Well my cat officially developed a liking for our vet’s two fingers. Or perhaps he has developed a taste for bright orange industrial laxatives. Whatever it is, this cat is constipated again and losing his mind. His new hobby is to hide in a cupboard and glare at you as you walk by. He starts meowing uncontrollably starting at 4am and nothing stops this, not even food. He spent this morning running up and down the hall attacking imaginary things in the carpets and when I was taking a bath he punched open the door with his paw just to turn around and sit with his back to me. I have noticed that my extreme lack of patience for interrupted sleep makes me a prime candidate for never having children. Unless children react just as well to a spray bottle? No, no that doesn’t sound right. What I don’t particularly understand is how, after purchasing a cat relaxant diffuser, I somehow stayed up all night working and the cat is getting aggressive with the floor and carpets. Obviously this is opposite day or they accidentally gave us the speed diffuser for getting shit done and getting crazy. That we are succeeding at.

The cat was prescribed over the counter daily laxatives, so I decided to check out a new pharmacy where I believe my friends knew the owner. I walked around, got to talking to him, name dropped my friends, told him if I ever need prescriptions I would happily change to this independent establishment and then casually put the largest bottle of Restora-lax on the counter. I was trying to make it more awkward by asking what the main ingredient was in it because I don’t like to give my cat chemicals (except for the disgusting meat by-product food and bright orange laxatives). He definitely thought it was a cover up so he told me about how it would not permeate into my body just clean out the organ, or something like that. So I responded by saying I will have to get a precise dosage for the cat so that I don’t need to go buy cat diapers. We sort of ended it at that and I realized that name dropping mutual friends is best done while not purchasing a $30 Costco-size tub of shit powder.

I don’t know what it is about my brain but I have no patience and or understanding of technology. I have no aptitude for computers. If I have to troubleshoot something I either call someone or cry because I’m frustrated. When I first got this laptop my friend Rob had to come over to show me how to fucking scroll down. So when I ambitiously asked for wireless headphones for Christmas I started to panic. I put a hold on it because I realized that a) I didn’t know how things worked without wires and b) I would probably not know how to use them. When I hear the word Bluetooth I picture a yellow minion character with an actual tooth that is blue. I have no idea what it is and what it entails. I am so without understanding that I tried to answer a call with my headphones (that I did end up getting) and I accidentally put it on speaker (in a public place) and then chose the one other device on the phone which was a speaker or something my Dad got for Christmas. Then I started panicking that my Dad was having a conversation through his speakers with the person that was trying to call me… right? Is that even possible? It’s all too much.

Someone at work asked if I was going to get an Instant Pot. I told them it sounded like Devil’s work being able to cook something so fast and I would stick to my old fashioned pots and pans, thank you very much. No one puts Satan in my kitchen.

Dry January…was pretty solid for 2 weeks until I worked a day at the store where both elevators broke down, one escalator, a dishwasher and a multitude of other smaller things that could go wrong did, and I knew this would be the day that Dry January died.

I cancelled my gym membership and tried out another one that I soon decided to switch too. I just realized it’s been over 2 months since I said I would join and I have still not made that one important step of actually joining…it’s going to happen. I feel it. I think about it often and sense I am almost ready to commit. I have wireless headphones for fuck’s sakes, I practically have to go the gym!

I went to take back my DVDs late at night after work this week. There was a younger couple smoking right where the DVD return slot was. Instead of just quietly sneaking around them, I decided to announce that I needed to return my DVDs right behind them, and yes, I am hilariously old school and I rent DVDs. They both laughed and said they didn’t even realize DVD rentals still existed. Amazing. I am happy I can show you the ways of the past. Follow me! Watch how I place this shiny plastic disc into a machine and it plays the pictures! Huzzah!

I was sick all week. It started with nausea, moved into full body, throat, nose and head. It was a roller coaster week. There were glimpses of feeling better throughout the days and then it would spiral into feeling like death. I only took one day off work, because, as I have said before, I have a sense of guilt attached to sick days. My parents were both elementary school teachers. Never could we fake sick. We were not like the other kids who would get the freebie day. Even if we were sick it was highly scrutinized. Usually they would even make us go to school for snow days! Anyways, when I did stay home I felt guilty that I was missing school. It didn’t feel right. But no day is lost while spending a day watching Oprah reruns. And I am sure I just felt better that day solely because I was watching Oprah. God I love her. When do I get a talk show like her? I would fucking nail that shit.

You know when your parents both got iPads and you realized they were never going to talk to each other again? My particular favourite is when they both send e-mails to me, from the same e-mail account, with similar sentiments, probably while they are sitting next to each other not talking. For example, I was having a particularly rough week at work and my Mom sent an e- mail with an inspirational message about feeling appreciated at work and within the same hour my Dad sent an e-mail with his own inspirational quote: “Don’t let the pricks get you down”. Anyways, my current perma-vision of my parents is both sitting in the living room on their iPads, not talking. My significant other and I got home today and he retreated to his computer and put on his new noise cancelling gamer nerd headphones I got him for Christmas, and I put on my new “headless headphones” as we call them in my family, which he got me for Christmas. While he killed demons or maybe went to war with worlds or something something dragons, I was making my dinner and jamming to Motown classics. I started performing my own concert. My audience was my fried tempeh about to be placed on a bed of massaged kale (bought pre-massaged of course). (Don’t worry team – I will feel super good about myself for a while, and then shame-eat a block of cheese in two hours.) I was nailing out Tina but couldn’t hear myself and had to pull an earbud out, and that’s when I realized I was a professional. A la Mariah Carey. Just taking my bud out so I could harmonize with the air. Someone get me some fucking hot tea. JK. Where was I? Oh ya, but the point was, here we were, in practically the same room, both in our own little worlds not talking. Reminds me of Best in Show – we can both talk or not talk for hours. We both like soup.  This is a sure sign we are becoming my parents.

When I was sick I was having a bath and saw something floating in the water. I started to absolutely freak out as it looked like a piece of flesh. I was not just sick, I was dying. Chunks of my flesh were coming off freely in a lightly salted bath. This was it. Goodbye cruel world. I will just sit here and melt away into my tub. I started panicking as I picked up the piece and realized it was a rose petal. Fuck you floral bath bombs. Never again.