Having a toddler is a real wild ride. It’s like having an adorable and weird and unstable roommate. One minute breakfast is going along fine and the next he is screaming and insisting he eat the rest of it with a soup ladle. We go from entering the kitchen with a cheery disposition, to on the ground screaming because the dishwasher went from open to close. We are playing with the truck but if I touch it, the fucking game is over and I’ve ruined it. From pure glee of watching the vacuum and even helping push it, to absolute devastation when the vacuuming is over. I never ever in my wildest dreams thought I would talk someone off a ledge for having to put the vacuum away or just sit back and watch him put toast pieces into a soup ladle and attempt to eat it. 

I installed a toddler seat on my bike. I then had someone come tune up my shitty bike so it wouldn’t collapse with the both of us on it. The guy repairing the bike asked who put on the toddler carrier. I did, I replied proudly. He said, can I fix it? Fucking rude. And of course you can fix it. No, I would like you to leave it fucked up so it will fly off the bike in the middle of traffic. Yes…fix it please. We went out biking all the time. One of our favourite activities is on garbage day, biking around the neighborhood following the garbage truck so the kid can point and scream with glee at the giant, disgusting trash receptacle. We also sometimes bike to the busy bus station near Algonquin so he can point and scream with excitement at the busses. I try to bike on the sidewalks as much as possible because I live in a neighborhood where I have seen people unknowingly blast through red lights at the pedestrian crossing. So I like to think we are safest on the sidewalk. I am also aware this is just a douche move and usually get off the sidewalk if walkers are present. On the odd chance I cannot get off the sidewalk before we go by the pedestrians, I have started apologizing for being an asshole biking on the sidewalk. So far, this has been received warmly. I am acknowledging that I am an asshole for doing this, but still totally doing it. 

My partner bought an industrial hiking baby backpack carrier thing. It is meant to carry a child through the rugged outback and up mountains. Our farthest hike has been from our front door to the Starbucks. Or from one end of Echo Drive to the Whole Foods. #urbanhiking

There was a rough looking character on a median at a stop light asking for money one day. I was pleased with myself that I actually had some cash on me and was going to give it to this guy. I handed him some change and he said thank you and I wanted to gesture you’re welcome but instead I did a cross between sign language thank you and what looked like blowing a kiss. And then he also blew a kiss at me and then I returned the air kiss and we did this like several times before I thought the fucking light better change soon because I am in a weird place right now. I am sure all the cars around me were like wondering if I was trying to pick this gentleman up or something. Or just laughing as we got stuck in this weird continual blowing kisses exchange. Anyways, when the light changed he blessed me with Jesus’s love and I was on my way. What a day! 

I was trying to look up one of the side bands from the guy who sings for Queens of the Stone Age. I kept searching things like those darn birds, them damn birds or the damned birds. Anyways, turns out the band’s name is Them Crooked Vultures. Like so close but really, so far. 

My Being Neighbourly Nepean group is just a bunch of boomers that have no fucking idea how to use google or any internet resources. Some of the posts include a woman looking for a particular ink refill for a fine tip pen, there are always posts about seniors day at Mongolian Grill, one woman is asking advice on how to lose 100 lbs. Someone asked how to setup their printer on wifi to print from their phone. Another person asked where they could purchase a cross pendant and someone is looking for advice on how to clean the grout in the shower. It’s just a real mess of stupid questions that one might ask a friend or perhaps google. How do I clean my shower grout? Holy fuck man. This group blows.

My Mom told me that her and my Dad were getting their memory tested. I said oh wow that’s great, when is it happening. She said the doctor’s office called with a date but Dad had forgotten it. I laughed so hard. And then a couple week later I followed up to ask if they had figured out their appointment and my Mom said she had forgotten about it. But then she did follow up and apparently they had not called with an appointment. No appointment had been made. I told her that I was fairly certain that had just failed the first part of the memory test with flying colours. This was all part of it and they had just been bumped to the front of the line haha. Like honestly. 

My friend asked if I missed going out at night and especially drinking. I told her I did not miss it. But that it was fully part of my retirement plan to have a drink in my hand most of the time. I am fine not drinking now but when I realize my faculties are going and I can’t figure out how to work a remote or my phone, I plan on being lightly buzzed at all times. 

I splurged and hired a house cleaning service to come clean my house once a month. The first month they came and it was great. I have never seen my house so clean. Then a new woman came this week. She started off by telling me she only used her own, natural cleaning products. I told her she could use any of my products because they were natural too. As she was telling me about the harsh chemicals in cleaning products (lady I know, we’ve established this) I definitely felt like something was off about her. I did a bit of work and then got ready to go to an appointment. I walked into the kitchen to tell her I was heading out and EVERY appliance and item that had been on the counter had been moved to a completely new place. She told me she would put everything back. When I was at my acupuncture appointment I told the acupuncturist that I legit wondered what my house would look like when I got back. I had concerns. It looked like there had been an exorcism in my kitchen. When I returned, nothing had been returned to its rightful spot. I noticed that even in the bathroom upstairs, EVERYTHING had been rearranged completely. Even in the powder room she had switched the side the hand soap was on with the side the candle was on. Like wtf. Did I try and wash my hands with a candle? Yes. It was in the wrong fucking spot! Then when she was wrapping up and telling me she was making her own natural body care, I noticed out of the corner of my eye that there were kleenexes on things on my corner shelf. She said sorry, I had to cover the B-u-d-d-h-a-s with a Kleenex because I am a Christian. My eyes bugged out of my head as I just smiled and nodded. What I really wanted to say was, is Buddha really that threatening to your religion? Like wtf is going on here? Are the Buddhists coming for the Christians? Did I miss this? Then she asked if was Christian and I just smiled and shook my head and said, thanks again for coming to clean, have a nice day and she left. What in the flying fuck was that?! I wondered what else in my house had offended her that she had to cover up. I wondered if I would find a hidden cross or rosary somewhere. A couple hours later, after being throughly creeped out about this lady being in my house at all, I remembered there was a Ganesha (Hindu elephant deity) in Henry’s room. Ganesh, the remover of obstacles. I went upstairs only to find it wrapped in Kleenex and hidden behind his diaper caddy. I was so blown away. This was the wildest thing I had ever seen. And I will never use this house cleaning service again!

I was in an Algonquin course and the teacher was talking about board meeting hacks and was explaining how to remove permanent marker and she said the solution was Magic Mike erasers. I had to use every fibre of my being to not burst out laughing. I looked around at the class to see who else had caught that. They are Magic erasers. Magic Mike erasers would imply a hot man was stripping to help you clean. Which I agree, would help. But holy fuck, the most hilarious thing ever.