Decided to spend a day working on my Mexi-tan while reading David Sedaris. I think I went a little past mexi-tan and more into the skin cancer zone, but at least I’m now the redest person here and not the whitest.

We went to see a movie! This is 40 to be exact, even though I had already seen it I was glad to be apart of here on it’s opening night. Yup SA, you are a little behind. Wow was that a different experience…was drove there by my sister in law who feels 160km in the dark while giving everyone the finger is the norm, a little awesome, a litle hair raising…got our tickets and we have seat numbers on them! I was like what the what? I cannot choose my perfect location? I am told that there would definitely be fights in the theatre if people did not have assigned seat numbers and low and behold, a fight starts before the movie because someone is sitting in someone elses seat number! What the hell SA! Chill out a little! The other massive issue was that there was NO BUTTER for the popcorn, not even the weird butter tasting oil they usually serve in Canada. No, dry popcorn! The closest thing I got was butter flavoured salt which should have been called “weird tasting salt, NOT BUTTER-LIKE AT ALL.” And then when I was told they do not dispense napkins at movie theatres here I started having a minor nervous breakdown, only to avoided by someone saying they had tissues in their purse. Crisis averted. I am incredibly weird with dirty hands, I’m aware. I would have obsessive compulsively wiped my hand on my pants the whole time untill my pants wore through. I was shocked that 7 people walked out of the movie 3/4 of the way through it. Especially a movie I find so super funny, but I guess it may have been too much for some of our more conservative South Africans…

Saturday was crazy. Watched a nephew’s rugby tournament all day and had the braai to end all braais that night. How, you say? Well, Debbie, Hennie’s cousin who we stayed with last time, has just discovered Jagermesiter and was totaly obsessed with it. I decided to split a bottle with them and blow their minds by making them Florida Track Suits (Jager, Sour Puss & Red Bull). The night is a fog of dancing, singing, shots, eating, and more shots. There were intense rules about drinking water, if someone was busted they had to do shots. When someone was busted, a lot of yelling would insue and I would yell gibberish assuming it was coming out as Afrikaans. Sometimes I would just angrily yell “ya, whatever she said, that is what’s fucking happening!!” We amazingly polished off a whole bottle of Jager, forgot to eat the braai meat and still woke up at 4:30am to convoy to the Pilonesberg National Park! We are rockstars!

Last two Jager shots before heading to the park! Good Morning world!

We had amazing sightings, elephants, cheetahs in pursuit, Wildebeast, Springbok, Hippos, Zebras, Giraffes and LIONS GOING IN FOR THE KILL! My favourite part was someone in another car picking a fight with Hennie for hanging out the window to take pictures of the lions. It’s like, dude, if we want to hang our bodies out of the car in front of hungry lions, like bacon flying in the wind, we should totally be fucking allowed to. So fuck off. 11am, time to crack out the beer from the coolers-woot!

I only sang the Lion King song a lot, called every warthog ‘Pumba’ and thought “this park is where they must have filmed The Lion King!…Holy fuck it was a cartoon, I’m a moron. But if it had been real, it would have been filmed here!”

Well we have officially given up a breakfast and have replaced it with meat. I call them meatsicles. They are either random meats thrown onto a skewer or just droewoers, which in Canada is a pepperette but with dodgier meat. Starbucks coffee and meatsicles. I thought I saw a sign for Starbucks today and may or may not have cried a bit. I was wrong. But I found instant espresso in the grocery store today and hope that will be better then the weird brown coloured water known as coffee here…

Yesterday we had a big family gathering and braai and the debate about rugby started getting really heated. I decided, since I had already drank about 6 beers, that it was time I put my two cents in. I started quietly by asking questions, how many teams are there, where are they from, who cheers for which teams…I decided to make an announcement, I would 100% put my loyalty behind the Blue Bulls, for the main reason that when they say it in Afrikkans it either sounds like Blue Balls or Blow Balls. I said the team might as well have been named penis problems but they were my team. And the people that were cheering for the team from Cape Town were asshole. It would be like people in Ottawa cheering for Toronto…assholes. There was a silence. I feared I may have gone too far. I thought I was about to start a family riot, when someone yelled out “Angie for president!” and everyone laughed. We are hoping to go see the Blue Balls play next weekend, and I look forward to yelling Go Blue Balls at the top of my lungs for a few hours.

Bladerunner update-He is innocent! Everyone here thinks so. It’s totally normal to shoot into a closed door here if it’s thought to be an intruder. I had this same thought last night as I krept to the bathroom after everyone went to sleep. I hoped me peeing on the can would not be how it all ended.

South African road rules-Drive as fast as you fucking can at all times, fuck the crater like potholes, people walking on the side of the road and the fact that the lane is about to end. Just drive like a maniac.

We hung out with Hennie’s parents today, whom are both deaf. They are the sweetest people ever which is why I am concerned when Hennie leaves the room and his Mom says something to me and expects a response. She waves her hands, says something in Afrikaans and I think, come on Ange, figure it out. Don’t just smile and nod because what if she is saying something bad! She once told me a story and I did a thumbs up and smiled only to figure out right after she was telling me how she had slid on the kitchen mat and fell. Like I was some satanic duaghter in law that liked the fact she fell and hurt herself. So now I keep a concerned look on my face until I see her smile or thumbs up and then I know this story has a happy ending.

Well I have fallen so far off the vegetarian wagon, I don’t even remember what vegetables taste like… We went to a restuarant on Monday and I ordered lemon and herb chicken. When the plate came to me it felt like all my alarm bells should be going off, as presented to me on the plate was a whole flattened fucking chicken! I could see how it once resembled a live bird, legs, wings, everything but the bloody feathers. But my vegetarean self has been so turned off that I stuck my head over the railing of the patio, looked at the chickens wandering around and told them I was eating there Mother and it tasted quite good…

Monday night I had a feeling I may not be able to sleep as Hennie and I had drank half a bottle of rum. When we walked into our bedroom and saw 2 cockroaches the size of my thumbs I knew I was not going to sleep a wink. And when you haven’t quite recovered from jet lag every minute of sleep is vital. So the next morning I was a mess. I should have never had two of the Starbucks coffee I had brought (shut up, I am a snob, what of it…they have been a big hit here though and I am sad they are almost gone!). Then I grabbed a local paper to read. WHAT A MISTAKE! I read about the amount of people that get killed on the road we are staying on, which makes total sense. We had already had close calls. The road is narrow, winds around mountains and the average speed is 160 km/h. There are also pot holes the size of Clayton you must avoid. I became a little terrified about ever going on that road again. Then I turned the page and read about all the people that were getting murdered in this area, in their homes. Angry and disgruntled black workers come back to kill their previous white employers. I almost felt exempt from this until I went onto the patio to see the man who works in the gardens laughing hysterically at himself. I waved at him and he looked past me and said something I didn’t understand. I walked into the house to see “the maid” ironing and I thought, omg I hope these two aren’t conspiring against whacking the stupid American visiting them. I had a paranoid morning. I sat inside, drank beer with with my sister in law and watched tv for the rest of the day. By the end of the day I had evened out. I feel I am totaly ok to leave the house today. What adventure will today bring, hopefully a semi safe one?

That is bullshit! Omg travelling is so fun and then after 5 hours on a plane, with an ass you just assume is there but can’t feel and not one comfortable possible position to sleep, the fun wears off! I swear to God. The flight to London was ok, minus the fact we could NOT sleep at all and during the landing in London it was so rocky I ACTUALLY grabbed the vom bag for the first time ever, just in case. But the 12 hour flight to Jo’Burg? That’s pretty brutal. You can’t sleep, you can’t get comfortable (something about plane seats make my ass go numb immediately), it was hot and SOMEONE who I will not name accidentally ordered me vegan meals…FAIL! Hot breakfast without eggs is just a sad snack,..

It just seems you lose so much on a plane…earrings, ability to SLEEP, any control of your cesspool greasy hair, patience, feeling in your ass, your self control to not watch 4 movies in a row even though only half of them are decent… the moral of the story is travelling without Lorazapam is not okay…

So needless to say, it’s not about the journey…it’s the destination.

Because we are here! Wooooo!

I think I should try and be more truthful this trip to South Africa…sometimes when in other countries I feel that white lies are both acceptable and amusing.

Last time, when asked by a young South African girl if I knew Justin Bieber, I replied that I did! We were both from Ontario, which meant we were neighbours. She freaked out and I walked away…

I also may have told everyone in Hennie’s family that all women in Canada were my size. I told them it was incredibly important for women to have blubber on their bodies in order to stay warm during the long, cold, Canadian winters…they believed me…

I may just leave that last one as is.

People have been asking me for days if we are packed. Packed? NO! It’s an hour before the airport and I am just putting my trip playlists together! I spent the whole day running around only to  come home a few hours before heading to the airport, haphazardly throw everything into a suitcase and think of a few things half an hour later I couldn’t believe I may have forgotten (cosmetics bag, earrings, SHOES) and now I feel semi-prepared.

I am the worst packer ever. I knew today after putting the first two items into a suitcase, both items of which I NEVER WEAR, that I was failing the packing test already. I also am being weird and taking some vitamins with me, which is stupid because I NEVER remember to take them here, let alone take them while travelling. I also hope Hennie has packed a plug thingy for South Africa or else I won’t be able to use a hairdryer! That would be a disaster. Hennie is also official guarder of the passport. I can’t be trusted. Last time I used it was for a shopping trip down to the states. I returned with some AMAZINGLY CHEAP clothes but also without my passport. This barely scrapes the surface as to why I can’t be trusted with an official government document, but that’s another story.

Well wish us luck, I’m going to go sit on my suitcase to see if I can close it.  Trip begins now! South Africa here we come!

P.S-Accidentally ate some gluten, plane ride is now going to be awkward…sorry everyone!