I’ve become a little bit obsessed with my local Buy Nothing group. The massive plus side of paying higher than average rent for being in an affluent neighbourhood = the best damn freebies I have ever seen. “Someone please take these new MEC children’s snowsuits off of my hands. Worn once — was not feeling the vibe.” Like what??? That is some expensive shit. So because I have had some major scores from this site, I try to give things away equally. We recently upgraded our duvet and duvet cover and I thought I should give away the old cover. Someone showed interest and I left it on my porch for pickup. The woman sent a message back thanking me for the duvet cover and noted that she found a pair of my underwear in the cover itself. Sweet god above, at least I had washed the duvet before handing it off. Clean underwear or not, kind of fucking awkward. Then she offered to come back and put them in my mailbox. Goddd. I was so embarrassed. It totally reminded me of the time my parents were collecting items in the house to take to a church fundraising garage sale: I was in my twenties and had grown out of some earlier fashions and handed my Dad some clothes and several purses. I was pretty sure I had done my good deed of the day. My parents returned and my Dad came down to the basement and quietly told me that when they dropped off the purses they found some pot, condoms and a broken cigarette in them. Maybe something to check before you give purses away. I wanted to die. Ya know… Kind of like how I gave my Glebe neighbour a pair of my fucking undies.

I have also been a bit obsessed with my Fitbit. During the first week, I was so intensely focused on getting in my steps that if I noticed I wasn’t wearing it, walking was meaningless. One time, I realized I wasn’t wearing it and actually sat on the spot thinking about how to get the watch without wasting invisible steps that would not be recorded. When I realized you could do walking competitions with your Fitbit friends shit got real. For weeks I was involved in a competition with my brother and all of his coworkers. I have never met them but dammit I needed to beat those bloody strangers. After that stopped, my significant other bought one. And those competitions got heated and intense. Occasionally he would say he was going out to get something and then would do a sneaky walk around the block to get ahead. I started walking home from work, which took just under an hour, to make myself impossible to beat. Once during a disagreement I started aggressively walking in spot to make sure my steps topped his. Aggression release, competition and fitness all rolled into one neat little package. 

After shopping recently, these were the things that made me feel old:

1. The first floor of Simon’s. Yes, I thought the clothes were cute and trendy and had signs describing them like “fit and flare style, abstract shirtdress.” I have no idea what that is, but it looks like it might drape over my buxom body nicely. When I tried them on…  they did not. When I gave all of them back to the sales associate, she told me I would do better fitting into clothes upstairs. Which is the adult, beige section. Ok, ok I get it. My body doesn’t fit into your fun clothes section. Noted. (And rude!)
2. I went to many, many stores looking for cotton Capri leggings. Why is this so hard? Why is every Capri some kind of sporty, synthetic garbage that is going to give me next level crotch rot because the material doesn’t breathe? COTTON! Whyyy is this so hard!?
3. I was confused by the bathroom signs. I had to triple check to ensure I was not entering a family or male bathroom. When basic signs confuse me I get a vision of my future as a scared, confused older person is right around the corner. It is happening. 

I guess we are in the middle of a pandemic. When I even remotely got a whiff of this my first trip was to the liquor store. I have my priorities. I always knew if we ever got to the apocalypse I would just grab a book, a bottle (ahem, box) of wine and sit on my porch to watch it all happen. If I can’t control it, I can’t stress about it. And by not stressing about it I mean I will be drunk. 

But in the wake of serious panic about the current crisis, I have been surprised by what I have felt has been necessity. Here is my list:

1. Wine – I grabbed 5 bottles at the beginning when there was just even a hint of this. I have since had 3, maybe 4, bought one more, and have purchased an emergency gin. If I need to be stuck in my apartment for weeks I am ok, but I will also be having a party. I can be pretty fun by myself.
2. Cookies – Once in a blue moon do I feel the need to buy cookies and when the panic was hitting and we were grocery shopping, I just kept grabbing all the gf cookies I have always wanted to try or knew I enjoyed. Like when the virus comes for me, don’t worry, I will fight it with my obesity. 
3. Mac and Cheese – The only time I EVER buy mac and cheese is when I am very hormonal or very depressed. There is never a casual purchase of mac and cheese. I am neither of the above, so I guess I am just craving the ultimate comfort food.
4. Expensive water – Like at no point do I have the idea that we are going to have issues with our water supply. But when I went to Healthy Planet and saw they had Flow water on sale, I bought a case. And then went back for another. And don’t worry, I am drank most of them. They are not being kept for the point where water becomes scarce or unclean. I am so into them right now I am not sure I will be able to go back to peasant filtered tap water. 
5. Chips, cereal and crackers – I guess what I did was think comfort foods for the apocalypse, I mean quarantine. And comfort foods for me are carbs. I am going to fight the pandemic with my chub rolls and I don’t care. 
6. Face cream – Now before you judge me… no, it’s okay, go ahead and judge. This is ridiculous. But in fairness, it also lined up with a sale that had been planned and I had set them aside before shit hit the fan. But I definitely walked to Whole Foods the day of the official quarantine to buy $150 worth of my Hauschka moisturizer (that was the price that included two discounts). I had a reality check when I realized I was in the aisle speaking to another woman about the benefits of different moisturizers when I saw a message from my friend saying Trudeau has said not to leave the house. I read it. And then I looked up to this woman and said, “Do you use an eye cream? Should I be using one?” To be fair, I also went for other essentials — like overpriced coffee. 
7. Coffee – After they announced Bridgeheads were closing I really started to panic. I wished my next destination had not been Whole Foods for the face cream because I only bought one bag of Equator coffee since the prices were so goddamned high. I then went to Shoppers and also bought a bag of Kicking Horse coffee. Even during the pandemic I need decent coffee. Now I was panic hoarding. It was in this vein that before I hit the cash I grabbed 4 packs of Mini Eggs. Just in case. JUST IN CASE.

Good News Items From The Pandemic:

1. We are all going to gain weight together, as a quarantined community. It won’t just be me for a change. Come along everyone! I will show you how!
2. We totally get to keep our library books that we currently have out, for a very long time. I may actually read this one — woot!
3. I FaceTimed my family for a cocktail hour — like when have we ever had a cocktail hour before and now we do it. Amazing. I have also had a FaceTime girl’s night. And no one had to pay for an Uber home — amazing!
4. I am going to get soooo caught up on Podcasts because I am doing so much walking, because what the fuck else is there to do.

The Ups and Downs of Working From Home:

Ups

1. My own bathroom – Oh my god. I cannot tell you how amazing this is. If you have read my last blog, you will understand how seriously magic this is for me. Having my personal bathroom is all I ever really need in life. That and my supply of 3 ply toilet paper. It’s a fucking game changer. I am never going to work again. 
2. Music – Man do I enjoy cranking out the 60s and 70s playlists while I am working. And because I am here by myself it is okay for me to get up and dance and singalong whenever my heart desires. Okay, let’s be honest, I do this at work too but I am less judged here. 
3. Lunch – Instead of being herded to the cafeteria like sheep, the possibilities are endless! One day I went for a walk and another day I did yoga (what!? — Like when was the last time I did yoga ever…turns out it is still boring). And I don’t have to commit to a giant meal, I can dainty snack all day long. Wheee!

Downs

1. Being on camera all day long – I gave myself a headache the first 2 days of working from home because I think I strained my neck from trying not to double chin on the video meetings. I also realized after the first day, which included meetings with my boss and director, that there was a picture over my left shoulder that read “I’m too sober for this shit.” Greeaat.
2. Easily distracted – I was like this in school too. If I had to write an essay, I would find every last thing to clean before I got started. Last week I definitely took a forced break to clean the windows on the door behind me because once I noticed them, I could not focus on anything else. Oh should I wipe down this desk again because I see dust? Yes, yes I should. 
3. No steps – I did not realize that I got most of my steps walking to and from bus stops and wandering around work. So now I have to go for long, daily walks in order to get my steps in.
4. My cat – Tiger, who can be in chair comas for days, has magically come alive since I start working from home. He is so active that he has participated in three of my conference calls to date. I feel like the guy whose children walk in when he is on his live broadcast except my child aggressively nuzzles me, meows, sheds to an extreme level and drools. 

Overheard before the pandemic: “If we get to stay at home and I have all this time on my hands I am going to live my best life! I am going to workout! I am going to write! I am going to finish my online classes! I am going to become famous!” Fast forward to last night where I spent 6 hours on the couch watching Homeland and sipping the cheapest wine, right from the bottle, thinking: “I am going to live my best life! Like right after this episode…”