Tag Archives: family

Boob Soaker Pads, QUICK DRAG & Sports Ball!

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My littlest guy turned two! We had a party at the house with family. I held him while everyone gathered around so he could open presents. This is when I started having a level 12 hot flash. I started sweating profusely. I was fanning myself like a Southern woman in church, wiping sweat from my brow constantly. I finally had to get up and I walk to the back door, open it and lifted up my shirt to use the bottom of it to soak up the sweat puddles under my boobs. It was at this point my brother-in-law looked over to see what was going on. I also realized that our back door looks onto the backyards of like 5 different houses, so surely someone saw me feverishly patting my boobs dry with my shirt half up, exposing my belly. Classic old Mom story. The next day I wondered if anyone had invented boob meat soaker pads, because if they hadn’t, I would. Turns out someone has and I have since ordered them. What a time to be alive. 

It is not just the hot flashes that are uncomfortable, it is the fact I am completely losing my mind that bothers me the most. I feel like someone slipping into dementia and just watching it happen. I sent out invites for my two years old’s birthday to everyone in the family and finally it was my Mother who asked why it was on that date, as it was nowhere near his birthday. And I just froze. I had totally got his birthday date wrong. I was in the right month but had used the date of my other kid’s birthday and supplanted it into May. Nothing shows your dementia hand more than having to go back to everyone on both sides of the family with a new date for your two year olds birthday because you apparently can’t keep your kid’s birthdays straight. 

The same week I fucked up the birthday invites we misplaced my littlest guy’s hat. So I was sending him to daycare with a neck warmer on his head which looked like a tiny doo rag and I wondered long and hard what it would be like to be a type A Mom and just totally have your shit together. My neighbour across the street 1000% has her shit together. They have plans, schedules, she goes to the gym several times a week, her house is clean, her garage is immaculate and I just wonder what that is like. I can’t stick to a schedule to save my life. I feel like her house is polished and sturdy and mine is put together haphazardly with tape and popsicle sticks. My house looks like a war zone all the time, despite how often I clean. When I leave the house I may or may not remember an extra diaper for my kid and if I do, it is loosely in my purse, not in a well stocked diaper bag with all the things I could need. Just a single loose diaper and MAYBE wipes. Anyways, I am trying to embrace being a Type B mom and laugh at it a little, but I often wonder how the other half nails all this. 

We were watching Frozen and my oldest yells, Mom why are you so much bigger than Elsa? I immediately wanted to die and then proceeded into a speech about how Disney doesn’t portray normal sized women and promotes female bodies that are not natural and likely impossible to achieve etc. But secretly just wished I could look a bit closer to Elsa than, I dunno, Shrek?

We were watching Little Mermaid (sounds like we just sit around watching Disney movies, which is hilarious because I hate Disney) and I realized I was old enough to really see that King Triton was a total Zaddy and actually pretty hot. I had no interest in Prince Eric. He was a baby. King Triton on the other hand, yowza, now we are talking. 

We are also in the planning stages of buying a house. And by planning stages I mean we go look at houses we can afford and I make pained faces and hate them and then we come home and complain about the prices of houses. But we went to see a house recently that looked really great int he pictures and had a huge backyard. We met a young real estate agent there we had never met and went inside the house. The foyer closet was a bright orange, fake brick, plastic sliding door and I yelled, now that is a fucking choice! It was hideous. The house was so so so much smaller than it looked online. You walked into the house and you were like in a little entrance way, then a step later in the kitchen and then two steps later in the tiniest of living rooms. I wondered if one bedroom apartments were bigger than this place. As I puttered in the kitchen pretending to look interested but was really just dying to leave, the real estate agent told us the house was built in 1984. And I said loudly, what a great year!! The real estate agent said, is that the year you were born? I said yes! Both of us! He said, that was the year my Mom was born! And a very intense, loud, trying to be joking but came across aggressive – SHUT THE FUCK UP came out of my mouth. I could tell it was too harsh and tried to bring the mood up a bit but I could tell my partner was embarrassed. A semi normal occurrence whenever we are in public. Anyways, the houses are all small, old and expensive as fuck. This is my analysis of the housing market right now in case you needed a professional summary of it. 

My new hobby after a glass or two of wine is to put books on hold at the library with the intention of reading them and then when they come in months later I am like what? Wtf? What is this book? It’s a pretty good time. 

When I work from home, I start my day in my pyjamas, which is a button up, collared black classy pj shirt and no pants. My hair is a mess, I have no bra on and I am wearing no make up. On the very rare occasion someone wants to video call me during this time, I say sure – just one second and then I start yelling QUICK DRAG and run up the stairs to do the quickest possible put together possible. Hair, eye liner, tinted moisturizer – QUICK DRAG!

There is a group of old men who play soccer in the park and I am desperate to join this team. They have grey hair (same), beer guts (same) and have the ability to run short sprints and then potentially have a heart attack (same) so I think our athletic abilities match perfectly. I told my partner this was my league and he didn’t seem convinced. Then I asked him if he thought these old timers were in better shape than me and he quietly nodded. Which is fucking rude. But in all seriousness, I would likely need to wear a diaper playing that intense of a sport. I was playing soccer with the kids in the park once and ran really fast and kicked the ball and then immediately told everyone we had to go home right away to deal with a leakage issue. Goddddd being an aging woman is literally a calamity. 

We went to Toronto last weekend with this kids and my take away from the trip, minus the fact that we had a great time, is that everything we did took forever. The trip down, instead of being 4 hours was like 6.5 hours. Because someone always had to pee, or was hungry and like we would stop and each take turns peeing and then by the time everyone was done, I wondered if I needed to pee again. And the cycle would start again. Also, I always forget about the traffic in Toronto. Just a hard WTF. How do people live there. The night before going to the zoo we looked it up and google maps confirmed it to be a 45 minute trip. So the next morning we got ready early to make the most of our day and then when we looked it up again, the trip was now 1 hour and 45 minutes. What?? We couldn’t lose that kind of time to get to the zoo so like suckers we took the toll roads. What a racket that is. Anyways besides my ADHD brain losing its mind because everything took forever, we had a great trip. 

I was planning to take my Mom to get a pedicure in Carleton Place for Mother’s Day. We decided to do brunch first. My mom suggested we go to the the breakfast place right on the main street, Freshco. I told Mom that Freshco was a grocery store. But I knew the restaurant she was talking about, Freshii right? Anyways when we arrived it turns out it’s called Freska and we are both just have no idea what we are talking about. 

I went out to another concert! It is so clear I never get out much at these events. I pregame fairly hard, even in the parking lot of the concert venue I was shotgunning gin cocktails. But before leaving my house I sneakily put two gaviscon into my back pocket and my partner was like woahhh, settle down! Are those for crushing up and snorting later? Party gal! Anyways I drank too much, danced my fucking face off to the Tea Party and had a great time. I also had the worst hangover I had endured in many years and vowed never to drink again. This proclamation lasted approximately 4 days. 

My neighbours kids are really into sports. They follow professional sports and also participate in organized sports. My kids were out playing with their kids and my oldest was kicking a soccer ball yelling about how he was playing sports with a sports ball and it was so abundantly clear my kids have very little exposure to these things. Scoring sports goals with a sports ball into the sports net! Sports!

My partner gets a lot of cake like items from work. Last night he brought home a chocolate cake that the the kids had a slice of after dinner. We had already decided before dinner that we were going to go shopping for some kids’ shoes and winter gear. When we were out shopping my littlest guy kept putting on adult shoes and running around the store. My oldest boy would NOT try on any shoes that were not rainbow, unicorned or sparkly (we went home with silver sparkled shoes). We went to Carter’s for mitts and hats and my littlest started screaming, sat down and took off his shoes and socks and refused to put them back on as my oldest ran around the store screaming and pointing at everything that sparked his interest. Anyways by the time we got back in the car, dragging at least one screaming kid, I looked at my partner and said – watch as I feed my kids chocolate cake before going shopping, WELCOME TO JACKASS. Holy fuck, never again. 

We bought a house! Jesus Christ. The agony of getting to this moment. We finally bought a house. It is a red brick semi-detached 1950’s house that has been completely updated on the inside. I am not sure there is anything more stressful than moving, but doing it with 2 kids and all their stuff, BRUTAL. My partner and I also broke up about 3 times leading up the move and during. 10 out 10 would recommend moving your whole life while in a fight with your partner. JK. Anyways, at no point did we have time to get the house ready so we are living out of boxes, with the tv on the floor and not a curtain rod in sight. My poor neighbours. I spend a lot of my time without pants on and they are all now painfully aware of this. And I get changed upstairs and realize there is a window that directly looks into the window of the house next door, which is inhabited by 4 guys as far as I can tell. So major apologies to those guys, they have def had an eye full. Because the house is old, it is full of eccentricities. Like no door closes properly, the staircase curves out when it shouldn’t, if the dryer is on the lights flicker in the basement, that kind of stuff. And we have noticed more and more that the renos that were done also have their eccentricities. Like they redid the kitchen flooring but didn’t complete behind the fridge or it appears there is a jagged wood wedge holding up the quartz counter top. Like hilarious. Thanks for coming out contractors. The bannister upstairs is also so short that the height of it is just under my butt so should I ever misstep I will be pinwheeled down the hardwood stairs. Death by cute old house. Anyways, the neighbourhood is interesting. My first morning working from home I opened all the windows in the office and thought, wow this is so peaceful ad lovely. And just then I heard someone cough aggressively and hack out some phlegm and I thought ok, this sums up the neighborhood perfectly, peaceful and lovely with a side of lung cancer. 

Geriatric Lady Parts, Nathan Fillion & Fucking Stop Sign

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I had another baby! These geriatric lady parts pushed out another 9lb baby – weeee. Labour was wildly fast which, turns out, is the most fucking painful thing in the entire world. The drive to the hospital was just a series of half silent screams while thinking I was going to die. By the time I got to the hospital I was already fully dilated (is this tmi?) but still immediately asked for the drugs. After I was administered the good stuff, I was so relieved and elated to not feel like being stabbed with a million knives in my vagina, that I slid right into a comedy routine. I also recall basically giving a speech about how great drugs were. Like it was an eighties PSA for doing drugs versus not doing them. The epidural was really good. 

When I reacted poorly to another drug they gave me for blood loss after the birth, I was like yup, was having too much fun, what comes up must come down, captain comedown etc. The drug caused me to shake uncontrollably and I looked at the midwife and said I felt like I was going through meth withdrawals while having Parkinson’s – which I thought was a pretty clear and succinct thing to say in my state.

Whatever you have heard about second children is true. Like with my first one, everything was washed every time he touched it, we had organic blankets to put him down on, he was a fragile piece of glass we could break at anytime. With your second, for some reasons the fucks are gone completely. My friend came over and the baby was lying right on a dirty dish towel on the landing on the stairs. I have grabbed a teether off the floor and casually wiped it on my pants before giving it back to the baby without any type of sanitation protocol. He is a treated lovingly like a small sack of potatoes and not a crystal vase. He will be hearty.

The baby also resembles me far more than my toddler ever did. He has big eyes, rolls upon rolls on his arms and legs and a permanent double chin. If he is like his Mama this will likely stay with him for life.

My 40th birthday came and went. I had a one month old at home so my birthday excitement was doing shots of a tincture called “milk aplenty” to help produce breast milk. It is pure alcohol though. When I told my midwife I could literally feel the alcohol hit my system when I ingested it she told me she had never heard that. I said she had likely not treated a patient so well versed in drinking as I was. But what a different a few years makes. Shots until I forgot where I was, to boob milk tinctures. 

I get organic vegetables delivered to the house almost weekly (I know, I am a lot) and a couple weeks ago it arrived at the EXACT same time as our Burger’s Priest order which included milkshakes. I was very embarrassed and also #balance? 

I gave my toddler grapes and he asked if they were from the farmer’s market. Was my child asking if the fruit I just gave him was locally sourced? Omg, I could hear the whole foods in his voice. Yesterday I took him to get ice cream at a little shop near us and I told him to ask if it was artisanal haha. I am the worst. 

I wonder if my toddler will have a more colourful language than your average toddler. Any child that spends more than 10 seconds with me in a car is going to have a special vocabulary. The other day on the way to driving my little guy to daycare, two bikers flew in front of me from a side street and basically cut me off. I yelled out that they had a FUCKING STOP SIGN. And then my toddler also let them know they had a FUCKING STOP SIGN. Later that week he was playing with one of his toy busses and he was telling the driver to FIND THE GAS PEDAL. Another thing he learned from Mom driving. This past week I had to brake quickly because a car flew around a corner where we were trying to turn left and before I could say anything, my toddler yelled WHAT THE HECK and then went ARGHHH in an exact replica Mom/Marj Simpson grumble. Is it weird that my first reaction was, where had he ever heard what the heck? Because Mom generally says what the fuck.

Toddlers are 100% insane but also totally the best. Like it can go from amazing to garbage if you give them a fork instead of a spoon, or you say the wrong word, or moved a toy or smile at them at the wrong time. But in general, he is the sweetest boy. He was curled up with me yesterday and he said I love you so much. My heart melted and I told him I loved him so much. And then with the same level of depth and emotion he said, I love cinnamon so much and I was like ahhhhh ok wtf, am I at the same love level as cinnamon? WTF cinnamon. 

My older child had been home from daycare for what felt like months. We kept him home when the baby was born to mitigate the virus parade he traditionally brings home from daycare every year and then he broke his collarbone falling off a swing at the park. Our daycare lady warned us that because he had been off for so long, the transition back might be rough. She said especially day 3 of his return. On day 1 he was ok, a bit down but ok. Day 2 he was not pumped about it but he went. By day 3 when she opened the door, he started dancing and doing, what I could only describe as jazz hands, as he entered her house. I looked at her and went, yes, what a tough transition this is!

Our toddler is now potty trained. He has his potty in the middle of the living room. He was pooping one evening when my friend Katie arrived for a visit. When he was done he insisted on showing his poop to Katie and when I tried to explain she may not want to see it, the look of devastation was heart wrenching so I just encouraged a quick poop show-and-tell with my friend who played along while averting her eyes to anything but the shit. I told her that was a great pre dinner show which would really get us in the mood to decide what take out we wanted to order for dinner. Next week when he knew Katie was coming over and he was using the potty, he asked if he should wait before flushing it so he could show Katie. Bless.

I had watched a string of dark British crime series on tv so I decided to lighten it up with a type of tv show I would normally never watch. It was called Rookie, and it is a cheesy, feel good cop show starring Nathan Fillion. I became so obsessed with it that I started thinking about Nathan Fillion all the time. Eventually it spilled into my relationship. I asked my partner to put a new filter in the air filter downstairs. This took weeks and finally I get fed up and confronted my partner. He said, oh are you thinking Nathan Fillion would have already installed the filter?! And I was like omg Nathan Fillion would have a) known it was time to replace it b) ordered it himself and c) installed it the day it arrived!! Everyone knows that. Be more like Nathan Fillion already! Also this show is so lame and ridiculous. They showed a woman in a tub about to give birth and in the next scene she slowly comes out of the water holding a gun and a baby and shoots the intruder in her house and says “it’s a girl” – just hystericallll. I feel like I often notice insane stories about women’s pregnancies or births written into shows. It is so obviously written by men. Like they didn’t think to ask one woman about the accuracy of what they are writing. This is how births happen right, you can go over to your neighbours house while in labour and shoot bad guys? Right?

Facebook has started recommending friends to me of guys I dated 10 years ago. It is so random. I forgot this certain Serbian (I think?) gentlemen existed until Facebook was like, do you know this guy? I am like oh ya – that guy! I don’t recall anything about him but I remember having not one thing in common with him. My favourite “people you might know” suggestion was a guy I went on exactly 2 dates. The first date he explained his work to me and my alarm bells were going off but I think he thought I may not be smart enough to figure it out or that maybe I wouldn’t have a strong opinion about it. Then on the second date I prodded a little bit more and flat out asked him if he was Lord of War. He looked incredibly disheartened and I knew this was not the first time he had heard this reference. But I persisted and asked him about his life as a legit arms dealer. Anyways, that was the last date. I honestly think it was him that didn’t call back because I would have likely been interested in learning more about this. I always looked at dating as a giant social experiment and fodder for a book I would someday (not) write. I miss meeting random weirdos all the time, what a wild ride.

I’ve started having impromptu Nickelback and Creed sing alongs with my family rather randomly and I’m not ashamed of it. 

My Mom brain has returned with the force of a thousand confused squirrels. My sentences have become weird mad libs where you can just enter any word into the missing space because I have completely forgotten the word or what I’m even talking about. The owner of the Red Apron was telling me about this cookie recipe she always used for her friends kids and she explained it all to me and then my follow up question was – and then you bake them? Like I had never perhaps baked and/or eaten a cookie before in my life. What is this alien sweet treat you speak of. Jesus Christ.

My partner came home the other day and asked my toddler how his day was and he just looked around and said, everything is broccoli. So now when we are having bad or mediocre days, we just say that everything is broccoli.