I am super grateful for gainful employment throughout this quarantine and additionally being able to work from home. Super lucky. So by now,  I have experienced a thousand zoom calls and phone calls with colleagues (and perhaps stakeholders) while in my abode. One afternoon, after my walk, I kept my noise cancelling headphones in because my partner came home. On this occasion Bohemian Rhapsody came on and I really committed to wailing it out. Halfway through the performance I took off one of my headphones so I could get my pitch better and I heard the boy taking a work call. Holy Fuck. I shut up immediately. Jesus. Had I just been the background to an important conference call? I hope so. The noise cancelling headphones also are crazy sensitive and pick up every bloody sound around me when I am using them for phone calls. One time I attempted to participate in a last minute call during my lunch walk. I asked my coworker before the call started how my sound was and she said fine. When we got on the call the person from the company we were speaking to complained about an intense screeching wind sound. It was definitely me walking down the street. I went on mute immediately and only took it off when absolutely necessary to add my two cents. Even at home it is super sensitive to noises. I was on an important phone call with upper management and the boy went into the kitchen and opened a bag of crackers and my manager yelled about the intense noise probably sounding like tinfoil attacking her eardrums. So I ran into the kitchen to try and act out the issue without saying anything because of the call and it was a hideous mess. 

For Zoom calls, my office is setup so that I am completely back lit. So on the calls I am basically completely in the dark. I almost fixed it but on our first Zoom meeting I remembered that I am not great at hiding my facial expressions and on a Zoom call, everyone can clearly see your face. So I left myself in the dark, giving myself that buffer for my fake smiles, eye rolls and constant staring at my double chins and readjusting. 

My friend was recently let go from their job. As a friend does, I immediately offered to go to their previous place of employment and slash some tires. This would not be the first time I have participated in some bad ass protesting. I was reminded of the time my friend and I decided to spray paint the billboard announcing the new American box store coming to our small town. We dressed all in black (easy for my Gothie younger self) and waited until dark to walk to the sign, spray paint in tow. My friend was in charge of the actual spray painting which was to read “CONSUMER WHORE.” After he finished we backed away and read our street protest art. Unfortunately he was slightly over zealous and and completed rounding the bottom of the R and the billboard read “CONSUMER WHOBE.” This giant sign was available for all to see who entered into this small town for months. Nailed it.

I really find that homemade masks look like face underwear. 

I am currently living for Mandy Patinkin on Instagram right now. That is right. Living for it. 

I am officially getting old. I know I say that often but it is truly happening. The highlight of my birthday this year was getting orthotics and a new fitbit. Because all I do is walk and excitedly record my steps. But now my feet are elderly and require arch crutches just to hold my body up. Awesomeeeeee. I have also decided to write a diet book on how to walk for like 2-3 hours of the day and still gain weight. It’s a super power I have that I would like to share with the world. You too can listen to every podcast under the sun, while sweating profusely and power walking to gain those extra pounds you were looking to add to your current weight repertoire. Good times. For these reasons, I cannot enter into the dating pool again – I have hideous flat feet, I am completely lopsided, my body retains weight if I look at a cookie and I am seconds away from a colostemy bag. Line up all the interested suitorssss. (My boyfriend thought it might be worth mentioning I also do not need to enter into the dating pool, because I have a boyfriend…fair point sir).

I feel like in my past I have had enjoyed unique, interesting and often odd fashion choices. I know vintage polyester was a key staple in my wardrobe for many years. So I am depressed when my list of fashion requirements now include; elastic wait bands, boring t-shirts that adequately fall on my rolls in a certain way but also allow me to sweat profusely during my walks, shoes that will fit my orthotics and the largest undergarments known to mankind. Gawddddd. My underwear is probably bigger than most people’s shorts – legit. Mama loves her organic oversized hipsters. Shut up about it. I would like to create a fun, colourful, flattering, full of trendy patterns line of elasticated, work from home, comfort/casual wear called “I guess this is it now”. Moo moos for the hip at heart. I guess basically Old Navy. 

I believe I mentioned awhile ago that I did sign up for work out videos at the beginning of the lock down but I never really got into them. I tried to explain to my friend that I do not hate exercise, I just find it boring and uninspiring. I told him my plan to make workout videos that I enjoyed. I then cranked Limp Bizkit loud and make an impromptu workout routine in my elastic band leggings and boresville t-shirt. I also attempted to twerk to Korn, which definitely hurt a little. I have decided that there is a market for middle aged women exercising to angry, loud rock music. It made me recall when in highschool we were learning dance in gym class (my favourite subject…jk). Everyone picked current pop hits to dance to. But not my group. I picked the other angsty chicks in my class and we choreographed Metallica’s Enter Sandman. So really, it comes naturally. Stayed tuned for angsty old lady body workouts my with new sweet ass orthotics and middle aged nostalgic emo rage. 

I have become obsessed with garbage day. We get garbage picked up every 2 weeks and rotate the recycling so if you miss something or forget to take something out, it’s a big fucking deal. Times that by the fact that we live in a one bedroom apartment. So if we forget to take out that cardboard box on it’s proper day, it will most likely sit in the the middle of a room for the next 2 weeks with no place to go. I have become so crazy I will empty containers that are low just to get them into this week’s recycling. Oh, only a couple pickles left in the giant jar? Better eat them so that jar can make it into this week’s recyclinggggg. I will also empty all the garbages leading up to garbage day repeatedly ensuring I do not miss one thing. This is bored ass adulting at its fucking finest. I need to get out moreeeee. 

I never really thought anyone would ever really know me and understand me the way Spotify does. But it had me at Your Daily Mix. It HAD ME at Your Daily Mix. 

I am obsessed with these new scooters everywhere. I want to hate them but I love them and I need to try them. But I 100% know I will hurt myself. I have bad balance, I am not capable of gracefully falling and I always have headphones in. Weeee! Stay tuned.