The two best questions asked at the cafe today…

Girl – Do you know how many calories are in my mocha? 

Me- A lot? 

Girl – Oh. 

Me – Would you liked whipped cream on it?

Girl – Yes!

and

What’s the difference between a latte and a flavoured latte? I tried so hard not to respond sarcastically, but I might have come off as just that…flavour perhaps?!

I totally scored a weird, homemade wooden totem carving out of someone’s garbage in China Town west (Kanata Lakes). It is the weirdest looking thing I have ever seen but I love it and I knew I would be comfortable garbage diving, in front of my kid, in a nice neighborhood for it. Never too classy.  

I’m totally exhausted. I am reading Bared to You, another smut trilogy and it just makes me exhausted! They just have so much sex. I feel I need a nap after each chapter. There is no way you can do that, so many times, for that long and not need to stop for a sandwich or something. Or as if no one is getting cramps or pulling muscles. How come no one has thrown their back out? I need to write old people porn. He was about to insert his man rocket into her lady cave when he hit he floor because his sciatic nerve seized. After she massaged where it hurt for 15 minutes, they forgot what they were doing and fell asleep. The end.  

Doesn’t it sound weird when people say they like reading Can Lit? It feels weird, like it’s a terrible cop out for an acronym. Every time someone says it I think Clit would be the better term and then quickly realize it would also in fact be the worst. Support Canada’s Clit! There I said it. 

Being in the big city of Toronto always sternly reminds me of how much of a small town gal I am. Like I very patiently wait for the little man to tell me when cross the street for fear of getting killed by maniacal taxi drivers. Last time I was here I witnessed two car accidents in one day. If you can’t trust the lit up man telling you it’s safe, who can you trust? I also distinctly smell urine at almost every corner, which is my main association with this dirty, pee covered city.  

We got to Toronto and I was feeling good. I have just lost a ton of weight and was wearing the tightest jeans known to mankind. I felt like my hair actually looked more alert and I was wearing my sexy boots. I walked into the hotel thinking, fuck I look good. Then the Air Italia flight attendants filed in to reception and I was like COME ON! What are the chances a line of female Italian models come in and stand next to me?! Fuck off. How do you even walk in heels like that let alone work in them? Gahh.

I love being in hotels! So exciting! I am right near the ice machine, triple exciting! I am drinking everything in this room over ice…because I can! I feel so Don Draper swirling around the water on the rocks, from my ice bucket. I have to stay up late just to experience hanging out in the hotel room. I feel very rock and roll. I just washed a sweater dress in the tub because I didn’t feel like finding the washing machines…ROCK and ROLL! It’s freezing in here but I don’t know how to change the temperature thingy and I didn’t bring a sweater because I wasn’t aware I was going to Antarctica this weekend. Rock and roll! There is a couch and a chair in here! And a bed! Just for me! I feel like I should invite people up here just to hang out! For a rock and roll party! There is a Second City book in my hotel room too, which is awesome. They totally saw me coming. When I leave I am going to remove the Bible and Book of Mormon (if you can believe that’s here, just missing some L. Ron Hubbard literature to cover the bases, maybe a person that knocks on my door to give me the Jehovah’s Witness experience too) and put the Second City book in the drawer instead. Just to be all crazy and whatnot. Did you know L. Ron Hubbard’s first name is Lafayette? No wonder he changed it to L. Omg I better not start this google train again. I once wasted hours reading about Scientology. So much so that I missed half a day. I just went into a google worm hole that was both odd and fascinating. I couldn’t look away, a bit like watching a train wreck. I have not been able to watch a Tom Cruise movie since, or listen to Beck.  

I think I was hit on by a young Irish waiter tonight. He was being subtle but I was on to him. I think he might have decided I was amazing when my friend said, while holding the ketchup bottle, that she had tried to squirt it but it went everywhere and then I yelled that’s what he said. He commended me on bringing the conversation right down but he secretly thought I was awesome. Thanks for the innocent flirt buddy, too bad you were like 10 years younger than me and had an accent that reminded me of alcoholism and U2. 

1:45am – Fire alarm! Say what? What drunk asshole decided to light a cigarette in the stairwell this year? Well all of downtown Toronto knows I wear a “What Would Gemma do?” t-shirt to bed. I accept that. Marching down 7 flights of stairs is one thing, but coming back up those same stairs at 2am is a total full body workout! It totally wakes you up! I now am ready for breakfast and probably won’t be able to go back to sleep (just kidding, I can always go back to sleep). What would Gemma have done in this situation? She would probably have been the one lighting up in the stairwell but if she wasn’t, I like to think she would have shot the people who were and went back to bed, while looking fierce and fantastic. I should have done that. 

I was standing at the booth today at the CHFA when I realized Sara was in front of me talking to Udo! The Udo from Udo’s oil!! I was listening to Sara tell him how healthy she was because of his products.  I was guzzling a free beer someone had just passed me and I decided it wasn’t the best time to get into a health conversation with Mr. Udo himself. Well I had been alcohol free for over a month and today I killed it. Someone waved free champagne and beer in front of me and I crumbled! Dammit! I am weak! After two drinks I was totally retarded and it was awesome. Dear diet, sorry about that, but if felt right.  

I think I just ran into a famous British punk band in the elevator at the hotel! I walked into the elevator holding 3, 1 litre water bottles because I am seriously dehydrated and the water tastes like ass at the hotel. The guy says in a British accent that he is terribly thirsty all of a sudden. Is it because of my enticing water bottles I ask and then he says something about Fiji water and decide they aren’t a punk band because what punk band would talk specifically about a brand of water? A lame one, that’s who. Like ya, I am in a punk band and I particularly like the taste of the artesian water from Fiji. Hmm yes. They are definitely in a band though. They came with music equipment and had crazy hair, so they are in a band. So I walked by the CBC building this morning and the same dudes I rode the elevator with were coming out of the building!! Fuckkk who are they?? 

Damn you The Voice. I just cry through the whole thing. Stupid show. 

Ya, I’m cruising around Toronto in my brand new Toyota Corolla. Well for 24 hours it’s mine. It smells like wet dog but fuck it, it handles well. 

Ok remember when I said earlier that I love staying hotels? I think I need to specify. I like staying in nice hotels, especially when it is on someone else’s dime. So Renaissance downtown Toronto was awesome. The Monte Carlo Inn in Markham was not. Not just because when I went to go find toothpaste in the hotel I had to pay $7 for it in the vending machine. Also not because next to the toothpaste in the vending machine was a package of “Rough Rider” lubricated condoms which seemed weird and too close to the toothpaste. But more so because of the smell of very stale, old person urine that my bathroom smelled of. It was so bad I kept my shoes on, in the bathroom. It was so bad that I started thinking the floor was sticky, that someone had just decided to pee everywhere and then let it ferment. Anyhoo, I have fond smells of Markham. Also the bed was so incredibly squeaky that if anyone had indeed purchased the Rough Riders everyone on the floor would have heard it.

I had a million hours to kill today before my train and after getting stuck in downtown Toronto traffic for awhile and then Siri getting all upset because there was construction, I decided to ditch the car and tour around…with my luggage. I don’t have a problem killing loads of time because I can just go read but it’s harder, when you are killing time in public and you are reading a very well known smutty book. Sitting in a pub in the corner I laid it flat so no one could see. I didn’t even bother bringing it out in Starbucks, too snobby. At the train station some dude’s kid kept looking at the pages and I wanted to warn them but I figured they would just totally figure it out on their own. They should be watching their own damed children. Every time a good part started I would raise the book to see it closer and then quickly realize I was exposing my reading choice to all of Union station. 

You know how much of a yuppy douche I am? I used my Starbucks find app on my phone in Markham to get my Americano this am. Douche.