. I re-watched Money Pit just to make a list of all the horrible things that could go wrong but luckily enough this place isn’t big enough to have that many horrific atrocities. The one thing that did almost ruin my life about living here was when I was taking my laundry to the laundry dungeon and I saw a demon bug run in front of me and then enter a crack in the wall. Right there in front of me, one of Satan’s most terrifying creatures. I think they are called silver fish. It may also be a type of millipede. I hate googling them because the pics freak me the fuck out. But they have a thousand feathery legs that allow them to move extremely fast with Luciferian confidence and sinister purpose. I then pictured a million of them crawling in the walls and thought I may have to move out and burn down the building immediately after. This one experience I had has given me recurring anxiety every time I need to do laundry. But the worst I did not experience myself.

I noticed, a little while after moving in, that the man had stopped bathing and had switched exclusively to showers. This was odd as when I met him he was strictly a bath guy. His tub at his old apartment did not even have shower curtains so that one could actually use it for that purpose. I asked him why the switch and he admitted, he hadn’t wanted to tell me, but when he had had his last bath, a demonic bug had been in the tub with him. NO! No fucking way. I was so excited to move into a place with a tub and then that luxury was being so atrociously ripped away from me. I was horrified for him. I consoled him and said everything would be ok. He said the bath was dead to him. I didn’t use the bath for weeks either but then one day I decided to pick a fight a fight with the Devil. Well not really. I put industrial tape on the overflow drain (holes a demon could escape from) sprayed lavender all over the bathroom maniacally, as apparently that is their kryptonite and poked the bathroom fan, above the tub, to make sure they weren’t all congregating there, casually waiting to dive bomb unsuspecting bathers. The first bath, there was no relaxing. I was on high alert that one may just appear and I would scream and splash and exit the tub in extreme ladylike fashion. I never saw one, nor have I ever seen one since. So I should be more relaxed about it now, but I just can’t forget it. I still have visions of grinning, deviant, evil creatures sharing the bath with me. But now at least I am back to bathing occasionally but still with medium relaxation levels. I guess I will survive;)

To continue my journey into adulthood, I made a dentist appointment! I have not seen a dentist in a long, long time. And I am sure you are all thinking, we know, we have seen your teeth. But they are just what I call British teeth, they are scraggly and confused and look terrible but they are healthy. Like Austin Powers but zero decay, cavities, or gingivitis. I am not afraid to go to the dentist but I think I still have negative associations of them from wearing an uncomfortable retainer for years, with little success. And you know, losing it randomly in restaurants all the time when I would take it out to eat. Real sexy like. Dumpster diving for my retainer (my family reading this will remember exactly what restaurant and what city this happened it btw). Anyhoo, I picked a dentist right beside my work because all my coworkers have gone there purely out of convenience. As I walked in I noticed they were affiliated with the Redblacks, 67’s and Fury and I realized that maybe this place might be too fancy for me. When I walked into this ultra modern exam room and saw a huge TV mounted on the wall I wondered why I hadn’t casually inquired about prices before I came. Sure I had benefits but I still have to pay up front. I decided there was nothing I could do but relax until she tilted my exam chair back and I noticed a giant TV screen mounted on the ceiling and I thought, fuck, this is going to be stupid expensive. Well my financial spidey senses were correct. It was. During the initial consult, I told her I had never had a cavity. She told me that my teeth were extremely healthy and in great shape but she could see what remained of a filling I had once had. I gave her a minor half assed speech about my avoidance of fluoride and then insisted and promised, I have never had a cavity. She said she promised not to use the fluoride on me and then told me I absolutely had had a filling at one point. I told her I didn’t want to argue with her but unless I had possibly suffered a massive stroke that wiped out only my dental memories, I had never had a damned cavity. It didn’t really matter but I had my orthodontic pride I needed to retain. When she was actually putting my filling in she dropped the surgical instrument she was using on the ground and everyone ran around looking to sterilize it again and through the rubber chunk holding my jaw open, chocking on saliva and with half my face frozen I yelled 5 SECOND RULE! Everyone laughed. Always a fucking comedian eh?