Belly Update – my bump still has an overbite. It is not charming.

Somedays I think I am completely brain dead and should not be allowed to operate…well anything. We have been slowly furnishing our new place. A piece of furniture was delivered. I asked my partner if he could help me put together the sleeping couch chair. He looked highly confused. “The sleeping couch chair!” I said. “You know what I mean!” He asked if I was talking about the bed. Yes of course I meant the bed by saying the sleeping couch chair over and over again. For god’s sakes. Figure it out. 

We were driving to go do groceries and I was telling my partner about a book I was reading all about the 5 S’s for soothing a newborn baby. He asked what the the 5 S’s were. I started listing them – sure, easy. They are sucking, swaddling and then I looked distantly into the field we were passing and realized my mind was totally blank. Shaking? I said. No, no. Shaking is not an S. That seems like a bad S. Alright, I cannot recall any of the other S’s. My partner confirmed with me that I, in fact, was actively reading this book and could not recall most of the S’s. Yes, correct. I have no idea what they are, I would have to get back to him on that info. 

I was looking for my eyebrow tweezers and kept referring to them as face pliers. 

For the first time in a long time, I made a point of watching SNL. My partner asked why I was watching it and I yelled, “Omg because of David Sudakis. I fucking love him”. He asked if I meant Jason Sudeikis. I confirmed that that was what I said, duh. He went on to explain to me that I had somehow married David Sedaris and Jason Sudeikis into one person. Wow, I thought. That seems like the best super human I could have ever come up with. But yikes, my brainnnn. 

I am so hormonal that I was driving to my friends house and on the radio they were talking about how, at a movie premiere, The Rock gave his truck to a war vet and I cried the entire way to her house. Good lord. 

We had a plumber here investigating a bathtub leak. One of his theories as to why there was a leak was that when I got into the tub and added an extra 130 pounds, the tub might be shifting a bit. I laughed so hard. 130 pounds hahaha. He didn’t know what was so funny. Like not only have I never been 130 pounds but I am also 8 months pregnant. I told him I appreciated his lowball but he still did not understand how hysterically off he was. He was so confused he almost started to argue with me. Shhhh now. You are so so wrong dude. You will not win this. 

We signed up for prenatal classes that were on Zoom. I had no idea how amazing it would be that we could just sit on mute the whole time and make the most ridiculous comments we could. Mute for the win! We continually did the Seinfeld episode where they cover their mouths so Jerry’s hearing impaired girlfriend could not read their lips. We did this the whole class. When they were discussing possibly bringing a comfort object to the hospital room my partner covered his mouth and said “your vibrator” and I started laughing and then pretended to scratch my upper lip, hiding my mouth and responded, “I think she means more like a picture of Clooney circa 1998 holding a baby he just delivered on ER. Obviously.” We have an ongoing joke that any picture of Clooney as a paediatric ER Doctor will sploosh the baby right out. It will just fall out. 

The teacher mentioned to make a playlist for the hospital and I got very excited. I picked up my water bottle and used it to cover my mouth and said, the first song will be Fuel by Metallica. That seems like a rager to get things moving. My partner responded with a firm No. I then offered the Time Warp from Rocky Horror Picture Show. Same response. 

We could be on mute the whole time but as I am sure you have put together, they requested we be on video the whole time. This was only really a problem when they showed a labour video and as everyone looked on with great anticipation, my face looked like I was witnessing a 20 car pile up where cars just kept flying into it. I kept looking at my partner and saying, knock me out and pull it out. I swear to god, knock me out and take it out. I am trying to get it through my head this can be a spiritual experience, but I imagine it will actually just be an experiment on how creative my swear words can get.

Also when they talked about the ring of fire, which is basically as your baby smashes out of your lady bits and rips them to shreds, I wondered what the fuck that Johnny Cash song was about. Was he really singing about a lady jamming a football out of her cooch? I doubt it. 

I am now at the point of pregnancy where if I drop something I take the time to make a pros and cons list for bending over and picking it up. I get winded putting my boots on and my walk is full waddle. 

At the beginning of my pregnancy all my sponsored Facebook ads were for Fetal Alcohol Syndrome which was pretty intense. Lately my sponsored ads have been for Prep, a medication to prevent getting HIV. I do not know what the fuck my phone thinks I am doing, but I promise, it is much less exciting than it thinks.