You learn a lot of new things when you become the mom of boys. Did you know there are YouTube channels dedicated to filming the snow plows removing snow in Ottawa? I bet you didn’t, because why would you! This is something that brings my 3 year old unrequited joy. And when the actual snow plow comes for our driveway, it is imperative we immediately run to a window or open the door to watch it. My favourite video we watched was some guy waiting for his bus and the snow plow comes and he starts filming and it he says something like, waiting for my bus and I score some snow plow content! What a life. It’s like storm chasing for snow plows and I am here for it. 

I was watching my older boy eat his dinner. In one of his divided plate compartments was yogourt. He took a bite and then put his hand in it and started rubbing it all over his face. This is usually when under my breath you hear me say, oh what the fuck. But I thought, hmmm I wonder if he is a genius and the probiotics in that yogourt are amazing for your skin. Should I be marketing this? Should I call Gwyneth Paltrow about this? And then he crumbled up some crackers and rubbed them in his eyes and I very out loudly said what the fuck and realized he was no secret genius and little people are super special. 

I turned 40. I AM 40! I knew I had become middle aged when U2 came on the radio and I did not change it immediately with aggression and actually listened to it. I am also very aware of my aging process when I seem to react to different kinds of lighting so intensely. I went into a Winners recently with my work wife and for 10 mins commented on how low the lighting was and someone needed to fix the lighting and make it more bright in there. I kept going until I convinced her the lighting was fucked. Like I am allergic to dim lighting all of a sudden. #aging

My older kid has become obsessed with Peppa Pig. It’s a touchy subject for me because it makes me feel like a parenting failure that he is just totally obsessed with a tv cartoon character. Anyways, this plays into the “he has only seen British tv” thing I have accidentally been following (Great British Bake Off, Thomas, Wallace & Gromit, Clarkson’s Farms). But it has got to the point where he calls gas, petrol and flashlights, torches. We went to swimming lessons last week and we brought his “swimming costume.” And he says “zeb-rah” with a British accent.

Other things my kids is picking up besides an accent is my swearing. We came back from the mailbox one day and my 3 yr old was holding his magazine he received and he asked me if Dad was home. I said no and he threw it on the ground and said loudly, “fucking!” I was horrified and then dramatically said darn and encouraged the use of darn. My partner was driving him to daycare last week and he asked him where the sun was. My partner replied that the sun was behind us and he responded with fucking! I was on my way to vote yesterday and I had both little ones in the car and someone cut me off and I slammed on the breaks and he yells fucking! from the back seat. So I am not sure what to do about this. I am trying to keep these words in check but honestly, it’s tricky. I told my partner I promise that I don’t swear that much around him and then I put him in the car and on the way to the craft store, someone stopped and turned with no signal and I called them a fucking tit rather loudly. Argh. What a fucking mom fail! Even though I am terribly proud he uses it correctly and with gusto. 

Oh and one day, we had gone to my parents for lunch and ate butter chicken. On the way home my partner belched, like a burp that comes from the depth of your soul and it hit me right in the face and I went, holy fuck, all I can smell is Indian food and from the back seat my kid yells – fucking hot! I was mortified but we both looked at each other and stifled laughter so hard. 

Maternity leave is a weird beast. I am soooo lucky to have as much time off as I do (#blesseddddd) but I also have a tendency to go a little crazy if I don’t leave the house for awhile. I have started doing these ADHD world tours. They sort of go like this – I will take a load of laundry into the bathroom/laundry room and start it and then realize there are clothes in the dryer. I will start putting this load away. I will walk into my closet and hang up a shirt and then realize I should sort out my pants drawer. As I am sorting out my pants drawer, I discover a drawer of clothes I forgot existed and add them to laundry. Only to realize that I have not finished putting away the clothes in the dryer. As I start to put away some towels I side eye that there is no backup toilet paper on the back of the toilet, so I run downstairs to get some and then I think I should add them to all the bathrooms. But I never get past the first bathroom because I realize the toilet very much needs to be cleaned so I start doing that. Then I realize I am hungry so I will start making a snack and clock that we are low on granola bars, so I pull out my phone and start a grocery delivery order that I will not finish and likely forget to put in. Anywayssssss, you see how this goes. And at this point, the laundry still needs to be put away, I have started an organizing project I have not finished, there is no toilet paper on one of the toilets and there is some food out on the counter with the intention of making a snack but it was not completed. Exhausting. I fantasize about the day that I can try out the meds to see what focus is like for a typical human. All of this I am doing btw with a 9 months old in a carrier or crawling around me. Weee its a motherfucking ADHD Mom marathon everyday.

I took my eldest to the dentist close to when he was 2. I had read online that often the dentist will not charge for the first appt because like wtf is actually getting done. Anyways, they gave my son a stuffed dinosaur with giant teeth and a giant, comedy sized toothbrush to practise brushing his teeth. My kid refused to open his mouth. The only reason they got to see his teeth at all was because he smiled and sad something. Anyways, after a good 10 mins of trying to get him to open his mouth while he brushed the dinosaur’s teeth I was charged $90. $90!! For my son to brush a dinosaur’s teeth! God it must be good to be a dentist. 

My oldest boy has just turned 3 and is in his WHY phase. Nothing makes you feel more fucking stupid than explaining basic shit to a 3 year old. 

Where is the sun Mom? 

Oh it is behind the clouds today. 

Why?

Because it is cloudy today and it is covering the sun.

Why?

….because sometimes it is cloudy out and you can’t see the sun.

Why?

Because something scientific is happening with the atmosphere, likely something I learned about in grade 7 and at this very moment, I cannot really get into the details of it because my brain is functioning at about 4% due to the fact I have given birth twice within three years, I am exhausted, I carry the mental load of our entire household and I have unmedicated ADHD. 

Why?

Holy fuck. Hey, want to play eye spy?

Yes.

And then it becomes even more irritating when these “why parades” happen with my partner and I walk in and he is like explaining barometric pressure or the scientific explanation of what clouds are and then it becomes very clear to me, my role in this family will be the whacky, fun, dumb mom.

I took my oldest to his first swimming lesson! I panicked for weeks about getting a bathing suit. I had a vague idea that there might be one in the house somewhere because when I don’t see clothes regularly, I forget they exist completely. I tried on a couple at the bay and even, very matter of factly, told the sales lady that the sizing was wrong with one of them because it didn’t fit me (haha delooloo about my size perhaps). Anyways, the day before his lessons I ransacked all the weird places my clothes are kept, like drawers. Who opens drawers??? If my clothes are not looking at me in the closet, they will not be seen. I found two black bathing suits. One was entirely showing my side boob and the other has a deep plunge with frills around it. I thought the deep plunge was likely better than my side/back rolls hanging out for the world to see. So I threw it in our swim bag and off we went. Like holy fuck, every other Mom there had a high neck, mormon inspired bathing suit and I looked like I was advertising my after hours services to all the Dad’s in the viewing gallery (Or Moms!). And on top of that, whenever my kid would get nervous he would grab onto my bathing suit which would pull it down further. And when I asked him to stop pulling my bathing suit down, that’s all he wanted to talk about for the rest of the swim lesson. Why? Why Mom? Why don’t you want your boobies showing? But why? I love your boobies! Thanks dude.