So I got a cat. I know, I know. I am not a cat person. Not really a fan of them. But on a whim, I thought it might be nice for me to adopt an animal in need (free from Kijiji) because I care (because I’m single and that’s what us ladies do). So I went to a woman’s house not far from mine to look at an overweight, orange cat. It was chubby, it bit me and then tried to fight me and I knew we were destined to be great companions for each other. The first night I had him we had to keep him locked in my room due to the fact we had another cat in the house. He spent all night crying and I figured I had made a huge mistake. Then, in the early morning, when I finally started to drift off, he decided he had seen something under the sheets and decide to attack it repeatedly…they were my legs. It only made sense to me that I had probably picked out the one special ed cat on the internet. Aren’t free giveaway cats usually winners?? Anyways, it came with the name Tiger but I have expanded it to Lil Tiger Pip…Esquire the third. After the first two days of talking about my new cat with my friends I wondered if I had got a cat so I could tell everyone about my ginger pussy all day long. People got sick of it at work pretty fast but it was such an easy way to make people squirm and then blame them for having their head in the gutter ha ha. Suckers. Anyhoo Lil Tiger Pip has evened out a bit and I think he will be fine here. He hates the other cat, always tries to escape, hugs me like he thinks he is people and has human size poops. Magic.

I was driving to the Glebe to meet Hennie at the Wild Oat for lunch the other day. I ripped onto a side street and power parallel parked into a tight spot. I was like, fuck I’m good. And as I walked over to pay, the lady standing at the car in front of me looked at me and said, that was totally amazing. And I told her I was just thinking the same damn thing. I have since done it a few more times am really impressed with my spatial awareness considering I smash my legs into everything I possibly could when I am walking and I am constantly covered in bruises. But give me a little toy car and I nail it every fucking time!

I did this training at work called conscientious leadership. It sounds cool but it really wasn’t. It was mainly Ted Talks and basic psychology for dummies and talking about feelings…lame. Anyways we had to bring in a picture that made us happy. I brought in a picture of my family where we all look pretty special. We had to explain to the group (my peers) why we loved that picture I said I was lucky to have been born into this group of helmets, the most fun people in the world ha ha. Love.

So I went down to Toronto a couple weeks back to attend the annual Canadian Health Food Association Show. Woooooh. And I know what you are thinking but those health peeps can party, for realz. Anyways, we got there and went directly to a training. It was a lady from Germany teaching us about a cosmetics line. I spent the training wishing I hadn’t been up all night drinking gin and watching SOA with my friends. At one point I felt myself fishing and I thought, fuck this is bad form. We then did a bit of shopping, ate lunch at Fresh (yayyyyy) and then decided to go sort our AirBNB out. Now my coworker, Sue, had thought this whole Airbnb thing seemed dodgy. I assured her many times that I had stayed in both Paris and London using Airbnb and it is the greatest thing ever. So when we get to the condo buildings right next to the water and the concierge refused to give us the keys I was shocked. What the fuck. We also could not get ahold of the host because she was in the States so for the next 2 hours we panicked, called Airbnb a million times until finally Sue took over the calling because she is way more demanding awesome on the phone then I am. The result was we were homeless in downtown Toronto, with a $150 credit that Airbnb was going to give us. Which is so generous! Nope, not when you are in downtown Toronto. So $150 could get you a sparkly cardboard box on Front street…OR 1/3 of a hotel room at the fucking Royal York Hotel. Which is what we decided to do. I have always wanted to stay there and this was our chance to stay in a hotel room that cost $500 for a minor discount, thanks to our Airbnb fuck up. They upgraded us to a room that as soon as we got into I said we needed cocaine and hookers. The room would not fulfill it’s potential unless we were snorting white lines with ladies of the night. Thank god my coworker takes my great ideas all in stride and ignores me. Instead we drank wine and stole fluffy Royal York house coats. And we did it right. I found the closet where they are kept so that we still left two in the room and they would never suspect us of hijacking the goods. It was kind of cool from going from homeless to fabulous in the matter of a couple hours. It felt right. And we stole shit, badass.

I was at the gym today and Rachel Ray was on. I have never seen it so I had never really formed an opinion of her. I watched her make a dish that had a pound of oil, cheese and sour cream in it which is always hilarious to watch when you are on a treadmill. But I don’t crave dishes much like that anymore because I tend to think the outcome of eating them will be me shitting my pants. I was a bit unimpressed with the cooking bit because I think everything will be good covered in fatty goodness but it takes a truly creative person in the kitchen to make something taste amazing that is healthy. Then came the kicker for me. It was like a holiday entertaining craft corner. But it was totally craft time for dummies. They showed a vase with flowers in it with lemons floating in the water and you could tell how they had created it in under 2 seconds and yet they still walked through how they cut the lemons up and put it in the vase. Duh. Then they went to the next craft…two champagne bottles covered in glitter. I am thinking glue and glitter, then they walked through it. Nailed it. Total crafts for helmets. Then the last one was balloons blown up with glitter in them and I thought, how does this woman have a job on this show and does she also teach kindergarten? It was the stupidest shit I have ever seen. Craft corner for fucking morons.

Well let me tell you a thing of two about online dating. It is a riot, it’s exciting, it’s easy and it’s disappointing. These are the feelings that every single girl cycles through on a weekly basis with every new man she meets. So after doing this for a little while it gets you down when you realize that the punch line is always, disappointment. It can be a letdown for so many reasons, because expectations were too high, because they are dumbs dumbs, because you aren’t attracted to them, because they are an arms dealer but worst of all, because you actually kind of like them. And you know, because you have met on an odd online mode of social media, the relationship you have created is completely fickle. Because both knows there are a hundred other vaginas and penis’ on the other side of their screen at home waiting for that quick, fun, witty connection that everyone loves, only to immediately move onto the next one. It’s truly fascinating. It’s a weird, non-comital sub culture of chat, drinks, laughs, sex, fun and….disappointment. And the greatest thing is that with texting and the internet, these people can just fade away and you never hear from them again. It’s bizarre, it’s a game, it’s a fucking gong show. Weeee.