I was in the bathroom the other day, at the sink, while the babe was sitting on the counter. I looked up briefly and saw water leaking through the ceiling and immediately texted a panicked message to my landlord. Just as I received a reply from him I realized my toddler was playing with the extra strong flow sinus spray and this was in fact not a 911 landlord emergency, but maybe a sinus spray gone wrong situation. Then I wondered if maybe my nasal spray was in fact too strong for it to easily hit the ceiling from a sink level. Like that is EXTRA STRONG flow. I guess I purchased the pressure washer of nasal sprays. 

My kid threw a total fit the other day because I did not wipe down each of his individual raisins with a baby wipe before he ate them. 

The best thing about having a toddler is the mispronounced words. Like this is what I have been waiting for. One of his prominent first mispronounced word was rubber Duckie. Which he called, rubber cocky. And if he was looking for his duck, he was looking for the cock. I have videos of him just lying on the couch saying cock over and over again. Also, then the frog says “croak” in one of his books, he always yells cock instead. This kid is also obsessed with trucks, busses, big rigs, anything with wheels really. And my absolute favourite thing in the whole world is when we pass a dump truck and from his seat in the back he yells, “DUMB CUNTS!!” I just can’t tell you how glorious this is for me. The newest one is forklift – which is straight up pronounced fuck off, with a slight British accent.

The other day little one started moving the coffee table across the living room and I yelled from the kitchen, “hey why are you moving the coffee table??” And he replied, “why not?!” And I just sort of stared at him stunned and went alright, carry on then. 

I bought a spring jacket for my kid on Facebook Marketplace. I picked it up from a very nice house in Westboro. When I got home I did not see any cleaning instructions so I wrote the lady back and asked if she had put the jacket in the dryer and she said she did not know because her nanny does the laundry…Ooohhhhh sammmeeeeee I was just asking on her behalf. Like what the fuck.

I have been trying to clean the house out and have been making many trips to the second hand shop to donate things I don’t need. I was putting my winter jacket into a bag to donate and thought, oh I should check the pockets. As I remember that once, when I was in my 20s, the church I attended growing up was having a garage sale fundraiser and I donated a bunch of stuff. My dad took in my donations and came home and said, in future, I would clean out the pockets in your purses before you donate them. And when I asked him what he found, he said condoms, cigarettes, papers, money – I was mortified. So when I checked the pockets of my old winter coat I wondered what kind of spicy things I would find. But the only thing in my pocket was a sleeve of anti diarrhea meds and I was like – wow, ok – life has changed.

My neighbour invited us to tag along with a group of her Mom friends that were going to go sledding in the park. I was super pumped. I had to search for winter boots that were real winter boots and not Blundstones, but I found some in the cupboard…never been worn. I ran out and bought a little sled at Canadian Tire and was totally ready when they called to say they were leaving. When I got out in the driveway, I could see I was slightly underprepared. All the younger, fit Moms were wearing snow pants…snow pants you say? I have not owned snow pants since I was a kid. Fuck. I was in thin leggings and these brand new winter boots. We pulled the kids down the road towards the park. I was keeping up alright but once we hit the park, the fit, younger Moms galloped through the deep snow with ease, while I trudged through the snow wondering at what point I would just give up. Now at this point I should explain that I am pregnant again and when I am pregnant, my ability to do anything physical plummets (like more so than my usual not really fit self). My toddler was getting stressed about the sledding and wanted to be picked up. So there I was, trudging through deep snow, carrying my kid in a snow suit, while pulling the sled and absolutely just waiting for my heart attack to begin. We finally made it to the bottom of the hill and I wondered if I could even make it up this small but steep bump in the park. We got to the top of the hill and I started stripping. I was over heating, the heart attack had begun, I could not catch my breathe, but we had fucking made it. My kid went down the hill once and when I asked him if he wanted to go again, he calmly said no. Thank god because I would not have been able to go up and down that hill several times. My neighbour asked if I wanted to use their big sled to go with my little one. I was like what? No! Can’t you see I am barely alive over here and you want me to get into a sled? I just pictured us going down the hill and then me requiring a team of people to get me out of the sled and stand me up. I assume I am just like this when I am pregnant because I am pushing 40. The young, fit Moms probably had no trouble frolicking in the snow when they were pregnant. The good news is we went down the hill once and made it home without needing to call an ambulance for me or requiring someone to pull me home in a sled.  

We went to the aviation museum and when we got to the fighter jets I started singing Danger Zone like the cool Mom I am and my 2 year old immediately turns around and said NO MOM and went back to what he was doing. Ouch. 

In my last post, I wrote about the crazy cleaning lady I had that covered all the Buddhas in my house because they offended her Christianity. Well, 4 months later and I received a hand written letter in the mail that reads:

Dear Angie,

As a Christian, it is my honour and duty to warn someone if they are in breech of or breaking The LORD’s commandments. You are in violation of the following commandments, keeping “buddha” statues/heads in your home.

EXODUS 20:3-6

3 Thou shalt have no other gods before me.

4 Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.

5 Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the LORD they God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me;

6 And showing mercy unto thousands of them that love me, and keep my commandments.  

There was no signature, no return address, just the commandments that I am breaking. Like what in actual fuckkkkkk. So I bought a doorbell camera and have put a Buddha head on my front lawn as bait and if I EVER see her on my lawn, I am calling the cops. What a nut. 

On top of this, there was someone cleaning out our eavestrough last week and he told me he had something to tell me and I said, ok and then he went ON AND ON about how I was going to heaven and God was waiting for me and I did not have to do anything because I was getting into heaven and I was like – how do these people always fucking find me?! Do I just look like I need to be saved?! Did the crazy anti Buddha lady send you?! God dammit!

I feel like at the end of my last pregnancy I was like super emotional about how magical the world was about to become and it was all so exciting. In the last few weeks of this pregnancy, I am just trying to fucking fight people. I was driving my bud to daycare and a high school student was crossing the road (nowhere near the crosswalk fyi) and he saw me so he slowed down and glared at me. So I sped up and swerved around him and he gave me the finger and I gave him both fingers and considered pulling over to beat him up. An excellent model for my 2 year old in the car. The next day I went to Loblaws to grab a few things and was so enraged that there were no hand baskets (because those fuckers have taken them away permanently so you will use a cart and buy more) that I put all my shopping into my reusable bag like I was stealing everything and was willing an employee to come say something to me because I was going to cause a fucking scene. The day after this I start calling people a-holes on the Merivale Costco Facebook group because they were acting like a-holes. Anyways, I am a glowing 38 weeks pregnant and I will fucking fight you on the street if you cross me.