To break way from the endless winter blues we decided to go to a cottage in Mt. Tremblant with another couple. Oddly enough with the same couple that came to visit us the last time we rented a cotttaagggeee. We left later than anticipated the Friday evening, as I had to work (ok, I had to write an exam at work that I basically mentally threw up on and then turned it into a dumpster fire). We ended up driving through hills and crazy curves in the dark, in my car, that was about 30 seconds away from committing suicide. On top of this fact, after crying twice over things that seemed extremely minor, I realized I was in defcon PMS mode. Yay! 

The next day we got up to prepare for a day at the spa. Our couple friends were far more organized and headed off earlier than us.

This part was redacted by my significant other.

After crying about how the day was ruined and couldn’t get any worse, Aunt Flow arrived. Gawd. When we arrived at the spa, there was a decent wait to get in. As we lined up and tried to blend in with the fancy, spa crowd, I reached into my bag to get the gift cards we were paying with and as I pulled them out I threw, what seemed like, a week’s supply of tampons onto the floor, in front of everybody. Yes everyone! This gal is bleeeedinggggg.

When we actually entered the spa we were told there is no talking allowed. That is literally like asking me to stop breathing. If I can’t make witty, potentially hilarious comments under my breath, I will develop a comedy tumour. There were even silent police roaming the grounds to shush you should you break the rules! My significant other and I attempted some weird sign language to help make decisions of what spa activity to do. We went into a hot tub, then walked to another hot pool, sat in some gravity chair thing and went to a sauna. While we were in a secret hall I took the moment to allow my words to spill free. “Oh my god, this is so boring. Like, we are in a hot pool with strangers, who cares. And those chairs? Like I can sit in a robe at home and lie in a chair, why would someone pay to do that? Also what the fuck is with the red blankets people are wearing over their white robes. Everyone’s looks like a Handmaid and it’s creepy as fuck! Praise be.” After making sure we got in two hours of pruning and making weird faces at each other we decided to call it a day. 

The rest of the trip was great. Lot’s of food, wine and games. We rocked Head’s Up and Cards Against Humanity for hours. The only thing I recall screaming repeatedly was “Abandoned with a volleyball! Abandoned with a volleyball!” Because in my head, that was the name of the movie everyone was describing to me. Like Castaway was never an option. Just ABANDONED WITH A VOLLEYBALL!

I had an extreme cold last week. One that feels like every facial orifice is seeping ooze. If I were a man, I would have taken the week off. Anyways, I was at work, in a meeting, during the worst day. I had a hundred Kleenex in my hands and was desperately trying not to sneeze all over my colleagues in our small meeting room. Our manager went over some new processes and explained some other admin procedures while I casually hoped my eye watering hadn’t connected with my snot to just be a cess pool of disgust. After the meeting my manager came over and said, “I just wanted to connect with you regarding what we went over in the meeting. You really didn’t look like you were taking the information well.” I was very surprised and wondered what she was talking about. She went on to explain, “You are just so expressive and I could see I needed to connect with you regarding your feelings on the new processes.” I was so confused. What was she talking about? The only think I remember about that meeting was me feeling like an hour long sneeze was coming on. Omg. Was she looking at my face thinking I was judging the information? Was she seeing my angry and frustrated almost sneeze face?! I HAVE A TERRIBLE COLD, I told her. And I was extremely angry at my potential sneezes that did not come into fruition. I was in a long term frustrated pre-sneeze state!! She started laughing hysterically. Omg no. I was not critiquing ANY information I was literally trying not to snot on everyone. Also – side note – I probably don’t care enough about new processes to make facial reactions to them. That part I did not say to my boss.

To follow up my annoying cold, I got an aggressive cough. I managed through it alright until one night it kept me up. I was annoyed so I went to the bathroom cupboard and grabbed an ancient cough syrup that I have no recollection of ever purchasing. Every time I sat up choking, I took a casual swig. By 5am my toes were tapping in the bed. I literally felt like I’d been doing lines of caffeine for hours. When I decided to finally get up for work I felt shockingly amazing for someone who had slept terribly. My body, in general, despises the morning. But not today ladies and gentlemen, not today. I was so pumped for my day I was scared to have coffee. But I had one anyways. I knew something was terribly wrong when I ran the entire 4 blocks to my bus and didn’t pass out and die. I don’t know what the fuck is in cough syrup, but that shit is fucking awesome. The one other time I recall taking cough syrup, in my whole life, was for a job interview. I swigged from the bottle because I was horrified of coughing out my interview answers. By the time the meeting began I had obviously taken too much because during the interview the walls started melting. I can’t believe you can just buy this shit at any pharmacy. I got to work before everybody and was hammering out files when others started coming in. When my cubicle mate came in I was shaking a bit but extremely focused. I ws also yelling about how there is meth or something in cough syrup. This was all roughly around the time my boss came in, just to hear me yell about being on meth. Weee. Keeping it professional! I assured him I had not knowingly taken meth but that I was extremely confident it was in over the counter cough syrup and I was, in fact fucked up on that. 

I did a food safety handling course last weekend. Oddly enough, the weekend after I somehow managed to get some type of food poisoning. Anyways, the course made me make some serious decisions about places I would never eat at again and possibly just never eating out again ever. During the course, they talked about a Marketplace episode where they discussed best before dates or something mildly interesting. But as the video was talking about this Marketplace episode, they showed a group of women, hanging out together with popcorn and wine…watching CBC’s Marketplace. I don’t know how other people’s ladies nights usually go, but mine does DEFINITELY not involve investigative journalism regarding the food industry. Like who were they kidding. Ladiessss bring over some wine and let’s watch MARKETPLACE! Woooo!