My favourite place to people watch is now the gym. Which makes me look creepy because I go to the gym the size of a large cupboard so it’s hard to casually creep people.

I went in today and there was a large lady sitting on one of the machines, not moving but texting on her phone. I was like, woah, when did that get added to the circuit? Does that burn calories? I would totally be skinny if that burned calories… 

My favourite people to watch at the gym are the retired teachers. I don’t know what it is about teachers, but they are a different breed of people. I should know. They come into the gym and greet everyone enthusiastically, because as a teacher, they know everyone in town. In the circuit part of the gym you do a machine and then jump on a board and do whatever cardio you want. When the retired teachers jump on the cardio board they think they are stepping onto the raised platform on Saturday Night Fever. The hips come out, the finger points up, some clapping happens and they groove. (I know if my Mother, a retired teacher, came to the gym she would be doing the exact same thing.) They do not crack a sweat ever but I imagine it’s because they are wearing make-up and trying to always look fabulous…

Today I had to hold myself together because a lady jumped onto the cardio board and I-swear-to-god started doing the Lollipop Kids moves from the Wizard of Oz. It was the best cardio move I have ever seen. I wished the teachers could have seen it and incorporated that move into their regime.

I have decided the best time to go to the gym is during the day when all the old ladies are there. It makes one feel like a fucking professional athlete exercising next to 70 year olds.

I was playing with my niece Chloe yesterday. Well…playing is a bit of a stretch. I was drinking a daiquiri while I threw stuffed animals at a box she was wearing on her head. She loved it. I looked at Hennie and I told him he was watching the future. If we ever had kids I would sit around drinking while throwing stuff at them, pretending to play. Maybe kids is a bad idea. He agreed thoroughly.  

Also, after feeling my friend’s very pregnant belly and freaking out in weirded-out-ness I realized how far away I am from even thinking of it. It’s supposed to be magical, a new life, a miracle and there I am feeling a kick, screaming and sticking my tongue out and shaking the cooties off my hand like a I just touched a snake. Apparently I haven’t quite hit adulthood. Maybe that’s what 30 will be about. But tomorrow, it’s 29 baby!!! I’m still, apparently, at the age where only my direct peers think it’s old, the rest of the world thinks I’m surprisingly young. I’ll take it! People have been thinking I was 30 years old since I was 18 so I am finally catching up with my oldness. I am growing into my old lady-ness. It feels right. I wear cougar print, I hold my handbag like a granny and I say things like, young people these days…

My Mom texted me the other day asking if I had any bug repellent safe for Chloe to use. I wrote back that I had some safe incest repellent in my room…creepy type-o!

I went to Costco with my Mom today to buy 800 pound bags of chips and a gallon of hummus for my birthday do. Nothing quiet makes me want to hurt people or blow things up more than a trip to Costco. From the herding in of the consumer cattle to the mind numbing cart pushing of people in a capitalist daze…I lose my fucking mind. People just stop in the middle of the aisle not realizing there are a million people behind them. There is no traffic order just cart chaos. It’s shopping anarchy. My Mom fits in, she walks wherever she wants without realizing she is cutting people off or in people’s way (although when she did it in the parking lot I was concerned for her life). It’s like ya I want deals and mass amounts of food to feed my probably drunken friends but do I need the biggest wheel of brie with a side of angry fists, losing my mind and heart palpitations to go with it? I told my Mom I was glad I didn’t have a second cup of coffee or I would have been raging. And then a lady handed me a fresh brewed espresso and I knew we had to leave immediately before I cart stomped someone. And no one actually saves money when the grocery bill is $200 right? Like what the fuck did I buy? 

I saw an Asian couple today taking pictures of a gas pump at an Esso…that is all…that is funny on it’s own.