You know when someone asks what kind of music you like and you say anything, that you like all types of music. And then they put on John Mayer and you regret saying you liked anything and you wished you had been more specific. Yeah that happened. 

Did you know Tina Turner has a song called Nutbush city limits? Who thought of that? Why not call it ball shrub city limits or maybe testicle nest city limits? What the hell Tina? I will blame that terrible decision on Ike’s involvement on that album. 

Sometimes when Hennie is doing his school work I watch tv online with giant headphones on. I often wonder how special I look while watching intense episodes of Sons of Anarchy. The last episode I watched I was laughing maniacally at Gemma’s antics, yelling at Tara for making bad decisions, cheering when they outwit the cops and tearing up a little and fist pumping the air when the club reunites. I wonder if Hennie watches me and it makes me look totally crazy because it’s all out of context. He should video tape it, that would be good times.  

I’ve been watching this show called “Cracked.” It’s a cop show that deals with mental health. I have seen about 6 episodes. I was watching it with my Mom and I saw a Canadian actor and went wow, maybe this show is Canadian? My Mom looked at me and said, um ya? The cops are dressed like our cops, the CN tower is in the skyline  and the license plates are from Ontario. How did I miss that? And then as soon as I knew it was Canadian I became a little bit more critical of it, which is terrible! There was this one scene where the chief of police came into the room talking, dropped her pen and then awkwardly bent down to pick it up while still talking. It was so distracting! Why did they not re-shoot that scene? She dropped her fucking pen! Scrunched down to get it, her voice went weird when she was bending over and then she got back up. Yeah Canadian television. Omg this episode is all about hockey, dammit, so obviously Canadian. 

Ben and I are watching The Voice. Cee-lo just told someone that their song was hype, dope and fresh. I challenged Ben to say that to someone tomorrow without sounding like a total fucking moron. 

I drove by Gemmill Park yesterday and it was packed full of people. I thought it may be the annual track and field day (I don’t think it actually was). But my stomach turned into a knot, I started feeling nauseous and I wanted to drive by as quickly as I could. Track and field day was always the chubby kids’ worst nightmare. And also the worst nightmare for the artsy students, nerds and general non-atheletes. It was a horrendous day where the athletic were praised and everyone else was paraded around to look like total out of shape failures. I remember once, doing the 100 metre race, thinking I was running incredibly Donavon Bailey fast, only to realize I was definitely coming in last. Then I heard from the sidelines my Dad yell “Ruuuunn Forest Ruuuunnn.” I think I started laughing and crying at the same time. It was the best thing he could have yelled, just to make a mild comedy out of my running ability. It was at least nice I came from a family of non-athletes and was heartily supported as such. It was almost as fun as when my Dad told my soccer coach, who was yelling at me more than usual, to fuck off. Just plain and simple. Sure my daughter is singing songs, doing semi cart wheels and doing stand up comedy on the field but she’s 12 and it’s soccer, so fuck off. God bless my Dad. Just like my sister before me, who faked sprained ankles every gym class, I faked asthma attacks every time we had to run laps. A family that hates participating in sports together, stays together.

I just bought a fancy lipstick from Sephora, maybe to help with my Gemma costume, but because of the cost, I will wear it everyday for at least a month. But the lipstick is so fancy I couldn’t figure out how to open it! After removing it from the box, I realized it did not resemble a lipstick at all. There was a silver button but no lid. Twenty minutes late of pulling, twisting and banging it on the dresser I figured out how to open it. I guess Sephora is too fancy for me, I get it. As I was leaving the store I sprayed their fancy expensive perfume from NYC all over me to take as a free gift for my purchase. It wasn’t until the next store that the horrible scent I kept smelling at Bayshore was indeed me. I went to The Bay to cover is up with something else and ended up just totally reeking of disgusting half masked gross ass perfume. By the time I got home I was almost gagging. Will now have to wash all those clothes. Dammit Sephora. 

 Omg I am soooooo sick of Tina Turner. I have been listening to her 2 cassettes every time I drive anywhere and believe me, I get around. I love Tina and she has some amazing songs, like when I am driving around with my kid and we stop mid sentence to belt out “What’s Love Got to do With it” and when she sings Al Green’s “Let’s Stay Together” I stop everything I am doing to sing. And I will always love “Proud Mary”, but let’s be honest here, some of her other songs are really terrible. “Private Dancer” is the worst song ever. It has no flow, is kind of creepy and she yells about taking American Express in the middle of the song, which makes me wonder how a private dancer accepts credit cards…and why American Express? The fees on that card is outrageous! Tina if you want to make millions and live by the sea, I would take cash, store it in a shoe box and leave the government and banks out of it. Ya like Tina doesn’t know how to make a million bucks. I feel like I’m becoming a Tina Turner officinado and I am not comfortable with it. I always have all the songs stuck in my head too, every where I go. Before bed last night I sang Hennie a 30 second montage of one lines of all the new Tina Turner songs I completely know by heart. I almost feel like naming the car Tina, both are classic, been through hard times but overcome, I don’t know, this is a stretch. 

Remember when going to parties was all about drinking as much as you could? It was like the point of the party was to get drunk, dance, make an ass of yourself and then spend the next day saying you will never do that ever again? I feel like I am getting older when the emphasis of the party moves from shots to photo shots. People aren’t encouraging people to drink, they are encouraging people to take as many pictures of themselves, with others, as possible. My first thought is I must get pictures to a) show the world how good I scrub up and b) to prove to Facebook that I do indeed have a social life and cool friends. And nothing beats a costume party. There were a few people dressed in drag, well one as Bowie from the Labyrinth, but I will just throw him into this category. People were still streaming in the door when I ran over to Rob and told him I had just seen the most amazing drag costume ever. He casually looked behind me to tell me that the person I was referring to was actually a woman, so it would probably be best to not make conversation about her amazing drag costume. I guess there is a way for things to go wrong at a costume party…terribly wrong. But omg did I look amazing!!! People who knew the show thought the costume was amazing!! Others who hadn’t seen the show were not people I wanted to socialize with so it repelled them nicely. When someone came and asked what I was dressed as, I said if they didn’t know, it didn’t matter. Ya I am an SOA snob, what of it? My hair was amazing!!!! It was so perfect!!!! I had my hair sprayed black, blond and brown extensions put in and I looked like a celebrity. I told Rachelle, when I got to her place, that after the party we needed to find a bar where I could become a country music sensation because my hair was that amazing! I wished I had gone somewhere to sing because the hair was crying out for me to belt out a tune. I could have even sang one of the songs that Gemma sings on the SOA soundtrack!! Oh costume party regrets…life is so tough. 

Wow that Russell Brand video of him pushing for a global revolution is amazing! I have removed my mental douche bag status for that man and am now allowing him to climb the status ladder in my head. Onward and upward Russell, onward and upward. Russell  Brand for British Prime Minister! 

I was standing in line at Wal-Mart (not my normal shopping place but I was working with a kid and it was the only place open). The lady in front of me was telling the dude cashier all about the cake she was making and that she was using flax instead of eggs! I was like, omg this should be good. The burly cashier asked what flax was. Well played sir, I was hoping he would have said, who gives a shit but what’s flax is also a response that signals he doesn’t give a shit. She explained about allergens in schools, especially to eggs. The cashier buddy was like people are allergic to eggs? I don’t think so. She tried to convey to him how amazing flax was and finally he said, I just would want eggs in my cake. What was the lady thinking starting a conversation about flax with a cashier at Wal-Mart? Know your audience people! He didn’t give a shit and he liked eggs, moving on.

Hennie had to get a tooth out today. I was in the room when they were telling him that they were giving him a crazy cocktail including fentanol. As soon as they said it my eyes popped and on cue, a lady walked through the door and handed me the bill that we had to pay $1100 for a 20 mins. tooth extraction! In my head I thought it would be a few hundred dollars but apparently I was unaware of what dentist’s make. I walked out of the office, called my mother and told her I was heading to dental school. I also came back in and told Hennie he was not allowed to take any of the narcotics because we needed to sell them on the street in order to pay for the surgery. The nurse looked at me with her eyebrows raised. I was just about to say I was just kidding when Hennie says that I would be a great dealer. Ah well. Dear nurse, we will not sell the percocets prescribed. I swear! Or will we…we might.

I have decided, after watching a million hours of The Voice, I want to be on the show. But I am missing something crucial. The ultimate sob story. There is a fine art to this. It should be sad enough to cry but not so tragic that you sob. You must be rising above an illness or doing it for someone that has died. Either way it has to be good. I was trying to figure out what my The Voice audition would look like. Carson Daly would sound concerned and say…Chubby girl, raised in small town to crippled and sarcastic parents and a sister that once broke her arm (or sprained it). She suffered from mathematical retardation and left the church choir as a teenager to become a freakish, emo goth. She suffered from a British form of alcoholism for a few years just before wasting four years on a degree that led to no career. Working 9 jobs at the same time she eventually had a nervous breakdown of massive proportions and turned to music as her inspiration. She was once in a band for 2 hours but they eventually broke up when the only other member moved out west. Let’s listen…

I have a habit of breaking into the song “Conga” randomly. I have explained it to Hennie as my Gloria Estefan tourettes. It’s the most fun problem to deal with ever. You never know when a conga party will start.  

I don’t know why, but I absolutely cannot work an Xbox. I get all excited because I am home by myself, I decide I am going to rent a movie from the magic Xbox and three hours later when Hennie get’s home he finds me huddled in a ball on the floor because I went back and forth between the same two screens for an hour and couldn’t figure out how to select the movie. I don’t know when I became technologically challenged, but it has happened. We never really watch movies off of the Xbox anyways. We watch a million trailers and always feel like we have watched the whole movie so we never end up renting anything. 

I finished the Sylvia Day Crossfire smut trilogy in a week. I feel a bit dirty, a bit tired, sexually inadequate and that I wish I was a millionaire. Well that’s it. Good times. Back to the real world “sigh”.  

Ok so can I return to The Voice again…has Christina had work done? Her face looks different, like weird different. I know she lost weight but even I know there is no way your nose can lose pounds, that’s been surgically helped my friends. And I know the show is all about product placement, excuse me while I sip my Starbucks million-words-later-frappucino, but driving the contestants to the studio in a Kia is pretty dumb. You mean they aren’t in the building during the show? Are they just hanging in the car waiting for the camera to tell them to go? Oh Kia, Starbucks is a tiny bit subtle but a car, it’s hard to just shove that into the frame.  

Jack fm graces the radio at my parent’s house more often then not. And that’s all good and fine because they play some rocking tunes but after 9am it turns into Jesus radio. Which is really stressful when you run upstairs for a snack and it’s dark and there is a voice from the corner telling me I am a sinner and going to hell. It’s terrifying actually. Come on Jack, what happened to Rod the bod and Aretha, angry Jesus man is much less fun to listen too, especially at night…in the dark. 

Ok so I guess everyone has heard the news. It’s devastating, upsetting and a real let down. I was shocked and inconsolable. Charlie Hunnam will not be playing Christian Grey in Fifty Shades. It’s so sad. I was already way too pumped to see Charlie bring it as an S&M sex fiend but now I think I have come to terms with it. He is too good for Christian Grey. Charlie Hunnam is such an amazing actor, I think he ran the risk of making this his Showgirls, a possible career killer. And that would have been worse. It would have killed Jax Teller’s legacy and would have turned Charlie into just a Hollywood penis making bad decisions. *Sigh* I guess it wasn’t meant to be. It would have blown too many people’s minds, mainly mine. But I’m over it. I mourned the loss by staying up way too late getting up to date with the new season of Sons of Anarchy. Did I mention I am going to a Halloween party as Gemma? I had a busy bee meltdown the other day when I couldn’t find my hooker boots but thank god, I found them. They are an integral part of the costume. I will be the most amazing Gemma ever! I will make Gemma proud! 

I just went to Spirit of Halloween with my kid and I forgot that the spirit of Halloween is to dress as slutty as possible in  any costume you wear! Slutty nurse, slutty cougar, slutty police. The costumes there were outrageous! But I have never been one to buy costumes, oh no. I have an eclectic enough cupboard full of clothes that I can usually whip together something pretty quickly. Slutty biker chick was easy for me to figure out. My favourite outfit I saw at the shop tonight was Robin Thicke’s outfit from the infamous Miley Cyrus VMA debacle and it was called the twerk suit. So awesome.  

I finally found cassettes in a second hand shop! There was about 10, most of which were terrible but I did manage to score 2 Tina Turner tapes and an REM one. I am pretty sure I will never listen to the REM one because, in my opinion, they were the most overly played band of the nineties but maybe on occasion I will be able to tolerate Shiny Happy People. I was so excited to find tapes, especially Tina! I was with my kid, who at 17, had only seen a cassette like once before. I felt like my car was turning into a museum for kids. Yes, there is no keychain that unlocks the car, I will do it manually. Yes that is a cassette player, for cassettes. Pass me the Tina Turner tape. You don’t know Tina Turner? Sacrilegious! The drink holder pops out from under the stereo, cool eh? I was shocked when my kid did not join in with me singing Proud Mary, Disco Inferno and What’s love got to do with it. Come on! I’m not that old, am I? On my way home I was seriously blasting the tunes only to be watched by a guy driving next to me as I did the dance moves for Rollin on a river, while driving of course. I’ve done a lot of stupid things while driving, but being watched while doing actual Tina moves to a Tina song, well that’s pretty fucking awesome. Ugh I just googled it and I found a video of kids doing the dance as a dance recital, gag. Not okay, that’s adult dancing honey pies. 

The two best questions asked at the cafe today…

Girl – Do you know how many calories are in my mocha? 

Me- A lot? 

Girl – Oh. 

Me – Would you liked whipped cream on it?

Girl – Yes!

and

What’s the difference between a latte and a flavoured latte? I tried so hard not to respond sarcastically, but I might have come off as just that…flavour perhaps?!

I totally scored a weird, homemade wooden totem carving out of someone’s garbage in China Town west (Kanata Lakes). It is the weirdest looking thing I have ever seen but I love it and I knew I would be comfortable garbage diving, in front of my kid, in a nice neighborhood for it. Never too classy.  

I’m totally exhausted. I am reading Bared to You, another smut trilogy and it just makes me exhausted! They just have so much sex. I feel I need a nap after each chapter. There is no way you can do that, so many times, for that long and not need to stop for a sandwich or something. Or as if no one is getting cramps or pulling muscles. How come no one has thrown their back out? I need to write old people porn. He was about to insert his man rocket into her lady cave when he hit he floor because his sciatic nerve seized. After she massaged where it hurt for 15 minutes, they forgot what they were doing and fell asleep. The end.  

Doesn’t it sound weird when people say they like reading Can Lit? It feels weird, like it’s a terrible cop out for an acronym. Every time someone says it I think Clit would be the better term and then quickly realize it would also in fact be the worst. Support Canada’s Clit! There I said it. 

Being in the big city of Toronto always sternly reminds me of how much of a small town gal I am. Like I very patiently wait for the little man to tell me when cross the street for fear of getting killed by maniacal taxi drivers. Last time I was here I witnessed two car accidents in one day. If you can’t trust the lit up man telling you it’s safe, who can you trust? I also distinctly smell urine at almost every corner, which is my main association with this dirty, pee covered city.  

We got to Toronto and I was feeling good. I have just lost a ton of weight and was wearing the tightest jeans known to mankind. I felt like my hair actually looked more alert and I was wearing my sexy boots. I walked into the hotel thinking, fuck I look good. Then the Air Italia flight attendants filed in to reception and I was like COME ON! What are the chances a line of female Italian models come in and stand next to me?! Fuck off. How do you even walk in heels like that let alone work in them? Gahh.

I love being in hotels! So exciting! I am right near the ice machine, triple exciting! I am drinking everything in this room over ice…because I can! I feel so Don Draper swirling around the water on the rocks, from my ice bucket. I have to stay up late just to experience hanging out in the hotel room. I feel very rock and roll. I just washed a sweater dress in the tub because I didn’t feel like finding the washing machines…ROCK and ROLL! It’s freezing in here but I don’t know how to change the temperature thingy and I didn’t bring a sweater because I wasn’t aware I was going to Antarctica this weekend. Rock and roll! There is a couch and a chair in here! And a bed! Just for me! I feel like I should invite people up here just to hang out! For a rock and roll party! There is a Second City book in my hotel room too, which is awesome. They totally saw me coming. When I leave I am going to remove the Bible and Book of Mormon (if you can believe that’s here, just missing some L. Ron Hubbard literature to cover the bases, maybe a person that knocks on my door to give me the Jehovah’s Witness experience too) and put the Second City book in the drawer instead. Just to be all crazy and whatnot. Did you know L. Ron Hubbard’s first name is Lafayette? No wonder he changed it to L. Omg I better not start this google train again. I once wasted hours reading about Scientology. So much so that I missed half a day. I just went into a google worm hole that was both odd and fascinating. I couldn’t look away, a bit like watching a train wreck. I have not been able to watch a Tom Cruise movie since, or listen to Beck.  

I think I was hit on by a young Irish waiter tonight. He was being subtle but I was on to him. I think he might have decided I was amazing when my friend said, while holding the ketchup bottle, that she had tried to squirt it but it went everywhere and then I yelled that’s what he said. He commended me on bringing the conversation right down but he secretly thought I was awesome. Thanks for the innocent flirt buddy, too bad you were like 10 years younger than me and had an accent that reminded me of alcoholism and U2. 

1:45am – Fire alarm! Say what? What drunk asshole decided to light a cigarette in the stairwell this year? Well all of downtown Toronto knows I wear a “What Would Gemma do?” t-shirt to bed. I accept that. Marching down 7 flights of stairs is one thing, but coming back up those same stairs at 2am is a total full body workout! It totally wakes you up! I now am ready for breakfast and probably won’t be able to go back to sleep (just kidding, I can always go back to sleep). What would Gemma have done in this situation? She would probably have been the one lighting up in the stairwell but if she wasn’t, I like to think she would have shot the people who were and went back to bed, while looking fierce and fantastic. I should have done that. 

I was standing at the booth today at the CHFA when I realized Sara was in front of me talking to Udo! The Udo from Udo’s oil!! I was listening to Sara tell him how healthy she was because of his products.  I was guzzling a free beer someone had just passed me and I decided it wasn’t the best time to get into a health conversation with Mr. Udo himself. Well I had been alcohol free for over a month and today I killed it. Someone waved free champagne and beer in front of me and I crumbled! Dammit! I am weak! After two drinks I was totally retarded and it was awesome. Dear diet, sorry about that, but if felt right.  

I think I just ran into a famous British punk band in the elevator at the hotel! I walked into the elevator holding 3, 1 litre water bottles because I am seriously dehydrated and the water tastes like ass at the hotel. The guy says in a British accent that he is terribly thirsty all of a sudden. Is it because of my enticing water bottles I ask and then he says something about Fiji water and decide they aren’t a punk band because what punk band would talk specifically about a brand of water? A lame one, that’s who. Like ya, I am in a punk band and I particularly like the taste of the artesian water from Fiji. Hmm yes. They are definitely in a band though. They came with music equipment and had crazy hair, so they are in a band. So I walked by the CBC building this morning and the same dudes I rode the elevator with were coming out of the building!! Fuckkk who are they?? 

Damn you The Voice. I just cry through the whole thing. Stupid show. 

Ya, I’m cruising around Toronto in my brand new Toyota Corolla. Well for 24 hours it’s mine. It smells like wet dog but fuck it, it handles well. 

Ok remember when I said earlier that I love staying hotels? I think I need to specify. I like staying in nice hotels, especially when it is on someone else’s dime. So Renaissance downtown Toronto was awesome. The Monte Carlo Inn in Markham was not. Not just because when I went to go find toothpaste in the hotel I had to pay $7 for it in the vending machine. Also not because next to the toothpaste in the vending machine was a package of “Rough Rider” lubricated condoms which seemed weird and too close to the toothpaste. But more so because of the smell of very stale, old person urine that my bathroom smelled of. It was so bad I kept my shoes on, in the bathroom. It was so bad that I started thinking the floor was sticky, that someone had just decided to pee everywhere and then let it ferment. Anyhoo, I have fond smells of Markham. Also the bed was so incredibly squeaky that if anyone had indeed purchased the Rough Riders everyone on the floor would have heard it.

I had a million hours to kill today before my train and after getting stuck in downtown Toronto traffic for awhile and then Siri getting all upset because there was construction, I decided to ditch the car and tour around…with my luggage. I don’t have a problem killing loads of time because I can just go read but it’s harder, when you are killing time in public and you are reading a very well known smutty book. Sitting in a pub in the corner I laid it flat so no one could see. I didn’t even bother bringing it out in Starbucks, too snobby. At the train station some dude’s kid kept looking at the pages and I wanted to warn them but I figured they would just totally figure it out on their own. They should be watching their own damed children. Every time a good part started I would raise the book to see it closer and then quickly realize I was exposing my reading choice to all of Union station. 

You know how much of a yuppy douche I am? I used my Starbucks find app on my phone in Markham to get my Americano this am. Douche.

You know how everyone now collects vinyl now. It’s the hip thing to do, you damned hipsters. Well I am taking it a level further. I am going to bring back the cassette tape. Mark my words, once my collection grows and I get mint condition cassettes in their original case, I too will be as cool as the hipsters. I may even start making mixed tapes for my car. Eeeeee mixed tapes!! That’s all I want for Christmas everyone, just make me mixed tapes! 

I just got my Moist tickets for Montreal!!! Omg we jump from the cassette driven eighties to the Canadian music of the nineties! I am so nostalgic and old! Anyways, I convinced Rachelle to go with me. There weren’t exactly a line up of people that wanted to go but whatever, I am so excited!! I used to be a crazy Moist super fan in high school. I went to all their concerts, met them at least three times and CRIED the first time I met them at Edgefest! Like a starstruck little groupie in the making, I made a total arse of myself. No one cries over Canadian bands ever. Oh but I did. I used to insist on wearing my Moist t-shirt to every picture day at school and family get together to promote my cause. Like I NEEDED to be a Moist groupie and I would let everyone know. My screen name online, during the ICQ messenger days, was Moistgal which looking back was like the most non discreet dirtiest name I could have ever had. But I only had eyes for the band so I never put together, that when I grew up, it could also be my future porn name. My Aunt used to bug me about it and I would be like, it’s a band!! And besides Auntie, your screen name is Herb girl which in my books is code for drug dealer so I think we are even. 

What is with frogs? It’s like they are all part of a cult and when it rains they drink the metaphorical purple kool-aid and they congregate on the road and jump right into the way of every car. They suicide bomb themselves onto to the grill of my car and it stresses me out. It is a terrifying, swervy, stressful trip home when it rains. Hey frogs, pull yourselves together! Cut ties with your cult leader and stay in the damned grass!

I have an inkling that one of the post men in Carleton Place is a retired 70’s porn star. He had dusty blonde hair, wears short shorts and is very comfortable showing a ridiculous amount of chest hair. He also seems to know all the women in town. Like they remember him from classic smut flicks and he knows it. Whenever I see him my head is filled with terrible 70’s porn music and his strut syncs to the beat. Dear Dirk, thanks for adding a little bit of vintage porn into my day, it means a lot.

Is it just me or is every car mechanic’s waiting room decor that terrible cottage wood paneling? It’s so man decorated. There are some ancient magazines, a calendar on the wall, some beige 80’s furniture and it it so dirty. It screams “decor by the mechanic dudes,” a place where no woman has ever added accents of colour or became so bothered by the dust that they cleaned it. It’s a public man cave with no effort to add pizazz to the space or excitement. It’s perfectly decorated to be the waiting room for bad news. That noise you heard in your car? Ya, that’s going to cost you $800 and you think, wow, this room is so bleak it’s a perfect space to hate the world in. Fuck that creepy wood paneling.  

We house sat recently next to someone who we may have nicknamed the crazy lady. Her main communication was with her dog, she had a squinty eye and she was hard to get away from in a conversation. When we were staying at the house next to her, Hennie accidentally decided to yell to me across the house that “THE CRAZY LADY WAS TALKING TO THE NEIGHBOUR!” I ran over to tell him he was standing in front of an open window and that she had heard all of that. And that I hoped she didn’t kill us in our sleep. She came into a shop I work at the other day and I was like wow, in the daylight she looks like an ex-communicated pirate. And kind of sounds like one! I knew she reminded me of something. Ah well. We are no longer her neighbour and no longer have to sprint to the car when she is out on her lawn, hazaa. 

So I have lost my faith in humanity. I parked in the parking place closest to the door as I was helping my little brother move into his apartment in Ottawa. I had my Dad stand by the car with my keys for half an hour as I ran stuff into the apartment, in case someone needed the space. My Dad was getting tired, so he left. I ran one bin up to my brother’s apartment and when I came down there was a by-law officer standing with a ragged looking red head and he was writing me a ticket. He says, oh there she is. I am like oh I was just up there a few minutes! Helping my brother move in! I will move right now! And the by-law officer says to the red head that it’s up to her wether I still get ticketed. She looks at me and says, ya, this happens all the time, ticket her. I was shocked! What kind of shit head wishes a parking ticket on someone? How sad is your life when you become a parking nazi? I was so mad I couldn’t even look at her. I was seeing red, so I started walking to the car, because I thought, well if I’m getting this stupid fucking ticket then I am going to go out in a blaze of glory with a high speed mother fucking car chase. In my Toyota Yaris. I stopped at the door when he started to walk over, because he was obviously on to me. I grabbed the ticket, threw it in the car and as I shut the door said go fuck yourself, into an open window, so I hoped she got the memo. When I saw the ticket was for $60 I quickly called Ben, told her the red head in his parking lot right now was a fucking %^&$&* and that I was wondering if he could slash her tires. What a bitch. Ok, I am done. For real! I have never sworn so much in my life. 

I just took a large dog for a walk at a place we are house sitting. Well he took me for a walk. I thought I should walk fast because this big dog needs lots of exercise but instead it made him pull harder. I was flying behind him as he tore down the street, gripping the leash with full force. A car passed so I made it look like I was leisurely jogging and that my fitness level allowed this speed. I smiled and waved at the person sitting on their front porch but was terrified on the inside that I would trip, and the dog would drag my lifeless body home.

Well the Baptist Church wins the eager beaver award. We are house sitting in the church golden triangle in Almonte and after taking the dog for a walk, only the Baptist’s are getting their shit together before 9am. Good job, Jeebus is pleased. 

I don’t think I should receive the Aldo e-mails anymore. I can be having the craziest busy days ever and be running around like a mad man (most of my days) and then I see there is a 30% off sale at Aldo and my world stops and I need to check it out. Because 30% off shoes is a bid deal! I flip through them all quickly, decide that I should really try on shoes before buying them and then delete the e-mail. Sometimes I check out the purses on sale too, but I never buy anything. Aldo, the official time waster of choice. 

I was in Starbucks the other day and got stuck behind someone who’s order was a small essay. It sounded something like…double tall, half caf, skinny, triple macchiato, chippity tip, extra caramel, extra hot, shot of heroine….it just went on and on! Even the lady behind was like, what is that alien jibberish she is speaking?! I walked up and asked for my SMALL black Americano (because I don’t give into the Starbucks speak) and left, 15 minutes later then expected due to the short story of an order before me. 

I am cleaning out my closet and getting rid of stuff. I will forever be vigilant about giving away purses. Many years ago my parents asked me to collect some things we could donate to the church bazaar. And being the good samaritan I am I got a bunch of old clothes and purses together. That evening my Dad came home and said, for future, when donating purses to church bazaars or anywhere, you should try and remove all the condoms, papers and roaches first. That would be great.  

This photo is here for no reason. Enjoy. Gargantu-cat.

The kid I work with asked if we could go hiking in Gatineau Park. I didn’t think much of it, it was like nature walk, totally. When I picked her up I started to worry. She is wearing layers, a hat and proper hiking shoes. Where I, on the other hand, have showed up in cute and casual shoes, regular clothes and a leopard print cardigan. When we got to the trail I confirmed that I had misunderstood exactly what she meant by hiking. She actually meant REAL HIKING. It was a 45 minute, sweat drenching, humid, disgusting march of a helmet wearing a cute sweater. Will know for next time to pretend what she says is real and go with it. The trip did have an upside as we went to the mall after and she found leopard print leggings for me that she demanded I buy because they were so cool. My kid was also wearing leopard print pants so we are secret soul sisters. I bought them, we match! And now I own leopard leggings. And you know what? It feels right, it feels really right.

My kid and I like to tour around T&T while she tells me all about the stuff there. That place is crazy amazing and I have really grown to love it. Plus I can find amazing sprouted, organic tofu that I have never seen anywhere else! Buying fresh bean sprouts, a million different shreds, flavours and textures of tofu and my kid always getting a treat of something I have never heard of nor could pronounce. We were standing at the cash and I was just saying how much I love coming here when the person right behind us threw a giant bag of fresh chicken feet onto the conveyor belt. Fucking chicken feet!! I stopped mid sentence and looked stunned. I was pretending to be cool but I could feel my eww face happening and I couldn’t stop it. My kid looked at me to see if I was okay and I just nodded and then felt myself go green. T&T, I still love you, there are just some things I will never understand about you. Including the expiry dates on my stringed tofu. I, unfortunately, do not understand Chinese symbols 😦

So I took a full weekend Shaman course this weekend. I’m still baffled as to why I think I have the attention span for a 2 full day course where I should act serious and not like a moron. These things are hard for me. I was already frazzled arriving because it said to dress comfy/casual which turned out to be mission impossible for me. All my clothes seemed too ridiculous to wear to a shaman course. It took me longer to dress then a night out clubbing. Dressing down is hard. Then when I finally finished I noticed I was wearing navy blue socks with blacks pants and my OCD head exploded and I needed to start again. First of all, at the course, my name badge I had to wear for the whole weekend read Buttram. Argh. There is nothing worse then having my actual last name printed on my shirt for a whole weekend but Buttram? Dear god. Ya ramming of the butt, that’s just great. Then, we had to stand in a circle and shake rattles or beat drums and were encouraged to let out whatever sounds you felt like making. I of course found this very difficult and eventually starting sing Hey-ya which I then realized was all too reminiscent of Outkast’s version. I’m glad I caught on before I started singing “shake it like a polaroid picture.” I was trying to not be a goofy tool in the spirit circle but all I could think was, I will never be an accomplished shaman, this rattling is totally flaring my carpel tunnel. Drumming would have been worse. I’m not Shaman material at all. This was totally confirmed to me when we started journeying. All it is is lying down, listening to drums and visualizing. I had to visualize myself traveling to the lower world but for some reason all my journey’s started off with Sailor Moon doing a trip flip and yelling “let’s go!” When we were told to meet animal spirit guides, people saw wolves, turtles, whales and so much more. I saw cartoon lizards having a beach party and a frog that stood on two legs and smoked cigarettes. At one point my turtle spirit guides sat down to a game of poker. I thought, I am the fucking worst journeyer ever! EVER! Why is my frog smoking a cigarette and talking to me like Yosemite Sam? Wtf! We then did a journey to meet our teacher. Some people saw Monks, some saw Grandmothers, one lady saw Jesus, but no, I saw a lumberjack that had the ability to turn into Thor. From axe to hammer in seconds! Yep. I even shared it with the class. Just to let everyone know that my answers would be considered retarded for the rest of the workshop. On the last journey we were to visit with our power animal. I was so tired. My back was in SO much pain from sitting cross legged on a wood floor for two days and I was STARVING because I hadn’t eaten any of the snacks because I am on super diet 2013. My journey was so bad. I couldn’t focus, my power animal turtle seemed lazy and therefore I starting planning dinner in my head to the point where I felt my power animal might have actually been tofu. It was a good weekend. I’m glad I did it. It was just a real lesson that my guidance or whatever, on any spiritual level, will never be serious, solemn or stern. It may always involve Sailor Moon doing karate, gambling turtles and smoking frogs.

My Grandma has been looking to find an umbrella repair man for her favourite umbrella. We didn’t want to break it to her that we live in the age of, when it’s broken throw it out and buy a new one so my Mom googled it. She came up with a name and his title was indeed umbrella repairman. See!! They exist, she insisted. When I clicked onto the name it took me into an archived edition of the Ottawa Gazette from 1957. So close Mom, but so far.  

So I want to make an announcement. We have added an addition to the family! No not a baby or a dog, even better…a Honda. I am very honoured and proud to be the current driver of an heirloom that has been passed through generations in my family. My new stereo is a tape deck! I think I own 2 cassettes, one of me getting a psychic reading and one of my “radio show” I used to record myself doing as a kid. I will definitely be listening to the latter with my new cassette playing car. I would have listened to cassettes the whole way home from Montreal but the only one that my Aunt could find was a Roger Whittaker tape which was the most depressing thing I had ever heard, despite the “intense whistling” as my Aunt described it. She showed me that the two rubber bands around the visor were my Uncle’s “hands free” cell phone system. I looked in shock. That is so fucking genius!! I put my cell phone up there and put my itunes and had it on the rest of the trip. So genius!! Who are these idiots spending money on a hands free set or music systems? Two elastic bands will suffice. Amazing! I called people “hands free” the whole way home. Thank you elastic band visor, you have changed my life. Ok Val, I will never mention the car again…promise.

My Mom volunteered to follow me in her car in case something happened. Just to be safe. As soon as we got onto the highway my Mom gunned it and left me miles behind, nervous in the new car in crazy Montreal traffic. She called me twenty minutes later wondering where I was. Wayyyy behind you my friend, you are the worst safety convoy person ever. 

I went to the hospital to visit my Grandmother who is doing very well! I accidentally got shuffled into a twenty minute family meeting with the doctor about my Granny’s stool. I should have never been invited into discussing such serious fecal matters. The only thing I added to the conversation was the idea of a poop chart with gold stars. Then I tried really hard not to laugh. Not cool.

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Omg omg omg omg omg OMG! Jax from Sons of Anarchy will be Christian Grey for the Fifty Shades movie!!! Eeeee!! I may have teared up a little when I heard, that’s how excited I am. Apparently I have a problem. Charlie Hunnam in a smut movie!! Eeeeee!! I am going to go on opening night, camp out even! My Mom said she wanted to go too…a good old fashion porn night…those were her exact words. I am not sure what is old fashioned about a porn night. But she said it like it was a real thing. Porn nights these days sonny are nothing like they used to be, back in the day they were good ol’ fashioned porn nights. It was like a good old fashioned corn roast, or a good old fashioned murder. I dunno. Whatever. NAKED CHARLIE HUNNAM!! (with my Mom…) Bazziiiiingggg! Eeeeeee! I can’t even believe there is controversy. I read all the books (shut up) and he will be crazy good, so whatever haters, wait and see the inhumanely hot Hunnam magic. I feel like it’s Christmas and I just opened up a big bag of eye candy (and whips and chains). I may have even joined the new Facebook page 50 Shades of Charlie Hunnam group. All they do is post hot pics all day and it is soooo distracting.  Sigh. Ok I am done, for real. I have collected myself and mopped up my drool. 

Did anyone else know that the couple from those “Body Break-participACTION” commercials were still around? They are so still around that I just read they were kicked off the show Amazing Race Canada!! I know none of you knew that because no one watches that show. I watched the original Amazing Race once, it was on hour of quick changing shots, people under stress and constant arguments. It gave me heart palpitations and anxiety that I realized there was no need to ever watch it again. So the body break couple still exists and they are back in the media. They said that during the show they felt they were totally targeted by other teams, because they were already well known and famous. Famous? Ummm I guess? That might be a bit of a stretch Hal and Joanne?! Ok. I know their names. They are obviously famous…Just in Canada though! Body breeaak! 

So back to school shopping was a total fail. Hennie bought a computer from China, that was all. Fuck! No pens, no notebooks, no planners, no clothes, no bells, no whistles. Argh! I’ll get myself shoes for Hennie’s back to school and that will make it all better. I fancy a pair of red boots for back to school.

The original ‘The Voice’ judges have all reunited! Yay! Although I will still watch the show, I never get to the end because it gets stupid and stupid people win because stupid people vote and the judges become stupid. Stupid show. But it’s starting soon, yay!

Holy shit! I just read that Harper told a group of non-profit volunteers that he likes twerking, but only does it with close friends and every now and then with Obama! He totally meant tweeting! Omg, please SNL do a skit of Harper twerking with Obama, please. Or just hire me as a writer, I have many more ideas SNL, many, many more ideas.  

Isn’t it exhausting keeping up the lady maintenance or shescaping? I feel like I finally got my hair, that grows like a weed, cut, got my Karl Marx unibrow waxed, shaved my legs where it always ends in me looking like I kneeled in a bowl of glass, shaved the pits and then today, I am in the bathroom at Chapters when I look into the mirror and see a full on lady mustache. I looked like Stalin. Come on! When did my face become a communist? It’s exhausting! Dammit! How did I not notice this she caterpillar on my face before? Fucking lighting. Hey Chapters, dim down the neon intense lighting and turn up the mood lighting. I want to think I look amazing while shopping in the clearance bin at Chapters, near the back of the store, full of weird stuff like notepads, magnets, salt spoons and pen cases with no pens in them. Hennie has intense facial hair too. He once said if we ever had kids they would be wolverines…I think he’s right.

Tip for making your Thai food outing more enjoyable. If ordering pad thai or something like it, ask for extra penis sauce! No one will flinch. It sounds exactly like peanut sauce. But it will make your day, because you feel awesome and cheeky. I’ve tried it, it’s a good time.

Omg Fifty Shades is going to be filmed in Vancouver…eeeeee! Road trip! Omg when did I get so creepy? I’m like borderline stalker. Maybe it’s his beard? I have always had a weird and creepy thing for beards…especially ginger beards. I once had a dream about them. Ok, we are stopping here. 

 I had a dream the other night that I was involved with Frankenfurter from Rocky Horror Picture Show. Which is weird on it’s own but in my dream, Frankenfurter was not Tim Curry, it was Hugh Laurie (House)! He would be an amazing Frankie! I really think I’m on to something here! Ignore the fact that I have odd dreams about being involved with singing sweet transvestites from Transexual, Transylvania hu huh.

Sound of Music is coming to the NAC! Well, it’s just a song-a-long where I think there is live music and they play the movie, but that would be totally fun! Last time I dressed up for a movie and sang along was Rocky Horror actually. I’m assuming Sound of Music reaches a much less smutty and colourful crowd. Instead of wearing a french maid costume, hooker boots and crimping my hair (for Magenta obviously) I just need some curtains and perhaps braids? Ah it’ll be fun. God wouldn’t that be awesome to show up as Magenta for Sound of Music? No but seriously, I really want to go. For if anyone truly knows me, I can just fly into full on ‘how do you solve a problem like Maria’ anywhere in full operatic tone. It’s another form of my tourettes.  

In case you were wondering who I was talking about…Eeeeeee!

Well like every other family attempt at eating out in public, it ends with all of us drawing far too much attention to ourselves. Weather it’s Dad belching insanely loudly, Hennie giggling at the menu’s almond guy ding or Mom making up words or sentences and Ben trying to decipher it, we laugh so hysterically that we always cause a scene. I’m surprised we haven’t been banned from any place we have ever gone together. We swear, we laugh, we cry we are laughing so hard. Never a dull moment with the fam. Apologies to all restaurants we have ever gone to. 

Hennie and I were driving to Equator the other day for coffee when a big truck started riding our ass. There was someone in front of me, I was in a pre-coffee state and tired so my automatic reaction was to give him the finger. He returned the gesture. Ok, we were settled, he got my memo in the mail and I received the confirmation that he didn’t care. But like all good country boys in a giant ass truck he followed us. He couldn’t let it go. He followed us, drove like a dick and pulled into the equator parking lot right behind us. I was like, wow I have no anxiety and no thought process right now because I am still mentally asleep, I am going to fight this mother fucker. Why the fuck not. I’m ready! I’ve seen what throwing a punch looks like on tv. I’m going to do it! And it will feel right! Instead he waits until we get out so he can squeal his tires and peel out. Like, woaahhh you are so badass! You drove away…noisily! I know I shouldn’t be allowed out in public pre coffee when I easily show people my magic finger wand and then decide that a showdown in front of the organic, fair trade coffee cafe is a good idea. Noted. 

We saw “We are the Millers” this past weekend. It was pretty awesome. It was my kind of comedy. I never used to like Jennifer Aniston at all, in fact I despised her but ever since “Horrible Bosses” I have much more respect for her. Not to mention she is smoking hot in the movie. Although I hated her in every scene she showed major skin because I read somewhere that on the days she filmed the stripper scenes she only ate kale. Fuck off. You aren’t a rabbit. No but seriously, good times, I recommend it to anyone who likes swearing, has a dirty mind and likes penis jokes. Good stuff. Black cock down! (line from the movie). 

Well after watching a million hours of The Killing I’ve decided I would be an excellent police investigator. Not a regular police enforcer because seriously, what kind of person does that job, but real a real investigator. It will help me rid myself of my future plans of meth cooking and gang activity. I think this is all jabber coming from the fact that I just took some cough medicine. That shit hits me hard! I’m high on Benilyn right now. Last time I took cough medicine was before a job interview at a health food store. I was sick and really didn’t think it was appropriate to be sick at a health food store so I chugged half a bottle of Robitussum DM. Near the end of the interview the walls started melting behind the owners of the store that were interviewing me. I was trying to stay focused but they were melting like wax at an alarming rate. When I tried to exit the store I got tunnel vision and started bouncing off the shelves. So of course, in this condition, I started my car and drove home. I called Hennie yelling, saying it was like being on a roller coaster and Robitussum is my new favourite thing! It’s so fucking awesome! Hennie insisted I probably shouldn’t be driving but I told him it was ok, I was flying home. Weeee!! I felt like Miss Frizzle from the Magic School Bus and today we were learning about over the counter hallucinogens. Wahoo! 

So Miley Cyrus eh? Wow that performance at the VMA’s was like watching a really creepy train wreck. Is the going the way of the Lohan? Is someone planning an intervention? I wanted to look away the whole performance but couldn’t. My favourite part was when they would scan the audience and people were looking down, not watching or looking like they were shocked and appalled. Fun times. Miley, as someone who has been to Jamaica I find your skinny white girl ass twerking offensive. You have no booty or no game and therefore I think you should respect the dance move and let it be. Just kidding, do whatever you want. I will just try really hard to look away…

Well my worst fear has some true. Some lady in the US found a man staring up at her from inside a toilet in a park. I knew it was possible. I always think I will see eyes when I look into the bottom of a port-a-potty.

I wore my super spandex shorts walking this morning. I also forgot to wear underwear so apologies if I may have been camel toeing all over town. Not okay.

I may have just called all the video stores to see if they have Sons of Anarchy season 5, just so I know. Because Hennie hasn’t seen it yet and I have and I am DYING to watch it with him. I feel better just knowing it’s close 🙂 I can sleep now.

I had a massage tonight. SO GOOD!! Don’t care I can’t afford it, don’t care that my massage therapist knows I can’t afford it as I tend to have a handful of toonies in my payment that I have scraped off the bottom of my purse. I told my friend, who also goes to see her, that I think I would pay all that money just to hang out with her because she is so cool. I told her we both liked the same movies and then she said they both liked the same tv shows. I told her that just because she knew her first doesn’t mean she likes her better and that I would fight her for friendship rights. Just kidding, I didn’t say that last part, but I was thinking it…seriously…

I woke up with a cough syrup hangover this morning! Yikes! I guess I had too much of it, but I couldn’t tell because nothing fun happened like melting walls or anything. Lame cough syrup….

I just got an e-mail from Dealfind for $14 strapless push up bras. Not only is there no over the shoulder strap, there is no strap around either. Unless that thing comes with a bottle of super glue and hydraulic lifts there is no way it will contain, display or pushup Betty and Veronica. No effing way.  

Air France is having back to school specials. Which seems weird because what would people, who are going back to school, do with cheap flights to Europe? Unless of course they go to school there. UNLESS it is for people like me, whose husband is going back to school and they think I should save some money on a solo journey to France then I totally get it! Perhaps I would prefer a return to Germany to visit my beloved Berlin or what about the canals of Amsterdam that I have never seen, maybe even Austria to re-enact every last second of the Sound of Music!! This is what the OSAP money is for, right? I did tell Hennie I wouldn’t buy shoes with that money, but I do feel one pair is okay to celebrate, right?

Well I have nothing to write about because all I have been doing is working, watching “The Killing” and eating fudgesicles. I don’t think it’s healthy to watch that much crime drama in a day (or eat fudgesicles for meals). During my walk this morning, I wanted to stop and analyze a carpet that was in a garbage can because it totally could have evidence from a crime scene. A body most definitely could have fit in it. I swear part of the reason I am obsessed with the show is to see what type of winter-turtleneck- sweater the main lady will be wearing each episode. It’s a perma fashion nightmare. On the way back from my walk this morning I realized I was pretending to be the main character. I had my hair up unusually higher on my head, I had a hideous sweater on and I was chewing gum, all signature Linden moves. I have a tv problem I think. And this is precisely why I stopped watching Breaking Bad. I would probably watch it so much that cooking meth would eventually seem like a good idea. A great little money maker on the side. I did read an article saying that when something went really wrong in the show recently some viewers actually called 911. Classic! And as for Sons of Anarchy, well, I have big plans for getting a motorcycle and starting a gang, that shit is all in the works.

My purse is so heavy that if I put it on the seat next to me in the car, the seat belt sign beeps until I remove the bag. Yikes, as if Toyota registers my bag as weighing enough to be a small person! Maybe a small Japanese person dear Toyota but there is no way my bag’s weight is comparable to a North American person. No way. 

I needed some time out from watching my crime show because I was getting too involved so Hennie and I walked down to the big pussy (Giant Tiger) to wander around. I never go there but in the last couple weeks every time I had asked someone where they got their clothes they said GT Boutique and I was all like, whaaat? So we went to check it out. Ya, as I thought, pretty disappointing in the clothing department. I did buy socks though, how exciting. As we were leaving, in the parking out, some dude revved his two tone Mitsubishi, spun tires and peeled out of the parking lot. At GIANT TIGER! It was probably the most action the big pussy had ever seen! 

Argh the Magnum ice cream truck just drove by! Taunting me! Motherfuckers! I am trying to ween myself off Magnum with half calorie fudgesicles. So basically because I know they are half the calories I tend to just eat twice the amount. Perfect. Ice cream on a stick is the greatest invention known to man kind. It’s the ultimate in laziness. No need to clean dishes, no need to repetitively move a utensil from your dish to your mouth like a sucker. You can just sit there and eat without any of that. Fucking genius! My dream is to create veggie burger on a stick or tofu on a stick or perhaps even omelet on a stick, perfect for people on the go. This all sounds like money to me! I know my entrepreneurial juices are flowing, awww yeah. 

I just read a study that said kids drinking too much pop might make them aggressive! It’s like fucking duh! Who conducts these studies? Fucking idiots? Sugar and caffeine in a little person? Recipe for disaster y’all, plain and simple. Not rocket science. Let’s not waste science research money on shit like that anymore.

Well I certainly didn’t just stay up all night watching the rest of Season 2 of The Killing. That would be dumb. Well I did and it was amazing! I’m in morning withdrawal already. I have the tv shakes, I’m in the crime drama junkie limbo, where you don’t feel terrible yet but you know it’s in the mail. (I’d like to thank Trainspotting for teaching me all I need to know about drug addiction and withdrawal). I want to go face my day and get on it with but I just figured out there is a third season not on Netflix that I MUST FIND!

Hennie cooked dinner! Cooked!! Food!! The same man that once called me at work to ask how to boil pasta made a meal! Hennie attempted and conquered the Everest of vegan, gluten free lasagnas. With tofu, broccoli, sweet potato and so much more! It was massive! It was amazing! (I totally added cheese to it though, just sayin’. Take that vegans.)

I took the kid I work with mini putting. We were greeted by a Polish lady (and by greeted I mean totally ignored). She was on the phone and we were definitely ruining her conversation buzz. She got up to ring us through the cash and continued speaking in Polish. I imagine she was telling the person on the other line she wished we would go away, that we were morons for mini putting in the extreme heat, that I seemed too young to have adopted an Asian teen. While mini putting I couldn’t help but notice there were tons of plants and flowers on the course, especially the kind that attract bees. It was like probably the worst idea ever. There were bees everywhere, waiting to attack their next prey. I looked around again for the hidden just for laughs cameras. Then I wondered if the Polish lady was sitting in the club house, on the phone, smoking a cigarette and watching, waiting satanically for someone to get stung because she secretly hated children and this was her way of getting back at them. Luring them into the bee den of Satan. 

I just realized today that my walking buddy, who owns a weight loss clinic across the street from a shop I work at can see through the windows when I gorge on brownies! Dammit! 

So I think we are in the market for a new car! Like a smokin’ honey wagon that is going to rock your mother trucking socks off! We are looking at what could be considered the best car ever made…in Japan…in the 90’s. Ok we are looking at buying a ’91 Honda but gull darnet, I will make it my own! I will give it the classiest name, hit it up with some bumper sticker, maybe add some shag carpet to the ceiling with some tassles and we are ready to roll! Nobody be messin’ with my pimpin’ shaggin’ wagon. (God I hope it doesn’t die on the drive from Montreal).

I was just about to tuck into my third glass of wine when it occurred to me that in less then 5 hours it would be Hennie and myself’s anniversary and I had forgotten. I decided to walk to Shopper’s. I felt pretty cool strutting along in my South African dress, sporting a Canadian, vegan, designer satchel wearing leather probably made in China shoes. Ya I am one of THOSE people. I realized my polyester dress was not going to be forgiving in this heat. I got a bit stressed out by a weird hunch back following me until I realized it was my shadow and wow do I need to work on my posture. I was cruising along to music I hoped no one was picking up with their iPod radio transmitter. Nothing says classy like power walking at night to Whitney Houston’s best of, remixed and other equally embarrassing older music. I hoped no one could see me theatrically belting out The Greatest Love of All. I did nearly get killed by a car at one point while dramatically lip synching Moulin Rouge’s Lady Marmalade. When I got to Shopper’s all the anniversary cards were sappy and lame and did not suit Hennie. Then I found one that read “Marge was getting pretty tired of waking up at the crack of Don” and picture of a giant ass crack. PERFECTION! Happy Anniversary baby!

I get so easily distracted by the little details. I was watching a high drama tv show called the Killing (after burning through the show ‘Orange is the New Black’ in days). It’s an intense show but I am so easily sidetracked nonetheless. At one point the private investigator hands the man running for mayor a folder full of the information he wanted. But I’m like, wow, that’s a nice folder. Is he going to give it back? Is he going to remove the contents and then give back the folder? It looks expensive! Is that included in the price? I would want it back, it looks nice. And then the character closes it with an elastic and walks away and I realize, sweet, it has an elastic part and secondly, that I have missed all the important dialogue in the past five minutes because apparently I have a fetish for office supplies and a tiny little brain.  

Oh but I do have a thing for office supplies! We just found out Hennie got accepted at Algonquin College for the fall and my first reaction was, holy shit, I need to pull some money out of my butt-stat and then oh my god I get to go back to school shopping without actually having to go to school!! Eeeeee! I have been researching the best Academic day planners at Chapter’s all day, even sending pics of the best ones to Hennie, asking if I can PLEASE pick out an planner for him! So exciting! Don’t even get me started on notebooks and PENS oh my god PENS! 

So after Hennie found out he had been accepted he seemed pretty quiet, almost like he was in shock. He said he hadn’t been in school since 1994, 9 years ago! I was like dude, that’s 19 years ago. The look on his face went from confusion, to surprise to disbelief. It was hilarious!

I just realized that ad on the radio where that jingle gets stuck in my head all day is them not singing “black people” but actually singing “bath depot.” Awkward.

I was really excited to go to the wave pool with one of the kid’s I work with last night. It’s fun to go to a pool when you no longer give a shit what you look like in a bathing suit. Like when I used to convince myself that the sneaky skirt on my bathing suit was disguising my hips but I know now that it is a giant skirt hanging off my giant hips and it’s okay. I was trying to keep a lid on my OCD in the change room when I realized their was dirt and hairs on the ground and I was walking on it in bare feet. And then I went to the toilet and was still in bare feet. I literally was singing a song to myself in my head so I wouldn’t think about the diseases my feet were totally absorbing. I really attempted to keep the crazy at bay but every time I entered the change room to use the bathroom (because drinking a bottle of water right before going swimming is fucking stupid) I was reminded how disgusting public pools were. That’s not even mentioning how stressful it is to take a wet bathing suit off to use the can and then putting it back on. It turns me into the Hulk. Like an agro monster, like I never want to swim ever again. It feels like a million suction cups stuck to your body all working against you as you pull up the wet, weird material suit. I was on the verge of having an OCD anxiety attack and losing my mind trying to get my bathing suit back on when it happened. We went back into the pool and then we were quickly called back out. Like something had happened. All the lifeguards blew their whistles and looked intense and formed a plan. We rushed into the hot tub to watch the commotion in luxury comfort. I wondered the worst, of course, but everyone seemed too laid back for anything crazy serious. And then, there it was. The floating turds being scooped up by a big dude, apparently in charge of the shit skimming. Someone had shit in the pool. It was too much. I told my kid we were leaving immediately and would never, ever return to a public pool ever again. All this and when I realized I was in the age bracket to not need to hide in a stall while changing in the change room back into my clothes, it occurred to me it was the one day I was wearing the one beige pair of granny panties I own and putting them on in the public change room was the nail in the coffin. Never. Again. Wave Pool. Never. Again.

Rachelle and I decided that wearing our matching animal print slippers to the LCBO would greatly lessen our chances of being sold alcohol. We realized we probably could have got away with it when the 13 year old looking boy bought a mickey of vodka in front of us.

I don’t know how we got on the subject of threesomes but I am pretty sure it was just Rachelle saying, if I had a threesome it would be with two guys. I wanted to agree with her but, as I explained to someone before, I love Joan from Mad Men enough that I could see myself being in a Don Draper and Joan sandwich. They are very hot people. Then we tried to come up with the best threesome combinations, which ended in Opie and Jax from Sons of Anarchy. I would happily be the white stuff in the middle of an SOA oreo. I told Rachelle the only down side to that would be that you would walk away from that experience with full-body beard rash. Those biker’s have some intense facial hair. It would be a skin nightmare only calendula could save you from. 

I walked by a guy that I think was masturbating in his car today. I’m sure I killed whatever momentum he had going. I was sweating like a maniac and was wearing a sweater that resembled a grizzly bear. Unless he was into bears, then I may have helped him out.

I bought an expensive but totally worth it set of fine tip, german made markers. I have colour coded our “family calendar” (even though there is only two of us but trust me our schedules are stupid, well mine is, to be precise). Oh my god, it was a total organization orgasm!!! Everyone should colour code everything, it feels soooo gooood.

There is a new song out called Royals by Lordes. I really like it. Except every time I sing it I accidentally sing we will never be lawyers… 

I went to a little nub of a gas station yesterday. It was so busy and so badly crammed into a corner that you literally couldn’t move your car anywhere until everyone around you did. It was a 3 point turn, petrol anarchy nightmare. It was such a tight squeeze everywhere that I watched a VW bug drive over a curb. They were like yeah, fuck waiting, we are doing this. In a Bug! There were so many hysterical million point turns going on that I thought for a second we were on just for laughs and they were all recording us and laughing. It looked like that Austin Powers scene where they get caught in the tunnel and spend the next hour trying to get out with 45 point turns. I also nearly hit an elderly buddy but that is besides the point. Hey Greenbank, let’s not shove anymore gas stations into wee corners that make no sense. Unless of course you are recording it for tv, then carry on.

So I have OCD in the sense that my house isn’t clean but one certain thing will be cleaned over and over again. I also have a mild phobia of my hands being dirty and not in the sense of being full of germs or touching other things, I mean having food on them. So going to the movies always requires a little self crazy package of cleaning items I’m sure only I think of. It’s not just napkins, oh no. It’s napkins, tissues, wet wipes and a helmet. I’m sure everyone in the theatre is wondering what the fuck that smell is when I take out my health food store wet wipes that reek of oregano oil and ass. But my world is a better place when I wipe away all the shit popcorn has left on my hands. God bless the wet wipes. 

We went to see Pacific Rim tonight!! Hennie wanted to see Wolverine but I totally insisted on Pacific Rim because I have been DYING to see it. We get there, we have to pay the stupid extra 3D bullshit so we can become extreme geeks and where glasses over glasses. Within the first minute of the movie I realize I have no prior knowledge to what the movie is about. The only thing that matters is that Jax from Sons of Anarchy is in and as an added bonus so is the dude that plays Luther from a British cop show (AND Ron Perlman from SOA also makes a cameo!). Hennie has to practically shut me up when they show the first SHIRTLESS shot of Jax! And then I realize the movie is about aliens and robots?? I had NO idea! I have never seen a trailer for it and must have had helmet blinders on because I really had no idea that’s what the movie entailed. I was shocked actually when they started talking about aliens. I was like wtf?! But it turned out okay! Jax was stupid hot in it and the movie was actually pretty decent. Extreme Jax robot alien fighting! Woot! Hennie was like “was the only reason we went to see that movie was because Jax was in it?” I was like “what? No! Yes, completely.” Totally worth it. 

There is a sign outside of Shoppers Drug Mart that says something about giving a deal to ODB patients. The only knowledge of the acronym I know for ODB is Ol’ Dirty Bastard. So Shoppers, I am not totally sure that’s the best way to entice the elderly crowd into your store. Maybe not the best acronym for the raisin ranch crowd, you gettin’ me?

Air Freshener sprays in the bathroom are one way to kill a scent you like quickly. It’s like wow, I love this lemon scent. Then you walk by the bathroom and it’s like, ya someone just had a dump, smells like it, even though it’s lemon fresh. When I worked at Rainbow the bathroom always reeked of orange (organic) air spray because everyone I worked with was ALWAYS on a cleanse. Eventually I was so disgusted by the scent of orange I actually gave up eating oranges for quite a long time. All scents eventually become synonymous with shit if you utilize them in the can…

Omg he’s here! HE’S HERE! No this is not the second coming. But the busker I once decided I would marry is in Ottawa! I was 16 ish, I was in Winnipeg visiting my sister and there he was street performing…on his 12 foot pole, a tattooed Aussie juggling sharp things, making dirty jokes and being terribly charming. I knew immediately he would be mine, oh yes. Even though I was at my AWKWARD and WEIRD stage in life (maybe I still am actually) I still felt one day we would marry and travel the world juggling chainsaws and knives together…and I just read he was in Ottawa for the Buskers festival and I missed him again. Next time Alakazam, next time.

PS-I own a domain y’all! http://www.gracenic8.com is mine! Muwahahaha